Soulshine

“For gracious and merciful is he, Slow in anger, rich in kindness, And relenting in punishment.” Book of Joel , Chapter 2 Many of us, as codependents, enter recovery bitter and angry. We feel like we have been used and abused by so many people, and these negative feelings make it hard for us to fathom working Step 4 of the 12 Steps. So we are sometimes inclined to practice self-righteousness instead of practicing mercy. When we enter this self-righteous mode we are quick to point out how everyone else in our lives sinned against us, abused us and abandoned us, and we subconsciously use are self-righteousness to hide our own sins and character defects. We become blind to them all. I know I did. The first time I looked at Step 4, I thought to myself “what did I ever do wrong? I’m not the abuser. I’m the abused.” At that point in recovery, it didn’t occur to me that I had been secretive, manipulative and controlling. Nor did it occur to me that I had lied, spied and done w

Sometimes the aching inside is so intense that it feels like I’m drowning in sadness and despair. In that moment, I realize there’s a dagger inside that has been shredding my heart and bleeding my soul for countless years. And that dagger is a childhood experience of having my self-worth destroyed by an adult. The dagger twists relentlessly inside of me. It feels like there’s no hope. There’s nothing left to cling to, not even God. Everything has failed me. I’m gasping for inner-air, but there is none. I cry to God one more time, but I’m getting tired of this. “What is this feeling tied to?” I scream. “What happened that so destroyed my soul? I don’t remember. Help me to know what it is and to heal it!!!” Silence. I feel some relief from having expressed my feelings out-loud. But the overwhelming sadness is still haunting me. The past fades to black and I’m ready to give up on tomorrow. Still, I go about preparing for my day, knowing that if I allow these horrible feelings to