tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-68192096007550826512024-03-26T23:38:09.979-07:00SoulshineAllowing our souls to shine is the best way I know of to help make the world a better place. Love can transform the world, if we all do our part. Doing our part means nurturing our own self-love. Once we are able to accept and love ourselves just the way we are, we will be better able to accept and love others in the same way. So let's allow ourselves to love and be loved, and let's "pay it forward," especially to those who may seem less than lovable to us. Everyone needs a little love.Charlie Wehrleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08092132068039110411noreply@blogger.comBlogger873125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6819209600755082651.post-51619176957130056842024-02-22T10:53:00.000-08:002024-02-22T10:53:23.839-08:00Self-Sabotage Is Motivated by FEAR<p><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlccuFUZTHchbhlaf7aI7quYtb9fluf_PaGDlSDvZvLULNj6yV7lh3P1m_sS_V-yf3VZvF35a-EN4RqjRjNhLu1sqjn7sxexqmuXPIi4uD2UgkXFs5pMkUBJQRwoyR4C6GhO72mEZBjI27GxgIID56Zz_03oaJBf5-fGn6W2ukXe5OrboUlr76aPuN3Sg/s650/photo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="434" data-original-width="650" height="268" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlccuFUZTHchbhlaf7aI7quYtb9fluf_PaGDlSDvZvLULNj6yV7lh3P1m_sS_V-yf3VZvF35a-EN4RqjRjNhLu1sqjn7sxexqmuXPIi4uD2UgkXFs5pMkUBJQRwoyR4C6GhO72mEZBjI27GxgIID56Zz_03oaJBf5-fGn6W2ukXe5OrboUlr76aPuN3Sg/w400-h268/photo.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><p></p><p></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"> Throughout my life I have committed self-sabotage against my own happiness endlessly-- far too many times to count. Self-sabotage is a terrible problem for so many codependents/addicts.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"> The problem is rooted in the false belief that we are not good enough for any person. It's especially difficult if we are approached by a man or woman who is very attractive to us. We just can't believe that this fabulous person could actually be interested in us. After all, we're telling ourselves, at least subconsciously, that this person is too interesting, too handsome, too sexy or too intelligent to be interested in us. And because we don't want to make a bigger fool out of ourselves than we already perceive ourselves to be, we push him or her away.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">This fabulous person may pursue us and yet that still isn't enough to convince us that we are worthy of him/her. Sooner or later, they get the message and they are gone from our lives. Days, weeks or months later, we may realize what we did and suddenly find ourselves in panic. "Did we push away and forever lose our Mr./Ms. Right? How could I have been so stupid? Why, why did I do what I did?"</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">The answers to these questions lie within one word: FEAR. Because we have perpetually believed we are not worthy of someone who is very attractive to us, we are terrified that they will one day discover how pathetic we are and, of course, they will abandon us. Many of us have been abandoned so many times, by ourselves and others, that we just can't face one more lost relationship. So, we end the relationship before it can begin.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">A friend of mine in Washington, D.C., told me that last year she walked into CVS to pick up a prescription and there was a new employee there who was gorgeous. She immediately thought to herself "No sense in getting excited over him. He's too spectacular for me." She'd see him on occassion and just look the other way (out of fear). Then one day she had her hands full juggling items when someone approached her with a shopping basket. It was that man. She was so caught off guard, and terrified, that she quickly said "thank you" and raced away.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Weeks later, she was coming down the escalator from the pharmacy and there he was at the bottom of the escalator talking with another employee. He looked up, saw her and locked eyes with her. But again, she couldn't believe he was interested in her, so she looked away. She thought there must be someone behind her that he was really looking at, and even though the thought crossed her mind that she should point to herself and see if he nodded his head in the affirmative, she was too afraid to embarrass herself in case she was wrong. So, when she reached the end of the escalator, she simply walked past him.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">A month or so later, she was at a self-check out when she looked up and there he was standing right in-front of her with his eyes glued on her. She froze like a deer in headlights and he walked away, back to the managers office area. She thought about going after him, but was again too afraid. So she said to herself, now that I know he's interested in me, next time I see him here, I'm going to walk right up to him and say "I'm so happy to see you here. Can we talk?" Sounded like a plan but there was no "next time." She never saw him again after that last meeting.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">To this day, she is still mourning that fact that FEAR got in the way of possibly having a great relationship with a man she was extremely attracted to being with.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Has this ever happened to you? Do you have a similar story? If so, you may be understanding that it was fear that got in the way of your achieving a dream come true-- fear of not being good enough, fear of making a fool out of yourself, fear of rejection and abandonment. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Let's work in putting the fear behind us. It's ruined so many opportunities in our lives to grow past our comfort zones and truly live life to the fullest.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Today, I let go of fear. I will no longer sabotage my destiny by being too afraid to go there. And I will no longer believe that I am not good enough for the best life has to offer.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="350" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/dJkXmobW2Vg" width="445" youtube-src-id="dJkXmobW2Vg"></iframe></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /><br /></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /> <br /><p></p>Charlie Wehrleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08092132068039110411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6819209600755082651.post-41162861207755822002024-02-20T11:10:00.000-08:002024-02-20T11:10:47.994-08:00No One Is Meaner to Me Than I Am<p><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUzw3y9R-e0vDY-TvWZLwovhFXh5FM7T2IkaPbbyIVgI1WYGo5Gf3mlh_dYvYgZjmdq48cDEqMbFfZ_HAzlB57QkQKaNdj-Ztt2_4KJ3y1ZkRu1OlxZIj_OislXCqQPsLe_jQsLnNWFVSd6i2-uFnr2IIxddF2bbONfMsw_GQ_ImZbmqBXfxD9e2yyxh0/s2560/emotional-abandonment-in-a-relationship-what-it-feels-like-and-how-to-cope-3-scaled.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1707" data-original-width="2560" height="301" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUzw3y9R-e0vDY-TvWZLwovhFXh5FM7T2IkaPbbyIVgI1WYGo5Gf3mlh_dYvYgZjmdq48cDEqMbFfZ_HAzlB57QkQKaNdj-Ztt2_4KJ3y1ZkRu1OlxZIj_OislXCqQPsLe_jQsLnNWFVSd6i2-uFnr2IIxddF2bbONfMsw_GQ_ImZbmqBXfxD9e2yyxh0/w452-h301/emotional-abandonment-in-a-relationship-what-it-feels-like-and-how-to-cope-3-scaled.jpg" width="452" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"> I am a champion at beating myself up-- even after years of recovery. I sharply criticize myself for how I look, how I act, for my many mistakes, for operating out of fear when I want to have power over my life through faith-- and the list goes on.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Most of the time, I'm not even aware of how nasty I am being to myself. It's so ingrained inside of me. It's a natural reaction. I promised myself in early 2023 that I was going to "wake up" and begin living life from my conscious mind instead of reacting to life from my subconscious mind. I broke that promise. As a result, a year that should have been the best year of my life was filled with knee-jerk, fear-based decisions that destroyed my greatest hopes for personal happiness.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Since late last summer, I have mercilessly beaten myself up over the disaster I created. But now, I've decided it's time to stop. In Christian churches we are in the season of Lent. Many denominations urge people to "give up" something for the season. It's been tradition for people to give up trivial things, like ice-cream or chocolate or favorite TV shows. But I've been encouraging people to give up being mean to themselves.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">No one benefits from verbally abusing themselves. Over the past many months it hasn't brought about a single positive change in my life. So, I've decided that I can't go back and change the past, I can't undo the damage I did to myself, but I can move forward with a stronger intention of staying in the present moment and making decisions about my life that are based in conscious, positive thinking. No more fear-based reactive decisions that are detrimental to my accomplishing the dreams within my heart.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">If you also have a daily habit of beating yourself up, focus instead on all of the things you do right. Focus on why it is you don't accept your own humanity and the fact that none of us can escape from making mistakes. Focus on my you don't accept your body, or personality, or sexual-orientation, or intelligence-- or whatever else you deem to be unacceptable about yourself. Then challenge the beliefs behind them. Are they truly your beliefs? Or are they Mom's or Dad's? Or are they religious beliefs or societal beliefs that you chose to adopt and can now choose to throw in the trash?</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Focus on letting go of fears and on catching yourself when you are on the verge of making a fear-based decision. Would you really rather play it safe or would you really rather grow beyond your comfort zone and experience the life you were taught to fear?</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">The more we challenge our negative, fear-based thinking, the stronger we will grow in making reality- and life giving- choices that will make us into new creations focused on growth through personal empowerment. You will need the help of your Higher Power for this assignment, so list him/her up today as you trade being mean to yourself for being kind and loving toward yourself.<br /><br /></span></p><p><br /></p>Charlie Wehrleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08092132068039110411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6819209600755082651.post-64602370045914147492023-01-06T13:38:00.002-08:002023-01-06T13:41:33.108-08:00Are We Intentionally Living Our Recovery?<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipvt9tDBw7Ln_p9T4j_5429L8kh1zBY1pY0VMiaEvaBA9JIasDvzKc_l8Zz1pI6IwlrKTsnup93bfML9NcMzLrD1d5jKMDk-o6rBCxoJYv8hRRRefDLlIoRR188Woy5DPbASMcpOFJXBgO3iIaoNTbUoj_v2Mwj852tzEUWxz7gew0u9qldCVIl6W4/s720/321696843_1315657159226882_3044890024684734369_nz.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="720" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipvt9tDBw7Ln_p9T4j_5429L8kh1zBY1pY0VMiaEvaBA9JIasDvzKc_l8Zz1pI6IwlrKTsnup93bfML9NcMzLrD1d5jKMDk-o6rBCxoJYv8hRRRefDLlIoRR188Woy5DPbASMcpOFJXBgO3iIaoNTbUoj_v2Mwj852tzEUWxz7gew0u9qldCVIl6W4/s320/321696843_1315657159226882_3044890024684734369_nz.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">In my recovery process I have learned that mending my brokenness requires the intention and the effort to do so. Understanding the 12 Steps and other recovery tools provides us with motivation to repair our lives. It was one of the greatest experiences of my life to be in early CODA meetings and to experience light-bulbs flashing in my head.</span><p></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Every meeting I gained wisdom for moving forward by listening to other CODA members share their stories. They placed words and definitions on experiences and feelings I had never known how to explain: "Fear of abandonment," "people-pleasing," "caretaker," "manipulation," "shame," "feeling not good enough," and even "self-love."</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Self-love was a foreign concept to me. I grew up in a very Catholic family and attended Catholic schools. Both at home and in school I was taught that self-love was bad, selfish, evil. Loving yourself was also conceited, reserved for narcissists, and opposed to the law of God. And I believed these lies. Recovery has taught me that self-love is essential to loving others and our Higher Power. It's also essential to our efforts to reclaim our lives from others and to live happily.<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">We all learn wonderful lessons when we continually attend recovery meetings. The real challenge is being able to take what we have learned and intentionally apply it to our everyday lives. It's one thing to know what to do to make our lives better. It's another thing to have the motivation to change our patterns of behavior for the better.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">I was giving a recovery talk one evening when a man in the crowd raised his hand and said "That all sounds great. I've heard it before. It doesn't work." I responded with "It doesn't work, or you haven't worked it?" He was speechless. I knew I had hit a recovery nail on the head.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">It not only woke him up, but it woke me up too. It made me realize that although I had been working the program, I was not putting my best "intentional" dedication into making my life the best it could be.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">We need to cherish what we learn in recovery from books and meetings. But what we learn is worthless if we don't incorporate it into our lives EVERY DAY. And we know when we are not intentionally living our recovery to the fullest because we lapse back into self-medicating behaviors instead of facing the truth offered by our uncomfortable feelings. Discomfort and the resistance to change motivate us to over eat, shop, drink, gamble, people-please, etc. as a quick means of quieting the discomfort we're feeling. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Let's face the discomfort, walk through it, learn from it and never look back as we discard our old false behaviors and false selves. Let's ignite our inner-light and share it with the world. The right people will love it and us.</span><br /></p>Charlie Wehrleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08092132068039110411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6819209600755082651.post-26848317466409142722022-10-16T12:55:00.002-07:002022-10-17T13:44:46.641-07:00Fear Led Me to...<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifgn7WjQ-lZNYdMFhTrw_gLovHNuqJ1nnzvQELRjCM2TnQ25sWpuZZl5lEjViFyOHDSwogI3ffQ77k4uVIJazb60sEK3Vy1tOnCX9FTudf0fsF80cQb6nlwiTfJRuN9hD338n1ndYWA47Wo4xKfATT1wciKC2qcP9RDSaMRcoJH7jgvGn71Mk6hMKP/s3204/IMG_0364.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2560" data-original-width="3204" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifgn7WjQ-lZNYdMFhTrw_gLovHNuqJ1nnzvQELRjCM2TnQ25sWpuZZl5lEjViFyOHDSwogI3ffQ77k4uVIJazb60sEK3Vy1tOnCX9FTudf0fsF80cQb6nlwiTfJRuN9hD338n1ndYWA47Wo4xKfATT1wciKC2qcP9RDSaMRcoJH7jgvGn71Mk6hMKP/s320/IMG_0364.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><br /></div><p><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">Shame, guilt and addictive behaviors are all fueled by Fear. This morning I thought about all of the various ways fear has ruled my decisions, my actions, my entire sense of being. This is not an all-inclusive list. I'm sure I'll be adding more to it. But here goes...</span></p><p><span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: arial; font-size: medium;"><b>Fear led me:</b></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">-to allow shame and guilt be my personal companions, 24/7.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">-to become alienated from my natural self.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">-to surrender my personal power and natural self to most everyone. “I’m your puppet.”</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">-to please everyone in order to get their stamp of approval on my unworthy self.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">-to remain bound in the chains created by others so I could </span><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">secure their "on-going" approval.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">-to shrink in shame and guilt if I said or did something to lose the approval of others.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">-to hide my worthless self from most everyone for fear of being ridiculed and rejected.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">-to manipulate anyone who offered me crumbs of attention by caretaking and people-pleasing them while neglecting my own needs.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">-to give up my heart's deep down natural dreams from childhood in order to accept the morals and beliefs others imposed on me.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">-to keep me in-check every time I tried to break free from my internal prison— the one I locked myself into so I could please family, church and everyone around me.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">-to take multiple steps backwards whenever I rejoiced over the freedom I felt by taking one step forward.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;"> -to believe I was a bad person because I had my own God-given dreams, needs and wants.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">-to embrace the idea that if I dared to be my true self and live my life my way, I would be condemned to hell for failing to follow the rules of others.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">This is a pretty good list of the bondage I allowed fear to trap me into over my lifetime. It's a list that I am now using to free myself from the very chains society (family, church, school, etc.) used to entrap me. I am replacing fear with love and courage and choosing to go against any thought or feeling that is fear-based. I succeeded today in escaping the fear-trap by refusing to do something that I once forced myself to do for fear of hell. Now, I</span><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;"> choose not to be bullied by that same fear. Pushing past the fear, I now feel secure.</span></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPcdeSSmY9LD9dnryxmf69EgZSwBAxW9liLWADm8x-FxI6Abw0j4al1uI-LTxxbEIkirs6YV34L4M9-90ZKztsL0oMqcbf8jgaK1EmYzbbwfuWJkovhg2aSgrxlwy5kykdS-IAPccuUQRwVT0WJiKw0KxdP3302gqe5FqclrRAKkARknHx8KFF-_ul/s880/Screenshot%202022-10-16%20at%2015-51-26%20Fearful%20Avoidant%20Attachment%20-%20Causes%20Traits%20&%20How%20To%20Overcome%20(3).png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="590" data-original-width="880" height="215" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPcdeSSmY9LD9dnryxmf69EgZSwBAxW9liLWADm8x-FxI6Abw0j4al1uI-LTxxbEIkirs6YV34L4M9-90ZKztsL0oMqcbf8jgaK1EmYzbbwfuWJkovhg2aSgrxlwy5kykdS-IAPccuUQRwVT0WJiKw0KxdP3302gqe5FqclrRAKkARknHx8KFF-_ul/s320/Screenshot%202022-10-16%20at%2015-51-26%20Fearful%20Avoidant%20Attachment%20-%20Causes%20Traits%20&%20How%20To%20Overcome%20(3).png" width="320" /></a></div><br /><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;"><br /></span><p></p><p><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">I am beginning to trust myself and the Higher Power of my understanding.</span></p>Charlie Wehrleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08092132068039110411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6819209600755082651.post-68879546310342890862022-10-10T16:29:00.001-07:002022-10-10T16:29:36.100-07:00Today I Chose to Stand Up for My Right to be Me<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnCOJIzz2XhKsvuOQ74NJp6grh20CLjYqH1PzmeOS7VY_diw_rAYXtuKJFSD_1aCvLxZAI_048fK7wH19Cbqp3Ij4WZ_YQ2ByyeX1ad-80aoRvoqRmY08xLctSv87JeUfI1pgyKEEgzK13nvrdPEPKgpr4HlFxrWIRkSfFmlxAdSpSlPw9sqB4X--X/s2048/1sh.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="2048" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnCOJIzz2XhKsvuOQ74NJp6grh20CLjYqH1PzmeOS7VY_diw_rAYXtuKJFSD_1aCvLxZAI_048fK7wH19Cbqp3Ij4WZ_YQ2ByyeX1ad-80aoRvoqRmY08xLctSv87JeUfI1pgyKEEgzK13nvrdPEPKgpr4HlFxrWIRkSfFmlxAdSpSlPw9sqB4X--X/s320/1sh.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /> <p></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">SPEAK UP! Say what you believe! Be who you are! Forget what other people think. They have the right to live their lives as they choose, but they don't have the right to choose how YOU live your life. Only you have that right. So stop giving that right to people who think they own you.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">That's the lesson that exploded out of me this evening. I spent most of the day feeling deeply irrelevant and depressed. Then at dinner, I realized I have spent too many weeks recently holding myself in: passing on the things I need to say, failing to express who I really am inside, refusing to own my right to my beliefs and opinions, etc. Suddenly, as if a lightning bolt had exploded inside of me, I was done. No more engaging in self-degrading silence to keep the peace.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Expressing who I am, what I believe and what I feel isn't a violation of the peace. Everyone else has that right and I refuse to deny it to myself anymore. People might not like who I really am, especially if they are used to being in control of me, but if they don't like me being who I am, then they need to adjust. I've certainly adjusted to who they really are and relationships are always a two way street.<br /></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Now that some of the poison inside of me has been released, I feel relieved-- not as much as I 'd like to, but I'll give it time. This is new territory for me. I know how to set boundaries, but I haven't done a good job of setting myself free from other people's opinions of me and the old need I've had for their approval. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I've decided everything will be different now. I'm not going to be stepping in other people's crap anymore-- much less owning it. It's theirs to wade through. They need to change as much as I do. I'll own my life and they can own theirs. If they don't agree with these changes, they can walk away. If we can't get along by being true to ourselves, then it's best to part company. I'll survive-- and I'll learn to thrive by simply being true to me.<br /></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span><br /></p>Charlie Wehrleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08092132068039110411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6819209600755082651.post-84671758642587379242022-10-02T07:18:00.002-07:002022-10-02T13:49:50.548-07:00Do You Want to Love Yourself?<p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;"></span></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="286" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/L1UGH_G8p8I" width="386" youtube-src-id="L1UGH_G8p8I"></iframe></span></div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span><p></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> <i><b>Let the Love In- Sam Sparro</b></i><br /></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Do you WANT to feel loved? Do you WANT to love yourself? Do you WANT to feel the inner-warmth of being cherished for who you are? These are questions I've started asking myself. The answer to all three-- and similar questions-- is YES!</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">But my behavior says "NO!" As addicts, we are divided against ourselves. Yes, we want to love ourselves, but then we do and say to ourselves every negative thing we possibly can. Much of the negativity </span></span><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">comes from our subconscious inner-tapes that keep replaying themselves, telling us “You </span><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">aren't even worthy to love yourself. Someone is going to have to come along and melt my heart— then I’ll be able to appreciate and love who I am.”</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I've always wanted love and I've always cringed at the idea of loving myself. Until now. Looking back, I think the COVID 19 pandemic forced me into facing myself-- after much emotional medicating-- and it forced me into facing my dark night of the soul.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I've never felt so miserable as I have over the past few weeks. As much as I hated it, and feared I was going to be broken emotionally into pieces, it's now producing an appreciation for all that is good inside and outside of myself.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">A few weeks back, I cried for the first time since grade school. It was remarkable. I'd prayed and longed to cry for so many years. I wanted that cleansing of my inner-trauma that comes from tears. And I've continued crying over the course of this week. Most of the tears have transformed into </span></span><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">tears of joy. They've been evoked by watching some of my favorite movies, where the primary character is struggling with past wounds and the eventual healing that takes them into self-care and self-love.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Tears flow as I watch them destroying their chances for happiness by failing to believe they deserve it. And tears flow when they finally "get it" that they are lovable and deserving of all happiness-- the very love and happiness that they had previously refused to claim because they didn't think they deserved it. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Yesterday continued the path of my moving forward toward self-acceptance and self-love. I went downtown to run errands-- in the rain. I love rain. There's something cleansing and healing about it. I reclaimed the stride I'd experienced for the first time last week. That walking stride proclaims "I own my space" and I don’t care if people agree. Take it one step further and it means I no longer believe it's my business to care about what other people think about me. And no longer do I need to care. I don't need anyone’s approval to be me.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Sometimes, as I walked along, my stride became like a little dance to the music I was listening to as I walked. The broken me inside was always abhorred by the thought of losing my dignified composure. It would always say "You can't do that-- dance around or sing in public (including weddings, parties, etc.) You have to remain a wallflower." Yesterday I said to myself "Well, screw that. I'll damn do </span></span><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: large;">what I'm feeling and I feel like doing a little dance."</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I'm thrilled that the pattern of being able to cry and being able to own my power in public are continuing. I've had times in the past when I was only in a good space for a given day and then "POOF" it was all gone-- failing to return. It gives me hope that with every new step I take, I am getting closer and closer to truthfully saying "Yes, I want to be loved!" "Yes, I want to enjoy loving who I am!" "Yes, I want to feel the warmth of being cherished-- by myself and by others.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I know it can make us gag and squirm inside to think we are deserving of all that is good, most importantly love. But it's essential for us to push past that squirming feeling and come to accept that we ARE lovable. We do deserve to love ourselves and we deserve to accept love from others.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> Bye-bye self-sabotage. Bye-bye self-loathing, bye-bye believing we aren't good enough or deserving of self-acceptance and love. Welcome to the earthly heaven of love. I accept my place in that heavenly place on this earth.</span></span><br /></p>Charlie Wehrleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08092132068039110411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6819209600755082651.post-71852995547246267062022-09-28T11:07:00.005-07:002022-09-28T11:10:16.581-07:00From Self-Alienation to Strutting My Stuff-- My Way<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/GgoOmExbtEo" width="402" youtube-src-id="GgoOmExbtEo"></iframe></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><p></p><p style="text-align: center;"> <span style="font-family: Passion One;">"At one point, I became sharply aware that I was largely responsible for my own alienation. Because of my extremely low sense of self-worth, I did everything in my power to keep people away."</span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Passion One;">A Time to Be Free: Daily Meditations</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Ten years ago, a therapist told me he had seen me at a shopping mall. He didn't approach me because he said I looked totally unapproachable. At first, I was surprised by his remark, but then I told him I was wearing my stealth face that says "I'm traumatized-- don't hurt me" mixed with my "Don't bother me" face, which is to stop store clerks from bothering me. It was my fearful way of pushing people away-- even people I'd liked to meet and know.<br /></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I'm quite aware now that I wear my stealth-trauma face every time I walk out the front door. It's a face that has always projected my poor self-worth, but I feel it has now out-lived it's purpose. I still suffer from trauma but truth is no one today is going to verbally or emotionally hurt me on a city street like some people did when I was a young adult. I need to shake that fear of the past.<br /></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">When I was in college, I was skinny and small. I had long hair like every guy had at the time. One day I was on a bus and I had unknowingly dropped something. The lady behind me tapped me on the right shoulder and said "Miss." Needless to say, she was embarrassed when I turned my head around and she saw a mustache. I was mortified. New trauma to add to years of already unresolved childhood trauma. Now, my gender was in question.<br /></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I already wanted to hide from the world. That desire was now greatly intensified. To protect myself, I was pretty good at being invisible at times. When you try hard to evade everyone and refuse to engage anyone, you start blending into the wall. People don't notice you so much anymore.<br /></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">This was probably around the time when my stealth face developed. Although I do remember in my college days people who anonymously approached me on the street and said things like "You look like an intelligent, understanding guy..." and then they'd start to confide a problem to me. That always surprised me.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Which brings me to today. I've been more aware of my stealth-trauma face in recent weeks, and I want to remove it. I've been trying hard, saying mantras to myself as I walk along like "I'm worthy of love," "I choose to be free of fear," "No one is judging me-- and if they are they can stick it up their..." But none of that has worked very well.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Today was different. I took the train to get my COVID booster shot. At the train station, I started listening to the song "My Way" by Alana D. It's one of the closing songs from the film "Isn't It Romantic," starring Rebel Wilson.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">In many ways, I can relate to her character in the film. She's trying to break free from her past trauma and the low self-worth that has led her to neglect her needs-- and to push people away who care about her. By the end of the film, she's gained a lot of recovery and her theme now is "My Way."</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The song is very energetic and I learned today that it has a bounce that is perfect for strutting your stuff-- claiming your rightful place on the sidewalk and stepping along with personal power. And that's what I did. I discovered I have an awesome strut/walk today when I move to the beat of that song and claim the lyric as my own proclamation of empowerment.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I put "My Way" on continuous replay and never felt so good in my life walking around in public by myself. I don't have a problem walking around with a friend, but by myself has always been uncomfortable. It helped today that I also stopped projecting my bad judgments onto others-- no longer thinking they were supposedly judging me as harshly as I do.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So, a trip to Walgreens by foot turned into a minor miracle. To make it even better, I had a miserable morning emotionally. I couldn't have felt worse. Heading outdoors wasn't something I really wanted to do. But the autumn breeze made it better and then the new found ability to strut "My Way" was incredible. My bad mood flipped upside down with a welcomed "Goodbye" from me.</span></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span><br /><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br />Charlie Wehrleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08092132068039110411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6819209600755082651.post-86303336958671658012022-09-27T13:08:00.002-07:002022-09-27T13:08:21.817-07:00Cardinals Appear When Angels are Near. <p> </p><div class="" dir="auto"><div class="d2hqwtrz r227ecj6 ez8dtbzv gt60zsk1" data-ad-comet-preview="message" data-ad-preview="message" id="jsc_c_ne"><div class="alzwoclg cqf1kptm siwo0mpr gu5uzgus"><div class="jroqu855 nthtkgg5"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span class="gvxzyvdx aeinzg81 t7p7dqev gh25dzvf exr7barw b6ax4al1 gem102v4 ncib64c9 mrvwc6qr sx8pxkcf f597kf1v cpcgwwas m2nijcs8 hxfwr5lz k1z55t6l oog5qr5w tes86rjd pbevjfx6 ztn2w49o" dir="auto"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8StY-H3qQv-nEt_BL_e5na2F6GQpYKa8ZJyqGHD6dgJDRTFUNHV7B1TsTENzdUFVAp4cFVVVVGkWjtFz2wSw6PxdH5EtEcLsWBg94wtv-OFjADTi1nJp0aRbjo017w6b4sbI8QdZQMFT74ytuMQ2IYuB1qjsJgKraigu4RSIYWz3TcY7aWTxaSaCA/s1365/zzaaw.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1365" data-original-width="1156" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8StY-H3qQv-nEt_BL_e5na2F6GQpYKa8ZJyqGHD6dgJDRTFUNHV7B1TsTENzdUFVAp4cFVVVVGkWjtFz2wSw6PxdH5EtEcLsWBg94wtv-OFjADTi1nJp0aRbjo017w6b4sbI8QdZQMFT74ytuMQ2IYuB1qjsJgKraigu4RSIYWz3TcY7aWTxaSaCA/s320/zzaaw.jpg" width="271" /></a></div><br /><div class="m8h3af8h l7ghb35v kjdc1dyq kmwttqpk gh25dzvf n3t5jt4f"><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;"> </div></div><div class="l7ghb35v kjdc1dyq kmwttqpk gh25dzvf jikcssrz n3t5jt4f"><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;"><span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-size: small;"><i>"It is common folklore that a visit from a cardinal represents a sign from a loved one who has passed. While this belief cannot be traced to a single origin, birds have often symbolized heavenly visitors, messengers to the gods, or even the gods themselves in feathered form. </i></span></span></div><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;"><span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-size: small;"><i> </i></span></span></div></div><div class="l7ghb35v kjdc1dyq kmwttqpk gh25dzvf jikcssrz n3t5jt4f"><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;"><span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-size: small;"><i>This belief has been part of ancient Egyptian, Celtic, Maori, Irish, and Hindu spiritualism, as well as the lore and legends of many Native American tribes, <span></span>including the Ojibwe, Lakota, Odawa, Sioux and Algonquin."</i></span></span></div><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;"><i> </i></div></div></span></span></span><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span class="gvxzyvdx aeinzg81 t7p7dqev gh25dzvf exr7barw b6ax4al1 gem102v4 ncib64c9 mrvwc6qr sx8pxkcf f597kf1v cpcgwwas m2nijcs8 hxfwr5lz k1z55t6l oog5qr5w tes86rjd pbevjfx6 ztn2w49o" dir="auto"><div class="l7ghb35v kjdc1dyq kmwttqpk gh25dzvf jikcssrz n3t5jt4f"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="font-size: small;"><i><b>-The Farmer’s Almanac</b></i></span></span></div><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;"><b> </b></div><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;"> </div></div><div class="l7ghb35v kjdc1dyq kmwttqpk gh25dzvf jikcssrz n3t5jt4f"><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;">As I was walking along our side yard this afternoon, I came across two cardinal birds, a male and a female. I had been praying earlier and asked my parents in Heaven to help me work through and heal from the trauma and chaos in our household as I was growing up. They were not capable of helping when they were alive on this earth. They had no idea how to stop the trauma they felt and then spread around the house.</div><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;"><br /></div><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;">But, now that they are in the spiritual world, I thought to myself "I see no reason why they can't make amends for the trauma they caused and help me to heal from it through whatever spiritual means are available to them." There is no reason why they shouldn't be on my side now.<br /></div><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;"> </div></div><div class="l7ghb35v kjdc1dyq kmwttqpk gh25dzvf jikcssrz n3t5jt4f"><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;">A few hours later, there were the two cardinal birds. I’m not superstitious, but there must be something to this. I’d like to think my parents heard and responded.</div><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;"> </div><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;">The experience lifted me out of a dark space that had been haunting me for two days. Suddenly, it made sense to me that God, my parents and I should be working together to help me love and accept myself as I am.</div><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;"><br /></div><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;">Anyone who is for us cannot be against us. Now that I have a better sense that God and my parents are for me, I need to work on myself. I am my biggest enemy, at least in the sense that I am the only person who has 24 hours a day to make me feel miserable.</div><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;"><br /></div><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;">My prayer now is <i>"God, help me to accept the belief that I am worthy of all love, understanding and forgiveness. Help me to stop seeing the world as unsafe, filled with people who want to hurt me. Lift me out of my constantly being caught up in Flight-mode. I have no reason to flee from anyone. Help me to heal the hurt from the past that holds me hostage to the need to flee-- even when there is no actual threat of danger. Free me of my constant anxiety. Help me to join hands with You and my parents, so that together we can lift me up out of my fears and into the joys of living fully alive in this world. I am claiming the good that I deserve. Amen."</i><br /></div><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;"> </div><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;"> </div></div></span></span></span></div></div></div></div>Charlie Wehrleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08092132068039110411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6819209600755082651.post-63797301783354940502022-09-24T10:58:00.002-07:002022-09-24T10:59:59.842-07:00I Almost Felt Like I was Actually Alive<p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: Lobster;"><b> </b></span></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: Lobster;"><b><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYjcbqGLbX6F45kHe9Zzj0Ghaq4hJXszbp9k7auydNHkPWuQZ5GbczhjRrCMrKXz9SKaCyckAGs12qdLsKBJyW4xGcsv8h1m71Ntt5GHZ3gCvcnMIA2YyUVUwC-N14hDTKQ6mIuHHzw8ysvXJHXvCxF7lANtu_lwzKnYgALiWuJantQI9qnexbM-hz/s1684/IMG_3762.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1146" data-original-width="1684" height="218" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYjcbqGLbX6F45kHe9Zzj0Ghaq4hJXszbp9k7auydNHkPWuQZ5GbczhjRrCMrKXz9SKaCyckAGs12qdLsKBJyW4xGcsv8h1m71Ntt5GHZ3gCvcnMIA2YyUVUwC-N14hDTKQ6mIuHHzw8ysvXJHXvCxF7lANtu_lwzKnYgALiWuJantQI9qnexbM-hz/s320/IMG_3762.JPG" width="320" /></a></b></span></span></div><p></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: Lobster;"><b><span style="font-family: Oleo Script;"> </span></b><span style="font-family: Oleo Script;">Existing vs. Being Fully Alive</span></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /> On a nice Autumn day, do you really feel the gentle, refreshing breeze as you walk down a sidewalk? If you stop at an outdoor cafe to eat lunch, do you really taste the food as you eat it? Do you sit and take-in, breathe-in all of the world around you? If someone comes walking by and says "Great day outside," do you respond with a "Yes, it's beautiful" or do you look away?</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Well, I can answer "NO" to these questions, and admit that I am not fully alive. Every day of my young adult/adult life I have lived in automatic-zombie mode. Recently, I have walked outside and thought "what a beautiful morning!" And I've imagined myself frolicking across the neighborhood greeting the day and everyone I encounter. For just a few seconds, I get a glimpse of what it must be like to be fully alive. For just a few seconds...</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Every time I see the Bette Davis movie, <i><b>Now Voyager</b></i>, I get choked up during a scene where she admits she's never felt alive. Her character in the film, Charlotte Vale, is a woman in her 30s who has lived all of her life at home, under her codependent mother's thumb. Charlotte is codependent on her mother and on the verge of a nervous breakdown, when her sister-in-law rescues her.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">After spending time in a sanitarium, Charlotte is provided with a cruise to South America, courtesy of her sister-in-law. On the cruise, we immediately see the new Charlotte on the surface, wearing make-up, dressed in the latest fashions and free to be herself-- if only she can find that self inside.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Charlotte meets a man on the cruise and the two of them build a lasting bond with each other after Charlotte opens up and confesses to him that her family is dysfunctional and that she has just been released from a mental hospital. Instead of running, the man (Jerry) empathizes with Charlotte and shows her photos of his dysfunctional family. As she finishes crying, she says to him "Oh, thank you, thank you... for a few moments I almost felt like I was actually alive."</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">As a recovering codependent, that last line hit me right in the heart. And I asked myself "Have you ever felt fully alive?" The answer was "No." I realized then that I'd simply been existing. The last time I felt fully alive must have been before I entered First Grade in school. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">After watching that scene, I wanted to cry as easily as Charlotte did, but I wasn't graced with the tears I needed to begin my healing process. The very process that would lead me to being fully alive. Tears have only come once to me in recent years, and those tears didn't last long enough to provide true healing.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Still, I have pushed myself to grow past my shell at times, reaching out to other people on occasion. Walking, I have greeted people passing by and they almost always respond. If someone says "Good morning" to me, I respond in kind. I feel good afterwards, but I'm not able to hold on to that feeling or the comfort of possibly being alive that it offers. I always end up regressing into my outer-armor to protect myself from being hurt in any way.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I affirmed to myself today that the problem is my inner-child/inner-teenager. I am still so wounded from those years, that the adult me can't move past the protective barriers that served me years ago, but keep me dead to live today. I tell myself "There's no need to continue hiding behind the outer walls I've built. The past is gone, no one is hurting me today, and even if someone did verbally assault me, I know now that there words would really reflect the way they feel about themselves-- not about me.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I want to fully feel alive before I die. I strive for it every time I leave the house, but I can't seem to fully break free from my mental prison walls. Unfortunately, my Higher Power doesn't seem to be very helpful. I believe I have a partnership with God: I do what I can to help myself and I leave the rest to God. I feel like I'm trying to help myself by reaching out, but I don't feel the presence of Higher Power working with me.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">It's frustrating, but hopefully things will gracefully move forward so I can leave the miserable world of my thoughts and fully enter the real world-- and stay there. I'd like to be able to walk on a breezy, Autumn day and fully feel the cool air. I'd like to eat my food slowly and truly taste how good it is. I'd like to be greeted by someone and greet them back well enough to begin a friendly conversation. And I'd love to talk for hours, even if I never see that person again. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I want to shine and radiate my fully alive inner-being to the world around me. </span></span><br /></p>Charlie Wehrleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08092132068039110411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6819209600755082651.post-9400101613491969922022-09-23T12:50:00.003-07:002022-09-26T08:39:20.535-07:00Problem Solving: A Healthy Perspective<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh133qyjOaUO9Up9VIEeEoQTUtWPIjS9jMXQa1u4RIuZhpvuEB28ZRuGQo01Jv5EWaRScJlcCwvVAlyTimc32hTn0tVHz9TnlwubWc1QCBW-hmC0c4fVw8xhkq0nsWeYuZQXzJ5Yefi02PcOQ8gYLEr7Wh-ZxDmrAyVomcDO-6rBvNysm7xRrFbUaO9/s382/307535788_5403020689780606_6841474303441225401_n.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="382" data-original-width="382" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh133qyjOaUO9Up9VIEeEoQTUtWPIjS9jMXQa1u4RIuZhpvuEB28ZRuGQo01Jv5EWaRScJlcCwvVAlyTimc32hTn0tVHz9TnlwubWc1QCBW-hmC0c4fVw8xhkq0nsWeYuZQXzJ5Yefi02PcOQ8gYLEr7Wh-ZxDmrAyVomcDO-6rBvNysm7xRrFbUaO9/s320/307535788_5403020689780606_6841474303441225401_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">After thinking about the above quote, I realized that I often problem solve by reacting to the problem, which is a big problem in itself. Most of my problems are created on a subconscious level of thinking. </span></span><p></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Like the typical addict, I subconsciously create my own mistakes which then become problems, and those problems feed my need for chaos.Then, I am able to feel victimized by the chaos. Is that a perfect addictive cycle? Seems that way.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">And, when it comes to solving the problem/chaos after it no longer serves my needs, I usually default into reactionary behavior, which is brewing in my subconscious mind. That way, I can create more chaos.<br /></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Well, now that I am aware of this cycle, I've decided I don't want to be in this rotating mouse trap anymore. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Einstein is right. To solve a problem caused by the subconscious mind, we have to use our conscious mind. Our knee-jerk decisions are all made by our subconscious mind and they tend to get us into big trouble. We may say things we seriously regret and realize that there's really no way to fully undo the harm we caused someone else. We can't take our words back or erase them completely.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">If our subconscious mind has gotten us into trouble, we have to take the time on a conscious level to find a solution. We can never solve the problem subconsciously by reacting.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I've learned that when I'm faced with a problem, like a breach of my boundaries, that I need to step back from the consciously situation, breathe, and ask myself (and my Higher Power) "What are my options? How can I best respond to this breach? It usually doesn't take very long for me to then respond in a way that won't cause further friction. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">There are situations, however, where an answer doesn't come to me in the moment and so I breathe and remain silent. There's no need to respond immediately. Once I do know how to appropriately respond, I can approach the other person and set my proper boundary with them.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">And the same formula can be used when I have caused a problem. I may not know how to make amends in the present moment. And I don't want to react toward the other person in such a way as to make the situation worse. So, I breathe and search my conscious mind for an answer to make amends. Making amends does not include blaming the other person for my mistake. Forget the blame game-- it's an addictive response that simply makes us look much more pitiful than justified.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">There are many wake up calls in recovery. This is a big one. <br /></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span><br /></p>Charlie Wehrleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08092132068039110411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6819209600755082651.post-7573455712062720792022-09-21T14:27:00.002-07:002022-09-22T07:23:17.493-07:00FATAL mistake<p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJo6TIzd_NX9QrnGj4vO9g9w4t7isqBJ8bTm0dfKxCq55APhBj1GU0IUXDNunNqqYwa4wixdKsqHGPN5spdt7o85Tip9-eXlShBG0Q_YIatvpjM9GbfSmatfdCHUaaMUye0QYVwrifIESDvXMO9klw23X2_pNxSx1YxanTCn0LRMMs_wNe5JctPwOr/s2048/zzxw.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="2048" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJo6TIzd_NX9QrnGj4vO9g9w4t7isqBJ8bTm0dfKxCq55APhBj1GU0IUXDNunNqqYwa4wixdKsqHGPN5spdt7o85Tip9-eXlShBG0Q_YIatvpjM9GbfSmatfdCHUaaMUye0QYVwrifIESDvXMO9klw23X2_pNxSx1YxanTCn0LRMMs_wNe5JctPwOr/s320/zzxw.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span><p></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">One of my codependent misconceptions is that every mistake I make-- great or small-- is FATAL. I go into an immediate panic. I feel like I have an ax over my head and at any minute it's going to drop on me. I feel like a total fake and loser for having made the mistake.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">This subconscious belief has haunted me, making me miserable for days at a time, for many years now. It's just been recently that I have been able to fish it out of my subconscious mind. Once I realize that the consequences for the particular mistake are nowhere near as big as what my feelings are feeding me, sanity settles in and I can breathe again.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Making a typo in an official document is NOT fatal. Forgetting about an appointment is NOT fatal. Dripping pizza sauce on my shirt is NOT fatal. Getting a traffic ticket is NOT fatal. Missing a payment by its due date is NOT fatal. Forgetting a friend's birthday is NOT fatal. Putting on a few extra pounds is NOT fatal. Having a bad hair day is NOT fatal.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">So, why do we often act like these mistakes are bigger than life? For me, I can trace it back to my drive for perfection, instilled in me from early childhood. Any mistake awakens my subconscious reaction to the realization that I committed an error and I am obviously far from being perfect. The sirens go off and the perfection police come after me. My spirit sinks--- until I consciously choose to realize the mistake is NOT fatal.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Now, every time I feel "Fatal flaw," I immediately (most of the time) become aware that yes, I've made a mistake and that's OK. The mistake isn't FATAL. Never is, never has been. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">There are big mistakes. We can't deny that fact. Even these we have to put into proper perspective. Then, we can seek assistance from a friend, or a co-worker, or a family member-- and always from our Higher Power. </span></span><br /></p>Charlie Wehrleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08092132068039110411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6819209600755082651.post-78535971847786455612022-09-21T07:14:00.000-07:002024-03-01T14:24:07.985-08:00Regain Your Personal Power by Walking through Your Darkness and into Your Light<h3 style="margin-left: 80px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><span style="font-family: Shadows Into Light;"> </span></b></span></h3><h3 style="margin-left: 80px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: Shadows Into Light;"><b><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiU8ygCSTCjBFj09tGPnp4fn8iGQwPujiQqiAlgVPf1YtUifJjByl9hCZXcvYcG0U04ZQbWoAlRP4n8iByXzpNVX-GyMRhHZRYPAZCrsDmBhx_BYvV2__pKxHYV229w-EWqzUfsmPLOXKE11wQPA3ENTpgRVb2_s60v1cBQbY4TRTRqpycjJHggYFt/s1024/IMG_3665(1).JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1015" data-original-width="1024" height="317" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiU8ygCSTCjBFj09tGPnp4fn8iGQwPujiQqiAlgVPf1YtUifJjByl9hCZXcvYcG0U04ZQbWoAlRP4n8iByXzpNVX-GyMRhHZRYPAZCrsDmBhx_BYvV2__pKxHYV229w-EWqzUfsmPLOXKE11wQPA3ENTpgRVb2_s60v1cBQbY4TRTRqpycjJHggYFt/s320/IMG_3665(1).JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br /></b></span></span></h3><h3 style="margin-left: 80px; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #741b47;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: Shadows Into Light;"><b>"You must recognize the darkness in yourself </b></span></span></span></h3><h3 style="margin-left: 80px; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #741b47;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: Shadows Into Light;"><b>in order to understand the darkness in others." </b></span></span></span></h3><h3 style="margin-left: 80px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: Shadows Into Light;"><b><span style="color: #a64d79;">Carl Jung</span> </b></span></span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><span style="font-family: Shadows Into Light;"><br /></span></b></span></h3><br /><p><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: arial;">The past few days, I've been walking through my darkness. I can't say I've enjoyed facing the fire, but it is necessary in recovery. Most of my life, I had no idea how much darkness was in me. I thought of myself as the good boy. But being wedded to good behavior--perfect behavior-- is a huge darkness in itself.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: arial;">No one can be perfect and no one can truly be the good boy or good girl 24/7. I have challenged myself to do things my way. Many people have held power over me for years: mother, father, clergy, friends, classmates, coworkers and complete strangers. These are the people who I have allowed to be in charge of my decisions, my actions, my beliefs, my view of myself and most every other aspect of my behavior.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: arial;">If they said "jump," I jumped. If they said "This is a sin," I felt dirty. If they said "You are inherently bad," I was a bad person. That one, accepting the idea that we are somehow bad, is devastating. It has really haunted me my entire life. Any mistake I make brings the intense, dark feelings of being irredeemably bad.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: arial;">And this lie about being bad, is really nothing more than a manipulative action on behalf of those people who were determined to control us. Once someone else can convince us that we are bad people-- and they are not-- we have trapped ourselves into a web of being untrue to ourselves.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Suddenly our self-worth is all dependent on whether or not we please the other person based in their beliefs, their concept of morals and of acceptable behavior. Any behavior on our part that fails to meet their standards means that we are bad. Worse, it leads us to believe that we have to live under the thumb of their rules, or face the consequences of abandonment.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Many of us were trapped under the thumb of others as small children, which left us with no choice. We had to accept what parents and other adults were shoving down our throats or face the fear of abandonment. As a child, there is probably no fear that is greater. We can't survive without adults to help us. We need them. And we are also desperate to be loved, so we bend to their rules, believing that if we keep them, we will be loved.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: arial;">On reaching puberty and our teen-age years, some of us are able to break free. Some of us are not. But even those who break free by leaving home as soon as they are old enough, still suffer from the lies they originally accepted. Externally, these people are free, but internally they are still in emotional bondage. Those who aren't able to understand fully the damage they have experienced then choose to medicate away their emotional pain-- which they do not understand-- with addictions.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Whether we were among those who were able to physically break free from our parents, or not, we continue to live with the shame of being "bad," and the fear that others will find out and abandon us. So we continue to place ourselves under the thumbs of friends, colleagues, other addicts-- most anyone. We continue to live by the rules and beliefs of other people because we are too afraid of breaking them and being abandoned once more.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Living by the rules, beliefs, assumptions, expectations and needs of other people is emotionally deadly. It keeps us from discovering who we truly are and living our lives by our own standards, beliefs and personal rules.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: arial;">It's scary at first-- trying to own my personal power-- but after I wade through the fear of being judged and rejected, it feels GREAT! I no longer have to be the person that someone else wants me to be. I no longer have to be false to myself.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: arial;">We can't be our true selves until we walk through our personal darkness. Walking through that darkness exposes all of the ways that we have been untrue to ourselves. It exposes all of the lies and rules we are still living by that don't belong to us and certainly don't serve our spiritual and emotional growth.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Like Jung says, the more I uncover my own darkness, the more I have empathy for the darkness in others. Even the people who imposed their beliefs and expectations on me have a darkness inside that I now recognize. They may not have been able to do any better than they did because they were plagued by their own insecurities and fears. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Walking through the darkness provides us with the ability to understand ourselves for the better and to understand the struggles of other, who are actually very similar to our own.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Your Higher Power will lead us down the path to self-discovery. God will walk with us through the darkness and point you toward the light. From there, we need to make the choice to step out of the darkness, to begin to discover our true selves and to walk forward living by our standards based on the light within us.<br /></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p>Charlie Wehrleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08092132068039110411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6819209600755082651.post-71151074018720285822022-09-20T07:58:00.001-07:002022-09-20T10:53:10.609-07:00Sometimes We Just Have to Be Done with Drama<p><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJEM0Ew8U0zhHUIDb32vQ39gNeiIFbQ4ueiENWfB1JjTi24Mo_wNrbAxAFP9Fs8vMcU-sDTXa3msDTId0fJEcJR4kchsqwaOYVG2afC3StV9Ez55PiwneMdHBCa2Qyn9Ztw6zxCzbhCihbmrIABbEA6smW0LN1MNzFjRCiDlVs-tMIMwJ4hHfRMD0c/s1070/rrt.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1070" data-original-width="935" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJEM0Ew8U0zhHUIDb32vQ39gNeiIFbQ4ueiENWfB1JjTi24Mo_wNrbAxAFP9Fs8vMcU-sDTXa3msDTId0fJEcJR4kchsqwaOYVG2afC3StV9Ez55PiwneMdHBCa2Qyn9Ztw6zxCzbhCihbmrIABbEA6smW0LN1MNzFjRCiDlVs-tMIMwJ4hHfRMD0c/s320/rrt.jpg" width="280" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">T<span style="font-size: medium;">he average addict is used to facing a great deal of chaos and drama in their daily lives. For years, one of my daily pleas was "God, can't I get through one day-- just ONE day-- without a problem that drains and exhausts me?" </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I don't make that plea in the same way anymore. That plea was about life handing me a different headache every day. Truth is, life wasn't the problem. I was the instigator of all of the daily chaos and drama in my life.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">There was no way for Higher Power to answer my original plea until I woke up and decided to get out of the way. Initially, I found it easy to avoid creating drama in my life. But I have a tendency to create new ones when I'm really bored.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Today, I got up and said "I'm tired of struggling! I'm sick of being at war with myself! And I refuse to be a victim of my own thinking anymore." </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I've been trying too hard to control things about myself that I just cannot control. Hence, every day the drama of the uncontrollable has paraded through the Main Street of my mind, making me miserable. But I put up my hands this morning and said "NO MORE!"</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I'm done. I'm done with trying to control the things I cannot control, like almost every aspect of my body, the shower curtain that won't stay sealed to keep the water away from the floor, how much hair I have on my head, how my clothes fit, whether I'm doing my job right, etc.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Can you believe I made a drama out of something so insignificant as a shower curtain? It's codependent insanity. And yet, it creates just enough chaos to satisfy my addictive need for it. <br /></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">It's bad enough when we addicts create drama around our own lives, but it gets much worse when we subconsciously choose to create dramas around other people lives and behaviors. My eye is constantly on him or her, ready to make an assumption or a judgment. "Why did she say that to me? Oh, she must not like me. What did I do wrong?" This is my "Boohoo Drama." </span></span><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">A life-long drama that has no basis in reality.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Of course, I'm also finding myself wanting to control what others are doing or not doing. "How come he didn't show up for a meeting at work?" "How can anyone dress that way and think they look good? Don't they have a mirror?" "What's up with that man-bun? It's awful." How could anyone be interested in really stupid entertainment like that?" Is any of this my business? No. People are free to like and do what they want. No one needs my approval and I don't need anyone else's either. <br /></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The good news is now I'm aware of all this bad thinking. And I don't want to be held hostage by it anymore. Now, I'm aware of all the judgments I make against myself and everyone around me. And now, I can choose to stop. If a negative, controlling thought comes into my head today (and a dozen already have), I can say "Stop! Not going there. It's not within my power to be judging everyone." Let go!</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The sooner we can free ourselves from creating our own troubles through self-chosen dramas, the sooner we will know peace inside. I'm already feeling some of that peace by relinquishing my need to care about things I'm powerless over.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Think I'll practice breathing instead of drama. After all, I'm done with chaos. I'm not mad or angry anymore. I'm just done and ready to chill into a life that's often beyond my healthy control.</span></span><br /></p>Charlie Wehrleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08092132068039110411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6819209600755082651.post-81273380831038017772022-09-19T07:31:00.001-07:002022-09-19T07:31:42.900-07:00Break the Chains Before They Break You<p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;"></span></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCWL3F48urMwyj-j9eu8XK7fDwVN7piSZ6mS2o0Au46ugtPtaHQ6dQsibZksKiut_X7gPN8YlOp04V02jSPQjSpW7QxlOrXKAP8kkRLVfgpTXP0G4eDNcnM3SVrGKu_yg9lmupzwk23ry1RPWNZRYunVWyKcdiPAjQe4M3I6BOamv7FUTe2FIm9tJ5/s960/307928477_2642985745837109_3434277767365989402_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="958" data-original-width="960" height="319" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCWL3F48urMwyj-j9eu8XK7fDwVN7piSZ6mS2o0Au46ugtPtaHQ6dQsibZksKiut_X7gPN8YlOp04V02jSPQjSpW7QxlOrXKAP8kkRLVfgpTXP0G4eDNcnM3SVrGKu_yg9lmupzwk23ry1RPWNZRYunVWyKcdiPAjQe4M3I6BOamv7FUTe2FIm9tJ5/s320/307928477_2642985745837109_3434277767365989402_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /> As a codependent, I used to think that the chains of addiction were simple: I was addicted to other people, people I chose to be my (false) Higher Power. These were the people who were supposed to save me from myself and from all that was bad in my life. </span><p></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Breaking that primary chain of codependency took a few years, but I finally found it easy, once I learned the reasons why I eagerly engaged in seeking out human Higher Powers. I uncovered the fact that I spoke an addictive language that was invisible to the human eye, or even my conscious means of understanding why I acted the way I did. And that those I was addictively attracted to also spoke a silent language that attracted me.<br /></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">After four years of recovery, I realized that a huge part of my problem was that I was addicted to friending the neediest people on earth. All of my false Higher Powers were actually needier than I was. At first that doesn't make sense. But I purposely-- without consciously knowing it-- chose people who were needier than I was.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Why? Because I felt that they would need me more than I would need them. Once I began to manipulate them-- through people-pleasing them, caretaking them, giving my total attention to fixing them-- they'd have to love and need me to the point that they surely couldn't abandon me, right? At that point, I'd be able to mold and shape them into being what I wanted. Then, they could begin to reciprocate by taking care of my every need and want. Right?</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The formula, now that I am able to see it on a conscious level, seemed brilliant and insane at the same time. There is a certain amount of sense to it. Problem is that it's all fueled by manipulation of another person-- a needy person who was every bit as broken as I was-- if not more so.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">It's been a long time since I've found myself eagerly attracted to overly needy people. I don't walk into a room and start subconsciously picking through people until I find the neediest of the needy anymore. And I don't quickly approach them with the giddy idea that I had found the person who is going to rescue me-- after I first rescue them.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I thought I had broken my chains of addiction when I reached this level of enlightenment. But I hadn't. I'd let go of pursuing others to be my Higher Power, but there were many other chains I needed to break, to let go of, to be a healthy recovering person. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">For example, I still have the urgent need to change many things that I can't change. For decades, I've wanted my face to be different-- free of the terrible acne scarring that has plagued me since I was 13 years old. As much as I have tried to erase those scars-- and I've found that they run deeper than my face-- they are still present. And because I still desperately want to be free of them, they have actually placed chains all around me. Chains of something I cannot change, and the misery that's attached to them as long as I refuse to accept them.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I need to accept those surface scars and I need to believe that the right people will love me despite the scars. But I also need to probe deeper into my hidden, emotional scars. I'm learning that the hidden truth is I wouldn't have severe acne scars if my mother had cared enough to help me at age 13. I had scarring all across my face. My cheeks were covered with huge scabs under my eyes. I wish I had pictures to show how horrible it was. And yet, as those scars were developing, my mother did nothing to help me. She didn't take me to a dermatologist until the holes in my face were totally out of control.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I'm now asking myself "Why?" Why did my mother wait until my face was irreparably damaged? It wasn't about the cost of medical attention. It wasn't because she was too busy. Did she have a purpose in neglecting me or wanting me to be damaged in this way?</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I don't have any answers to these questions. Right now I only have hurt and anger. I thought I had forgiven my mother several years ago for controlling my life to the point that I never had a life of my own. But it seems the betrayal and pain run deeper than that surface forgiveness.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;"></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I'm also realizing now that there are still so many other aspects of my life-- and the lives of others-- that I'd like to change. These are all things that I am powerless over and yet I haven't admitted it to myself until now.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I might not be suffering anymore from my primary addiction of making other addicts into my false Higher Power, but I'm still a control freak in so many other ways. And I'm still wounded in deeper ways than I previously understood.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I need to break these chains before they break me. It's the only way to gain understanding and peace. Higher Power, grant me the serenity to accept all that I am refusing to accept and to move forward in a healthy manner as together we break these chains...</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I need to let go of the person who was traumatized so that I can be reborn into the person I want to become-- the person free to be me. </span></span><br /></p>Charlie Wehrleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08092132068039110411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6819209600755082651.post-82681000695741734922022-09-17T11:22:00.006-07:002022-09-17T16:51:31.935-07:00The Shame Face<p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;"></span></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhymv76k9LPdYCHLenj52uh3YneezmBG5kjN_wlI9FcSKHUWr6Zey1XX4wEfrTvR1_zd0fsNke6ObPHFCM9epnLJlykSdeO660x4q-dSjQLrXn5Nr7H9bVbMXRJyLfbamcRSPyoVO4skVatV3Om7nvT8CDzsklCj2YexTon-NlR48QtGLHwuCgg6Zzu/s1122/shameface.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="594" data-original-width="1122" height="276" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhymv76k9LPdYCHLenj52uh3YneezmBG5kjN_wlI9FcSKHUWr6Zey1XX4wEfrTvR1_zd0fsNke6ObPHFCM9epnLJlykSdeO660x4q-dSjQLrXn5Nr7H9bVbMXRJyLfbamcRSPyoVO4skVatV3Om7nvT8CDzsklCj2YexTon-NlR48QtGLHwuCgg6Zzu/w453-h276/shameface.jpg" width="453" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /> </span><p></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> I've learned that a "shame face" is what we addictive personalities wear around in public. It's a face that says "I'm unacceptable. I'm not allowed to be me. I'm worthless. No one will ever truly love me. Don't approach me. I can't face the pain of further rejection and shame." </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">My body immediately reacts when I'm in public, forcing my shame face to the surface for all to see. I've been especially aware of this recently, and this awareness is the first step in challenging the thoughts and feelings that feed my shame face.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">After several good days of pushing past my shame face, today was a big step backwards. I failed miserably, no matter how I tried to rescue myself from it. My guess is that I had many negative thoughts buzzing around in my subconscious mind. These thoughts, which aren't easily detectable to the conscious mind, drove my feelings to crash like a stock market disaster.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Although I am not happy about this setback, I'm not really upset about it either. I've been in recovery long enough to know that every addictive person in a recovery program is going to take steps backwards at times. This usually means to me that there are lessons I still haven't learned about my childhood/teen/young adult trauma. I expect to take steps backwards because I know I have not uncovered, much less faced, all of my interior wounds.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I find the shame face to be one of the most difficult signs of abuse to deal with rightly. I know it's being fed by negative subconscious thoughts and the fears associated with those thoughts. I know these thoughts are simply replaying the verbal shaming I accepted as a child/teenager. The same words that I then turned into mantras that have played and replayed endlessly in my head.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I remember a few years ago, I was seeing a therapist in Tucson and he told me that he had seen me at Park Place a few days ago. He then said "You looked totally unapproachable." He validated what I had long feared: that my body language screamed "STAY AWAY FROM ME!" It drove others away, even people that I did not want to drive away. It kept me from making friends at parties or other social settings. It was the visible version of my lack of self-acceptance and of all the pain tied to the abuse I grew up with-- abuse from others and from myself. </span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> So, how do we free ourselves from our Shame Faces? Well, the word shame says it all. A shame face speaks of internalized shame. Much of it is from a lifelong self-imposed shame that has built up inside of us for years. Some of that shame we accepted from others, thinking that they were right and we were wrong and so we deserved to be shamed. The rest of our shame is the byproduct of the shame we accepted; the shame that we chose to own and we likewise chose to whip ourselves with internally.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">If we indeed chose to accept that shame from others, we can also choose to release it. Shame no longer serves us (if it ever did). We don't have to continue to accept and brutalize ourselves with it.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">In rejecting, or refusing to own this old shame any longer, we also need to identify what we feel shame about. This is the hard part. Too often we've felt like we were under an avalanche of shame. It was impossible to identify the various sources of the deep shame we were feeling.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">To get past this conglomeration of shame, it's a good idea to attempt to identify those things about ourselves that we deem are unacceptable. We will never be free from shame if we are not willing to accept the things we cannot change about ourselves (our ethnicity, sexual-orientation, body size, gender, level of intelligence, etc.) We also must accept the things about ourselves that cause shame, but are within our power to change.<br /></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">As I've said in other posts, I have a great deal of body shame. It drives me crazy because it's two pronged-- feeling fat on the inside as well as on the outside. Even when I'm not physically carrying extra weight on the outside, I'm still carrying the ugly feeling it imposes on the inside. This is something I have to truly deal with before I can be free from my shame face.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I know many of my shame-based feelings are hidden and I need to work harder on bringing them to the surface where my mind can begin to consciously work through them.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I can do my part in relieving myself of the shame face I wear, but I will also need the help of my Higher Power. This undertaking is too big for me. The fear and guilt associated with the shame are more than I can push past on my own. So, if you are faced with conquering your shame, remember to turn over to your Higher Power whatever you are not able to do for yourself. It's also good to have a trusted friend that can help you sift through your hurt.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Let's get started. The sooner we do, the sooner we will be able to walk into the future with a "Radiant Face." Bye-bye shame face.<br /></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span><br /></p>Charlie Wehrleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08092132068039110411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6819209600755082651.post-18813707752231095452022-09-16T07:35:00.003-07:002022-09-16T09:38:50.810-07:00Owning Our Lives and Living Happily Is Our Choice<p><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5afS_Cb91JHKxsLbTWLcM0m00Die2lEsFvhRtQFtxOj03zmW9yKNxUCvC455PRkzEwUkQkv1cGAm3OBfK4EVl2qjn4Z5Pkm9QaDNoBq5rJP4frfON8Nu3ytHp1-FyF5WeO_Kgn5oDzHTmRkhTO6L0mjCsaTckgZZvvvBBsiQERokS6kBfd6d37YIY/s1000/6b10e6_21484e1ba7d6447e97df96e02e4a6ba9~mv2_d_3264_2448_s_4_2.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="750" data-original-width="1000" height="318" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5afS_Cb91JHKxsLbTWLcM0m00Die2lEsFvhRtQFtxOj03zmW9yKNxUCvC455PRkzEwUkQkv1cGAm3OBfK4EVl2qjn4Z5Pkm9QaDNoBq5rJP4frfON8Nu3ytHp1-FyF5WeO_Kgn5oDzHTmRkhTO6L0mjCsaTckgZZvvvBBsiQERokS6kBfd6d37YIY/w423-h318/6b10e6_21484e1ba7d6447e97df96e02e4a6ba9~mv2_d_3264_2448_s_4_2.jpg" width="423" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span><p></p><p><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b> </b></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #b01c55;"><b>My Prayer for Owning My Life</b></span></span><br /></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">No one is meaner to me than I am</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I choose to no longer be mean to me</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I choose to stop blaming myself for the past</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I refuse to run from my bad feelings about me</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I will no longer project my insecurities on others</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">and pretend they are abusing me when they are not-- I am</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I choose to stop hating myself</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I choose to stop believing the lies about myself that I absorbed as a child</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I choose this day to face all of my feelings</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I choose to grow within by taking my power back from old feelings</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I choose to accept that in the past I did the best that I could do</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I will own my personal power by dismissing negative thoughts that enter my mind</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I will no longer project any of my thoughts onto other people</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I will consciously move out of my head and into the real world</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I will find joy in the real world</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I will begin to feel like I am fully alive</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I will view others as people who are on my side and I will bless those who are not<br /></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I choose to fully accept myself just the way I am, just the way God created me</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I choose to take better care of myself as I choose to love myself gradually</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I choose to be the best thing that has ever happened to me</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I choose to fully own my own personal power</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I choose to set boundaries with people who are toxic for me</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I choose to no longer allow others to judge me</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I choose to stand on my own two feel, guided by my Higher Power</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I choose to live the life God always intended me to live by wandering beyond my comfort zone</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I choose to be free of fear and filled with optimism for my future</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I choose to be me-- and to be grateful for the life God has given me.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I place myself in the hands of my Higher Power for the healing I cannot provide for myself. <br /></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Amen <br /></span></span></p><p><br /></p>Charlie Wehrleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08092132068039110411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6819209600755082651.post-74571613526277735902022-09-15T11:56:00.001-07:002022-09-15T11:56:40.120-07:00Self-Acceptance + Self-Care = Personal Power<p><span style="font-family: arial;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1WWP7-CxSDydCCF86GBt0OZfJXED06BS_jHefjMQJOVIL5qP11D-d3C7LOme8cUV66En_fFcBgFjbCj4Ij5G8jYRQZCmwSJdYarpc2TWoxLrf9pYa-JelGUnJ11dIrOO8Vx_F7xOhINO5ovcczCdMQUChEiEhzEw5NJI1XvU9xdXeCBXbjjPknt1-/s800/man-lying-field.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="533" data-original-width="800" height="237" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1WWP7-CxSDydCCF86GBt0OZfJXED06BS_jHefjMQJOVIL5qP11D-d3C7LOme8cUV66En_fFcBgFjbCj4Ij5G8jYRQZCmwSJdYarpc2TWoxLrf9pYa-JelGUnJ11dIrOO8Vx_F7xOhINO5ovcczCdMQUChEiEhzEw5NJI1XvU9xdXeCBXbjjPknt1-/w372-h237/man-lying-field.jpg" width="372" /></a></div><br /> <p></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">I'm learning that being happy is more than feeling good about ourselves. It's also about taking good care of ourselves; meeting all of our personal needs because we believe we are worth the investment. And I admit this idea used to make me gag, especially when I was looking at me in a mirror.<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Good self-care requires a reasonable dose of self-acceptance. But that self-acceptance doesn't have to be 100% to get us into a better place. I've been in recovery since 1995. I am one of those who immediately "got it" in my head shortly after I entered recovery. But it's taken me years to "get it" emotionally. Self-acceptance, self-care, mercy, forgiveness and unconditional love all require that we face our feelings and reclaim our serenity by cleansing ourselves of our past, dark emotions-- and the fear that drove us into our addictions.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Over this past week, small miracles have happened in my life. First, a chestful of dark feelings was lifted from my body when a white butterfly flew into my car and whisked past me flying in one window and out another. The next day, after eating pizza at Andy's, I went walking with a remarkable heartfelt swagger that I had never felt before. I had been determined to take care of myself by taking back my personal power from everyone I'd given it to-- which was basically the entire world.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">I walked past people thinking to myself "Look people, I'm owning my personal power and I feel great!" I suddenly noticed, as I continued to walk, that my eyes weren't searching all around for someone to rescue me from me. I realized that this need to be rescued was a large part of my problem in social settings. I'm sure my body language must have projected that emotional neediness onto everyone who looked my way. No wonder person after person scurried away so fast!</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Feeling that needy meant I wasn't taking care of my own mental and emotion needs. I was still codependently seeking-out someone else to meet my needs. And I understand why now: It was because my self-acceptance was still poor. As a result, I didn't think I was good enough or worthy enough to meet my own needs. Someone else had to pull me out of my hell-hole.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Yesterday, I was out walking again, and it almost felt natural to walk with my head up, while enjoying the cool breeze and feeling like I was owning my space in this world. My eyes were taking in everything around me, including the people I encountered, but I wasn't feeling anxious, or looking like a lost puppy in need of rescue. I felt free. And I knew this was because of my self-acceptance which has led to better self-care: getting out and walking for exercise, limiting the foods I love (the ones that don't love me back), sleeping well, and making the conscious effort to remind myself wherever I go that I am now owning my personal power.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">I am also rejoicing in the fact that I no longer feel the need to explain myself or provide excuses for who I am or what I do to anyone. What I choose to do is my business and no one else's. I will no longer explain myself to others, or even think that I have to do so. I will live my life and everyone else is free to live their lives. And they don't have to explain themselves or make excuses for themselves to me.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">I have also been very grateful to my Higher Power for all of the progress that I am so quickly making, after years and years of not "getting it." Or refusing to "get it" because it made me squeamish to think I deserved better in this life. <br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">The lesson for today: Self-care is a great gift to enjoy once we have improved our self-acceptance.</span><br /></p>Charlie Wehrleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08092132068039110411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6819209600755082651.post-13060655230697660262022-09-13T12:49:00.001-07:002024-02-19T14:28:11.451-08:00Is a White Butterfly a Sign from Our Higher Power?<p><span style="font-family: arial;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGtVvuWLWEQCYLYgpHCDKrMEm6XqtA7Jvlv6452b5P0Fqjf-BfzE8ReYAhrpZFMNmcmqw3uCVSMm4tDKyx_EjyQXSN7C_ytX6AykFvAClH9lJW4KW85yO-FUOAJ3PpilNiGPeuopuPxJexq5wo8G7zQD76LFnijuK9R2JgMGk0rR_dohl7iWaO4OQO/s910/butterfly-hand-perched-wing.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="701" data-original-width="910" height="247" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGtVvuWLWEQCYLYgpHCDKrMEm6XqtA7Jvlv6452b5P0Fqjf-BfzE8ReYAhrpZFMNmcmqw3uCVSMm4tDKyx_EjyQXSN7C_ytX6AykFvAClH9lJW4KW85yO-FUOAJ3PpilNiGPeuopuPxJexq5wo8G7zQD76LFnijuK9R2JgMGk0rR_dohl7iWaO4OQO/s320/butterfly-hand-perched-wing.jpg" width="320" /></a></div> <p></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Saturday morning I was in a very bad mood. I found myself just wanting to jump in my car and get away. I didn't have any idea initially of where I was going. Then, as I was driving through D.C., I decided to go to Pentagon City Center and have lunch.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Problem was the route I took was backed up with an accident and I couldn't get onto I-365. This led me into a wrong way excursion across downtown with one street closed here, another street being one-way the wrong way, etc. I eventually ended up in an area of town I wasn't familiar with at all.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Frustrated, as I reached a stop sign on a side street, I stopped and just sat there cursing. Suddenly, a white butterfly entered my car through the passenger window. It flew right past me and out the driver's side window. I'd never experienced anything like it before. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">I watched the butterfly disappear out of sight and then continued my trek toward Pentagon City, eventually arriving.<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"> According to the blog <i><b>The Confidence HQ</b></i>, to "view of a white butterfly might provide you with a sense of serenity,
faith, and confidence in your own spiritual journey, knowing that
everything will work out just as it should in the divine timing... It’s a promising omen that you’ll be able to overcome some difficulties in your life in the near future."</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">"The color white is connected with purity, abundance, and a new
beginning. A white butterfly, on the other hand, is typically a sign
that you need to turn the page in your life and start a new journey... It’s
possible that your guardian angel is keeping an eye on you and giving
you a white butterfly as a sign. Finding yourself in the presence of an
angelic creature with beautiful white wings is a solid indicator that
you have come face to face with your guardian angel." </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"> I don't know if the butterfly had anything to do with being a guardian angel, but the next day was an amazing step forward for me. It was the first day where I was able to feel self-empowered, and I was able to own my power for most of the day, without handing it over to everyone else near me.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">I've experienced butterflies winging their way over my shoulder or flying right in front of me before, but never anything like my experience of having one fly through my car like I did Saturday. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">What's up, Higher Power? </span><br /></p>Charlie Wehrleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08092132068039110411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6819209600755082651.post-25780997732269009072022-09-12T10:42:00.008-07:002022-09-12T11:19:55.284-07:00God Loves You Because of Who God Is<p> </p><p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicxeED0rNzNfHAEdsDAJFLtiH1Es_6_0iwW9nvgqwYZ6uQdlhhMYa2BibJlKLvjDYLPjWvMRjQrURv9TLSz_3QHwOjlecsu3Ui46Aa0x7fopXgFsMqAMa6ZtPdBx-ncXn2fIKr-TTZuX0wWg1IpdNWdI8k5DSlepNa22pC8T8RAv0Jt8x6S6LAmILS/s3343/IMG_3495%20(2).JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2431" data-original-width="3343" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicxeED0rNzNfHAEdsDAJFLtiH1Es_6_0iwW9nvgqwYZ6uQdlhhMYa2BibJlKLvjDYLPjWvMRjQrURv9TLSz_3QHwOjlecsu3Ui46Aa0x7fopXgFsMqAMa6ZtPdBx-ncXn2fIKr-TTZuX0wWg1IpdNWdI8k5DSlepNa22pC8T8RAv0Jt8x6S6LAmILS/s320/IMG_3495%20(2).JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p> <span style="font-family: arial;">It never occurred to me, at any point in my life, that God or Higher Power could love me aside from my behavior. I was raised in a Catholic Christian home where the childhood theology I learned was based in doing all the right things to please God. If I wasn't able to consistently please God, I was heading toward Hell. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">The worst part of this twisted theology was the belief imposed upon me as a child that God loved me when I was good, but that he despised me and turned his back on me when I was bad. If he kept giving me the cold shoulder (mixed with the silent treatment), I was doomed to fail in life. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">As an adult, I've realized that the God my parents taught me was an exact image and reflection of my parents. This God was based in human beliefs, many of them being conservative off the scale. This God had nothing to do with reality. It was the projection of addictive, neurotic thoughts— of a deep seated fear that God's mercy and forgiveness were razor-thin.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Actually, I don't remember hearing my parents ever say "God loves you," much less God loves you just the way you are... "God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or did not do."</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">The God of my parents, and countless other Christians, was based in the fact that many humans find it extremely difficult to love unconditionally. Their love is based on how well people please them. Make one mistake and their (fake) love is withdrawn, at least until we come begging on our hands and knees. Even if we did so, it's not likely they would truly forgive us. They'd say they have forgiven, but when we fail to please them again, we'd always experience them holding our past errors over our heads. It's their opportunity to shame us into doing or being what they want.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">I'm learning to unlearn this twisted theology. There are people who want their hanging judge God, probably because they think their belief in such a god gives them the unlimited right to judge others as harshly as their hearts desire. But I want nothing to do with such a god.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">I'm grateful that God loves me unconditionally because love is who God is. Now, I just have to believe God's love is wonderfully, freely given and learn how to extend my love to include me in a tender and kind way.</span><br /></p>Charlie Wehrleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08092132068039110411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6819209600755082651.post-57079483947679421442022-09-11T14:32:00.003-07:002022-09-11T15:22:33.691-07:00The Devastating Need to Be Perfect<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCrHWpXGlv1_aLgv6TMIL-AxcGGbsmyaJUbuFnUzOdZbzHd73XO90Yp0YAEhv2OYWTw_yuV44cMUncxeT9X9OhLjyGZbop14To8Iqbrqae28A3k0cMCCRlqJgeeJznUeObPzNx66mSjETv98jr9l-YTmzXGnrIVuRs1p31pr5n9WfHtDww6MRFa_a2/s956/x87.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="646" data-original-width="956" height="216" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCrHWpXGlv1_aLgv6TMIL-AxcGGbsmyaJUbuFnUzOdZbzHd73XO90Yp0YAEhv2OYWTw_yuV44cMUncxeT9X9OhLjyGZbop14To8Iqbrqae28A3k0cMCCRlqJgeeJznUeObPzNx66mSjETv98jr9l-YTmzXGnrIVuRs1p31pr5n9WfHtDww6MRFa_a2/s320/x87.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">I've spent my life believing people could only love me if I met certain criteria. I learned from my mother that being liked depended on being perfect. Although I have known for many years that it's impossible to be perfect, it still haunts me and it still controls my behavior subconsciously.<br /></span><p></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Being perfect, according to my mother, included always looking perfect to the outside world. I had to dress preppy-perfect. I had to be thin. I had to keep my hair neatly cut and combed. I had to smell good (To this day, I'm addicted to cologne.) And, of course, my manners and behavior always had to be gentlemanly-- perfect. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">This all began to unravel when I gained a lot of weight in sixth grade. The pressure in our household became greater than I could emotionally tolerate, so I began self-medicating mostly with sugar. As a result, I was on my way toward being unacceptable. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">My mother was not pleased. So, I faced an onslaught of shaming words. By the eighth grade, I was well overweight and completely embarrassed about my body. I knew it had to be "perfect" and I was completely devastated by the catch-22 I was stuck in. I wore wool sweaters-- the only kind I had-- that summer, hoping they'd hide the great shame that my stomach was for me. I even walked around with my arms folded, hoping to hide my shame.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">I eventually lost that extra weight, but I couldn't shake feeling fat inside. To this day, I can't stand feeling overweight or bloated. It's my life-long great shame. I know most people don't see me as overweight, but it's been little consolation.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">I am making headway, though. Recently I was walking around the neighborhood-- holding my stomach in and feeling embarrassed-- when these thoughts came into my head: "Nobody on this earth cares about whether you are thin or not. No one is looking at you and judging you-- except you. So let go. Don't remain a prisoner of your toxic thoughts-- and the toxic expectations your mother fed you."</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKznVKJSLkO9Hj3SqaOsTBoe6Ah4bsyaLRomYZU-mX5JjUCcVuwvVuVY2AMIYFHrifDOScGINKPajeHElUlHvEmq-TFblJ5mgG_zGZyuL1Vx262J75uzIBFaI92mj67u4tx-1skbFMPPWs9MoOa02uYLiwgx9zU_byTSv_X_stfrvc31COJBeprUCQ/s468/Look-eye-to-eye-with-yourself.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="337" data-original-width="468" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKznVKJSLkO9Hj3SqaOsTBoe6Ah4bsyaLRomYZU-mX5JjUCcVuwvVuVY2AMIYFHrifDOScGINKPajeHElUlHvEmq-TFblJ5mgG_zGZyuL1Vx262J75uzIBFaI92mj67u4tx-1skbFMPPWs9MoOa02uYLiwgx9zU_byTSv_X_stfrvc31COJBeprUCQ/s320/Look-eye-to-eye-with-yourself.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><span style="font-family: arial;">Then I thought "The people who are meant to love you, don't-- and won't-- ever care about what you look like. So, let go of the idea that you have to please the world around you to be acceptable, or worthy of love."</span><p></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">These thoughts brought a sense of relief and a smile to my face. Granted, the good feelings I experienced only lasted a day, but I except the fact that deeply ingrained thoughts and feelings aren't going to disappear quickly and forever. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">I have a bloating problem that I struggle with, and I still tend to punish myself by thinking and feeling like I'm defective when the bloat overwhelms me. I'm sure I make the problem worse with my conscious and subconscious negative chatter and fear. So, I'm in the process of trying to be kinder to myself. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">I'm also beginning to face the fact that much of my problem has to do with my tendency to believe that every problem, mistake or imagined personal defect is fatal. I've recently realized how I perceive even the smallest mistake I make as leading to fatal consequences for me. This misconception has made me paranoid, fear-filled and depressed for years. Now, when I make a mistake and feel those fatal feelings, I remind myself that the mistake was not fatal, and that no one is punishing me but me. Then I surrender it to my Higher Power and let go as best as I can.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"> So, now when I'm walking around in public, I tell myself all eyes are not on you. Those that may be, are not criticizing you-- and if the are, I could care less. I don't need to care what anyone else thinks of me. I also tell myself that I am choosing to own my personal power and I will not give it away to anyone else by caring what they think of me. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Today, while walking, I felt super free and comfortable for about an hour-- reminding myself that "I'm owning my power. No one can take it away." On saying those words, a smile came over my face, and my walk turned into a confident strut-- very different from the icy/stony face I usually wear in public while my walk is constricted by fear. Body language says a great deal about how we view our selves, and why we attract narcissistic addicts.<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">My feelings and body language began to slide backwards after that first hour, which was OK. I didn't expect these new found feelings to last much longer. Recovery is step by step, not once and for all. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">The experience of actually owning my own power and feeling good was a great step forward. It was one I have never experienced before, so I'm hope-filled. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">God grant me serenity... </span><br /></p>Charlie Wehrleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08092132068039110411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6819209600755082651.post-18534914399879541752022-09-10T08:43:00.001-07:002022-09-10T08:44:33.071-07:00Sit with the Pain of Being "Me" and Surrender it Through Prayer<p><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-atjgqZWhUSWrFHwoDtKG9U6YpMcijJj9HsNg1h32ImSaqIuxx1Ab21n0Qc4g0WvPbn-S1OSBUzWBCmuYPOCUSXyXkJl8U3365i9SCRvd5KVDSDxEm0XYj1yybey4SCjL-uaNDaFaCKkWtXpGcJ61txei1DqLJpMsHTAr9m_X7wNoe5htc6d0bQv-/s2048/305813695_2635466499922367_1788180857882002898_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="2048" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-atjgqZWhUSWrFHwoDtKG9U6YpMcijJj9HsNg1h32ImSaqIuxx1Ab21n0Qc4g0WvPbn-S1OSBUzWBCmuYPOCUSXyXkJl8U3365i9SCRvd5KVDSDxEm0XYj1yybey4SCjL-uaNDaFaCKkWtXpGcJ61txei1DqLJpMsHTAr9m_X7wNoe5htc6d0bQv-/s320/305813695_2635466499922367_1788180857882002898_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"> It's nice to experience a feeling of "home" in another, like our Higher Power or a close friend. That feeling allows us to move forward in the right direction as we work our recovery program. Feeling at "home," we may have days when we even feel like we are soaring above the clouds of addiction. We feel amazed-- as if we are soon going to feel free. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Then suddenly, we nose dive into the very hell of being "me"-- again. We lose our sense of "home." What happened? Everything seemed so much better yesterday. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">It's at this point that we realize there are still hidden places inside of us that are crying-- maybe screaming-- for healing. They are keeping us trapped. We suddenly feel like we can no longer embrace our new found joy of allowing "me to be me."<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Yesterday's happiness and hopefulness suddenly drain out of our hearts. Our souls deflate. We feel like we are never going to get past this hurt. How many other hidden wounds are we going to have to face? Are we ever going to reach the finish line of authentic acceptance of ourselves? How many more times are we going to be fooled into believing we are healed, when we are not?</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">We'd like honest, obvious answers from our Higher Power, ones that give our souls hope. But there is only silence. We feel so alone as the pain of being "me" rushes over us. We think about people we encounter each day. They seem to live in emotional freedom, in a parallel universe that authenticates their place in this world. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">And here we are, sitting with our anxiety, existing in the world that we have known for so long-- the world of our negative thoughts, fears, self-hatred, and addiction that constantly spins around in our heads. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">To makes matters worse, we may choose to deny our legitimate right to be happy in the real world. It's easy to feel like a phony, as if we have no right to fool the world into believing we belong. So, we sit with the bad feelings of being a "fraud."<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">When days like this happened, it seems best to sit with our feelings. Allow the hurt to continue to bubble-up and wash over us. Once we've faced the pain-- without sugar or shopping or alcohol-- we may be clear-headed enough to connect with our Higher Power on a deeper level through one-on-one prayer:</span></p><p><i><span style="font-family: arial;">Higher Power, I feel like an abandoned child again, like the one my parents didn't know how to love. I feel the pressure of the demands they placed on me to be what they wanted. I feel the devastating hurt of their inability to accept me as I am. I feel the pain of losing my self worth, self esteem, self knowledge and self love. They disappeared down a drain as all of my true self was scrubbed away from me by their lack of acceptance, their inability to hold me, hug me, love me.</span></i></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><i>I need help, Higher Power. This pain, which I thought was healed, is poisoning the life out of me. I want to stop hating myself. I want to look in the mirror and love what I see. I want to relax into the comfort of my own skin as I love me from inside out. I want the rhythm of my life to be filled with love and purpose. I want to be happy being me. I want to rejoice in sharing the real me with the rest of the world. </i></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"><i>Please help me to heal the "broken me" so that the "authentic me" can rejoice in the love of life I have always desired. Amen.</i><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span><br /></p>Charlie Wehrleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08092132068039110411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6819209600755082651.post-5991248143199041892022-09-09T16:00:00.002-07:002022-09-09T16:00:18.586-07:00Love Me Into Loving Myself<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWGBRDR9_Gqwr8o5aF9hgji6HJTChjHnhQ771qwpHz60AyCF-_xHCAuzHZZvwtrVnQedu138RrXrkfsoD40vSaTkLlfEsKRMjdn5RwyU1oepoeqbXgF0t5HT5Y6Do0OpcDH21_a0xquxSV9V06boQhHWM9XJrkrpMJQBc44yHNTAesqUFVX1S-mPpL/s694/087.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="464" data-original-width="694" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWGBRDR9_Gqwr8o5aF9hgji6HJTChjHnhQ771qwpHz60AyCF-_xHCAuzHZZvwtrVnQedu138RrXrkfsoD40vSaTkLlfEsKRMjdn5RwyU1oepoeqbXgF0t5HT5Y6Do0OpcDH21_a0xquxSV9V06boQhHWM9XJrkrpMJQBc44yHNTAesqUFVX1S-mPpL/s320/087.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /> <span style="font-family: arial;"> <br /></span><p></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">All throughout recovery, I've believed than no one can love me into loving myself. It seemed simple. If I don't love me, I'll never believe someone else truly loves me. That was certainly true when I was in the grips of my codependency gone wild-- before recovery. It was true because I always chose friends and lovers who were as addictively messed up as I was. No one who said "I love you" in those days was actually capable of loving anyone.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">So, when I tried to get one of these persons t love me into loving myself, I was asking for the impossible. They didn't have the love to give me anymore than I had the love to give them. So we failed miserably-- and so did each of those relationships.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"> Today it all seems very different. I actually do have friends who say they love me and they are able to prove they do through their behavior toward me. Likewise, I am better able to show them that I do love and value them, in ways I never could have before recovery.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">In many ways, I think that the sincere honesty and love of these friends have helped me to love myself in small steps. They may be small but they are all in the right direction. As a result, I'm no longer terrified to open up and reveal who I am.It feels safe. And I definitely want to have authentic, life-giving relationships.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">So, can someone love us into loving ourselves? I think it is possible that they can help us, but we have to be willing to move beyond our comfort zones and accept the love they offer to us. In addition, we have to be willing to do our part-- which means we must really work toward accepting and loving ourselves unconditionally. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Ultimately, the only way another person can help us to love ourselves is if they are mentally, emotionally and spiritually healthy. If they aren't, they will be incapable of loving us authentically because they will have no more to offer us than we would have to offer them if we weren't in recovery. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Nurturing love inside ourselves and each other requires us both to becoming from healthy places within ourselves. It may seem difficult at first but as long as we have our recovery community and our Higher Power to help us, we can accomplish<br /> healthy loving relationships that will last a lifetime.<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span><br /></p>Charlie Wehrleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08092132068039110411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6819209600755082651.post-49796790165468750902022-09-08T14:53:00.001-07:002022-09-08T14:53:44.636-07:00Taming Mr./Ms. Hyde<p> <span style="font-family: arial;">Each of us has a Mr. or Ms. Hyde deep inside of us. We are all too familiar with the sound of his/her voice. It's that nasty little voice that keeps telling us how worthless and inferior we are. It's the voice that persuades us to compare ourselves to everyone around us and then brutally lies to us as it screams "You are such a loser! Look how inferior you are to everyone else. You're ugly! You're overweight! You're so stupid! No one will ever love you! etc."</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">I have listened to and accepted the lies of my Mr. Hyde for countless years. But no more. I've identified that wicked voice in my head. I know now that it's Mr. Hyde and I no longer believe the lies he spits at me. My current motto is "Bye-bye, Mr. Hyde." Every time his voice attempts to interrupt my thoughts, I interrupt his garbage with "Bye-bye, Mr. Hyde. I have no use for you." And then I laugh at him. He's the pathetic one, not me.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">In other words, I'm learning to own my power against Mr. Hyde. I no longer instantly surrender to his voice and allow his words to be my reality. I have stopped allowing the fears he unearthed to control me. So, I have stopped projecting bad thoughts about myself onto other people. The people I encounter everyday are no longer enemies created by Hyde. In truth, no one was ever my enemy as much as I was while I was believing Hyde's lies.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Now, I can walk down the street, or through a mall filled with people and feel freer than I've ever felt in my life. My attention is on the reality outside of me, and no longer on all the fears inside of me that I turned into false realities by projecting them onto the glances or unhappy expressions of others. No longer am I the victim of myself or others-- or Hyde.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"> This doesn't mean all is perfect. I'm trying to eradicate Hyde. I don't know if that's possible. We all have a dark side to balance our light side. Hyde is definitely part of the dark side in terms of my thought patterns. But those patterns can be broken. We don't have to be the helpless victims of them. Thoughts are only thoughts. We aren't required to accept them as our personal truth. We can reject any thoughts that fail to serve our purpose of being happy, mentally and emotionally healthy people.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">There is no one on earth who doesn't have a Mr./Ms. Hyde inside of them. And we all slip up at times and allow our Hyde to make us negative, rude or even nasty toward ourselves and others. The difference between those of us who are codependent and those of us who are not is probably the reality that codependents run with the negative "Hydian" thoughts uncontrollably intent on hurting ourselves. I don't think many non-addicts put themselves through such misery-- or at least not near as consistently as we do.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Tired of accepting the Hyde inside of you. Learn to take your personal power over your thoughts back from him/her. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">I'm planning to created a retreat based on the idea of "Taming Hyde." Everyone of us needs to learn how. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAYmAZwLhZqKSCq-7T762wjbguy0lOUh0acQhUAQYOpz5WMNFDl1TTGx7O1Ys5Rz1T1fqAHUZr1NydGy5iC4NVH34KRTaeV3w-7DdDY3IaIaFpktAXaLIkUrudBj8bjK7tCOohWb-0kv-0-tH9jiyOfAdaPlQV0EVe9QPErlxHv3LX6_IKduD8f0-r/s2100/My%20project-1%20(52).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2100" data-original-width="1500" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAYmAZwLhZqKSCq-7T762wjbguy0lOUh0acQhUAQYOpz5WMNFDl1TTGx7O1Ys5Rz1T1fqAHUZr1NydGy5iC4NVH34KRTaeV3w-7DdDY3IaIaFpktAXaLIkUrudBj8bjK7tCOohWb-0kv-0-tH9jiyOfAdaPlQV0EVe9QPErlxHv3LX6_IKduD8f0-r/s320/My%20project-1%20(52).jpg" width="229" /></a></div><br /> <br /><p></p>Charlie Wehrleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08092132068039110411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6819209600755082651.post-14020358583655674042022-09-06T10:06:00.000-07:002022-09-06T10:06:03.569-07:00Sitting with Our Fears<p> <span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span class="gvxzyvdx aeinzg81 t7p7dqev gh25dzvf exr7barw b6ax4al1 gem102v4 ncib64c9 mrvwc6qr sx8pxkcf f597kf1v cpcgwwas m2nijcs8 hxfwr5lz k1z55t6l oog5qr5w tes86rjd pbevjfx6 ztn2w49o" dir="auto"></span></span></span></p><div class="l7ghb35v kjdc1dyq kmwttqpk gh25dzvf jikcssrz n3t5jt4f"><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;"><span style="font-size: small;">Sometimes people are too afraid to live their dreams. This is especially true for codependents. </span></div><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></div></div><div class="l7ghb35v kjdc1dyq kmwttqpk gh25dzvf jikcssrz n3t5jt4f"><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmEp9hAhGabGAOnp9NRKEchVN5MwWOKx3H-iWUOvzMMe5gigxQJjyauo6xivvE3H0nTJsRVagZwfaVRFufp1sVtBCCEZB1akMuSEEBnCEwVYTGwWzCfCUMfzfqXAtrx_oc57m-xcRIgeuW_AMiFsC52flfzFNQPHhLcVqUnvpGKmc160D8HAucTO45/s959/960x0.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="959" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmEp9hAhGabGAOnp9NRKEchVN5MwWOKx3H-iWUOvzMMe5gigxQJjyauo6xivvE3H0nTJsRVagZwfaVRFufp1sVtBCCEZB1akMuSEEBnCEwVYTGwWzCfCUMfzfqXAtrx_oc57m-xcRIgeuW_AMiFsC52flfzFNQPHhLcVqUnvpGKmc160D8HAucTO45/s320/960x0.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: small;">So many of us, who suffer from addictive thinking, have never lived a day in our lives. Oh, we often think we are living. But we are not. We have been in a constant state of existence, trapped by our fears and addictions, which often force us to emotionally medicate ALONE. </span></div><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></div><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;"><span style="font-size: small;">It's not until the endless pain of being alone grows so strong that we can't tolerate it anymore that we finally hit bottom. As we wake up to the truth, we are finally able to see outside the prison of our minds. And we see a big world all around us that we've never known because we were anxiously running from it. We then realize we've spent our entire life simply <span></span>existing.</span></div><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></div></div><div class="l7ghb35v kjdc1dyq kmwttqpk gh25dzvf jikcssrz n3t5jt4f"><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;"><span style="font-size: small;">It's been easy for some of us to exist in our fears. These fears were often planted by authoritative, addictive parents. They imposed who they were-- their beliefs, their lies, their paranoia and their poor self-love-- onto us. </span></div><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></div><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNiyPX4J3OmleF1QjXdbVxIJIzQBAc0xC1HWhtMPJzfVoXOS3ZEkQMO60JayPNPudquuapVKvbjnQ7EUYVduWVNGp8PwtTNpLjEiIFllWMj2nPfGZAvMw7RN5ME0UUf4xfLzIyE37XJMR4ZNtTfS2sGPej7OnxO-HWagExoZRxxTI35DWSBJKlWMYc/s650/mature-student-sitting-bench-istock-1230330037.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="650" data-original-width="450" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNiyPX4J3OmleF1QjXdbVxIJIzQBAc0xC1HWhtMPJzfVoXOS3ZEkQMO60JayPNPudquuapVKvbjnQ7EUYVduWVNGp8PwtTNpLjEiIFllWMj2nPfGZAvMw7RN5ME0UUf4xfLzIyE37XJMR4ZNtTfS2sGPej7OnxO-HWagExoZRxxTI35DWSBJKlWMYc/s320/mature-student-sitting-bench-istock-1230330037.jpg" width="222" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: small;">We learned to over-think everything, just as our parents did. We learned to like what they found acceptable. And to dislike what they found objectionable. We also learned to always be on-guard for what could go wrong at any moment. So, we started living in "fight or flight" mode, never feeling safe in any environment.</span></div><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></div><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;"><span style="font-size: small;">The only way out of our fear-filled existence is to walk through the fire of our fears. We do that by sitting with our bad feelings. Makes no difference if we are at home, at the office, or riding the subway. If we are feeling uncomfortable around other people, we need to own that discomfort. We must feel it until it lightens up and begins to subside. It's then that we are able to claim our victory over the past. </span></div><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;"><span style="font-size: small;">Little by little, as we sit with our fears, we will grow past them and we will reclaim our personal power over our lives-- the very power that we had surrendered long ago to parents, society, church, etc. </span></div><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></div><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;"><span style="font-size: small;">We will start feeling good enough in our skin. Of course, we will face setbacks. If someone hits upon a sore spot in our hearts, it will trigger negative thoughts and feelings that haven't been healed. To heal them, we just have to practice sitting with them till they vanquish. In doing so, we will regain our emotional balance, and we will be able to pick ourselves up and move forward to "living" our lives.<br /></span></div><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></div></div><div class="l7ghb35v kjdc1dyq kmwttqpk gh25dzvf jikcssrz n3t5jt4f"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /><br /><br /><div dir="auto" style="text-align: start;"><br /></div></span></div><p></p>Charlie Wehrleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08092132068039110411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6819209600755082651.post-16439681778481071672022-01-17T07:27:00.000-08:002022-01-17T07:27:12.210-08:00Are You Good for Your Mental Health?<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjD1dyvQCbMEr_5NCgkqaKJaBIY__8ztYg3P-ZczIAN_f9kHRrYbsTkCGgP71e2gUnCixADWvw56Uqc4aa3VmzOF_k7BnJi1cmaGCydjecnZXB4q7C-T-WwZZRSeiODZ3ha-x7HT0_NccYcGjI_IzyyqSwyP_NLFrA0G_9_mU2zB5i6hPF4Ovarq3uw=s960" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="960" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjD1dyvQCbMEr_5NCgkqaKJaBIY__8ztYg3P-ZczIAN_f9kHRrYbsTkCGgP71e2gUnCixADWvw56Uqc4aa3VmzOF_k7BnJi1cmaGCydjecnZXB4q7C-T-WwZZRSeiODZ3ha-x7HT0_NccYcGjI_IzyyqSwyP_NLFrA0G_9_mU2zB5i6hPF4Ovarq3uw=s320" width="320" /></a></div><p></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">If you are an "overthinker" like I am, you know how difficult it is to be someone who is actually good for your own mental health. I tell myself repeatedly that no one makes me miserable but ME. And all of that internal misery comes from thoughts that are mostly negative assumptions about how others view me or think of me. Much of my grief is also caused by the way I so easily project my own negative self-thoughts onto others. It's too easy to believe that others see me the same way I do-- even though there's no evidence that this is true.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">In fact, the evidence is just the opposite. I can spend a morning ruminating over the idea that a particular person thinks I'm a worthless shit, only to have that person approach me with a warm hug and compliment! Immediately, I'm aware of the fact that I have been committing self-abuse with my thoughts. I've been wasting precious time being afraid and miserable when I could have been content and happy because NOTHING was actually wrong-- outside of my head.<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">It's easy to understand that we have too often been our own worst enemies thanks to our sometimes perpetual "stinking thinking." It's not so easy to correct it.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">I have started catching myself when negative thoughts arise and telling myself "No judgments (against yourself)" or "Mistakes aren't fatal. They're learning experiences." Or I simply say to myself "I'm not going there today" when negative thoughts emerge. This is most effective if I do it right away, while the thoughts are surfacing. It's much easier to immediately dismiss them than it is if I allow the thoughts to snowball.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">I've also learned that it's easier to stay in the present moment-- and out of my head-- if I surround myself with a few people. This isn't always easy because I'm an introvert and have a natural need for "me" time, but engaging with others forces me out of my head. So does going for a walk. When I walk, I concentrate on observing everything around me and that takes me out of my negative overthinking and into appreciation for all the wonderment around me.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"> The solutions for quieting our minds aren't so difficult. Call a friend, get away from our desk at the office and speak with a coworker for a few minutes, go for an easy, enjoyable walk, accept an invitation from someone we feel safe being with. The hard part is making room in our heads for these positive self-help routines. The negative thoughts are usually crowding out positive alternatives in my head. Knowing this is true, I have to work harder to recognize when I'm being paralyzed by negative thoughts when I don't have to be. I can own my power over my thinking by engaging in any of the above solutions. I do want to be GOOD for my mental health.<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span><br /></p>Charlie Wehrleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08092132068039110411noreply@blogger.com0