Soulshine

Codependents primarily hurt others through the codependent’s insatiable need to control other people’s lives. A codependent thinks that someone else, aside from themselves, should be responsible for the codependent’s happiness. The primary means of control for a codependent is manipulation of the other person. Manipulation can take on many faces, like people-pleasing, caretaking, shaming, withdrawal of affection, or using guilt. Sometimes codependents control others by using phrases like “I’m only doing this for your own good,” which actually means “I’m only doing this for MY own good.” Or “If you really loved me, you’d do this or that for me,” which actually translates into “If I really loved myself, I’d do this or that for myself, instead of trying to manipulate you into being responsible for MY happiness.” The codependent person is an emotionally hurting person. And it’s really true that hurting people hurt other people; often times without realizing that they are doing so.

Functional communication is essential to every relationship. I grew up in an alcoholic household where we never really learned to communicate with each other. It wasn't OK for me, as a child or a teenager, to speak my own truth, have my own opinions or voice anything unless it echoed my parents. I also learned to make assumptions instead of inquiries. For example, someone in the family aimed a comment toward me, and instead of learning to ask "What did you mean by that?", I learned to assume they meant the worst and to quietly take it shame-faced on the chin. I also learned to have unrealistic expectations of others without voicing them. People were supposed to somehow know (mind reading?) that I had these expectations, and when or if they didn't live up to my expectations, I learned to give them the cold shoulder, or silent treatment. There was no possible hope of actually understanding anyone in my family, much less coming to positive terms over our mi

Here is a recent photo of me at Disneyland, talking with Captain America. In the United States, we have had a longtime fascination with Super Heroes. In many ways, I think these heroes have become representations of the God (Higher Power) that none of us can visually see.  Many people claim to live by faith in a God, or Higher Power that they cannot visually see or verbally talk with in their daily lives. We, as recovering addicts, claim that we believe in a "Power greater than ourselves who can restore us to sanity." And yet we often want that Higher Power to rescue or save us from ourselves and all of the chaos in our lives. And we want that without having to do our part in making our lives manageable. Certainly, as a recovering codependent, I always looked to someone, some other person, to be my savior, or Higher Power. I wanted that person to be my Captain America, or Thor, or Wonder Woman. I wanted someone tangible that I could talk to, touch, hear and in

There may be two types of pain in this world: the type that hurts and the type that changes, but I don't think it's possible to separate the two and be mentally, emotionally and spiritually healthy. When someone betrays us, says ugly things to us, or treats us as if we don't count in this world, we experience emotional pain. Of course, these are just a few of the ways in which we may experience emotional pain. But the important lesson I've learned recently lies in what we do with that hurt. We can 1) allow it to fester into anger, resentment and bitterness. We can become the perpetual victim of another person. Or we can 2) allow ourselves to grow through that hurt and suffering. We can face all of the emotional pain it has caused and we can be transformed within by facing that pain, surrendering it to our Higher Power, talking about it  with trusted individuals and allowing ourselves to be taken to a higher spiritual level. If we choose the first option,

In the United States, today is considered Thanksgiving Day. This day is set aside every year as a day to reflect on our lives and to realize all that we have to be grateful for, and then to offer thanksgiving to God, or our Higher Power, and to the people who have blessed our lives. Often when we think about the people who have blessed our lives, we are only grateful for those people who have blessed us with enlightenment, happiness or genuine caring. On this Thanksgiving Day, I choose to also be grateful for the people who, over the past year, have taught me very difficult, pain-filled lessons. These lessons are sometimes our greatest blessings in disguise.  This is especially true if we have hurt or been hurt by someone we truly love deeply. Over the course of the past year, I realize today that some of the people I have loved the most, and have dedicated the most attention and caring toward, have hurt me the most during 2017. But, I also acknowledge that every rela

There are times when I catch myself renting out too much space in my mind to my disappointment and hurt concerning another person. It's necessary to grieve when we have been rejected, deceived or hurt by someone. We need to allow the various healing feelings (from betrayal, to a sense of loss, to hurt, to anger, to sadness) to work their ways through us so we can reach a point of attaining wisdom from what happened, acceptance of what happened, the ability to forgive what happened and move on with life. Proper grieving requires that we seek help. We need to be able to talk with trusted persons  (including therapists) about our disappointment and hurt, and we need to be able to surrender the entire situation to our Higher Power. We may also need to have a conciliatory talk with the person who hurt us and attempt to work-out our differences, or at least bring the relationship to proper closure.  Once we've reached a place of being at peace with what happened, we shou

As a recovering codependent, I’ve begun to notice the difference between people who love you for who you are and people who love you for what you do for them. Truth is we shouldn’t have to do anything to be loved by another person, aside from simply being our true selves. Whenever we feel the need to change ourselves, or to do things to please another person, we are witnessing red flags. If we notice ourselves giving up the things we really love, and taking on the interests of someone we are attracted to, this is a major red flag. These red flags have an important message for us: We have re-engaged in addictive attraction to a person who is not healthy for us. Something about this person is subconsciously reminding us of our mother or father, or some other toxic person from our past. And we are feeling the same need to please this new person that we experienced when our parents or other significant adults insisted we do the same for them when we were children. We are jumping t

Anyone who suffers from fear of abandonment doesn't even have to understand all of the lyrics to this song by Majid Jordan, "Gave Your Love Away." We can hear the chorus, feel the pain in the melody and feel the pain that it matches in our hearts. Most codependents I know, and probably a majority of addicts, suffer from fear of abandonment. Some of us were emotionally abandoned as children, and some of us were both emotionally and physically abandoned as children by significant adults in our lives-- namely our parents, or caregivers. Since that time, every relationship we have attempted to build with significant others has been subconsciously haunted by our deeply wounded inner-child; the one who suffers daily from fear of abandonment. This is one of the reasons why many of us people-please, care-take or put up with abuse from others: We are too subconsciously fearful of losing the toxic people we are now attracted to who remind us on a deep subconscious le

Many codependent relationships are built on the shaky ground of people-pleasing. We codependents find it hard to say "No" to people because we are so anxious about winning, or earning, their love and appreciation. People-pleasing often leads us into care-taking others, or doing for them what they should be doing for themselves. We start living the other person's life, instead of living our own life. I first learned the power of saying "No" back in 1998. A friend, who I was blindly people-pleasing and care-taking, finally made a fatal mistake. He had asked me to pick him up at the airport, missed his flight, and failed to call me and notify me. So I showed up at the airport to be his chauffeur, only to learn from an airline rep that he had missed his flight and was scheduled to return to Chicago on the next available flight.  Suddenly, the codependent scales fell off my eyes and I realized that I had been taking care of all of his issues, bending ov

I was raised by a mother who married my father to "complete" herself. She thought of marriage as a partnership where two halves became a whole. She knew my father wasn't the perfect half to complete her, but she believed she could love (or actually manipulate) him enough to make her feel happy and complete. Growing up-- and even to this day-- I can't begin to count the number of married people who introduced their spouses to me as "my better half." Most of these married people have been Baby-Boomers or older. I don't hear that cliched phrase as much from Generation X or Millennials, but that doesn't mean that the same subconscious belief isn't still present. There are plenty of younger people today who still feel empty inside and who think that some other person, in particular a lover or lifetime partner, is waiting in the wings to sweep them off their feet and fill-up their empty love tank-- perpetually. Unfortunately, this never

Dear Higher Power, Thank you for granting me awareness. I AM NOT A VICTIM! I am not a victim of my parents. I am not a victim of my family. I am not a victim of past or current relationships. I am not a victim of my employer or coworkers. I am not a victim of twisted religious teachings. I am not a victim of the world, or "friends" or life. I am only a victim of my own self-destructive thoughts. I have shot myself through the soul with my own negative thinking. I own the fact that I have done a poor job of guarding my thoughts. I have allowed negative overthinking to devour my self-love. I have allowed constant self-criticism to poison my heart and soul. And I have consistently projected my own negative thoughts about myself onto others, often falsely accusing them of victimizing me. With all humility, I acknowledge that no one has victimized me more than I have victimized myself.  I have daily destroyed myself with my victim-mentality. Today, I ask Y

No one is born with poor self-love, lack of self-esteem or feeling worthless. We are created to love ourselves and to eventually grow to understand our worth and purpose in life. We all come into this world naturally loving and feeling good about ourselves. Have you ever seen an infant look at itself in a mirror for the first time? They experience amazement and joy. But as that infant grows into being a toddler, he/she develops an inner-voice. That inner-voice is generally created by our parents. We hear what they say to and about us.  People who grew up in functional households heard affirming comments from their parents, like “You’re my angel,” “You are so beautiful,” or “You are a joy.” As a result, such children developed a healthy inner-voice. But not all of us were that fortunate. In addictive households, when we heard “You’re so stupid, “ or “You’re going to be an ugly duckling like your father’s sisters,” our inner-voices were skewed. We internalized these negativ

People who enter Recovery programs for codependency, or any other addictive behavior, don't appreciate their own self-worth. Rarely, do they even understand that their primary problem is lack of self-love. The average person who enters Recovery is usually still trapped in the idea that there's really something wrong with other people in their lives. We think that those persons need to change because we are in denial to the fact that we are the one who really needs to change. And when many of us enter Recovery, we are rarely aware of the fact that for years we have been prisoners to our past, and the self-defeating behaviors that the past still continually imposes upon us. Replacing denial with honest, humble awareness is the first step toward turning our lives around. We enter Recovery needing to realize that we are the broken person, that our radar for choosing good friends and partners is seriously damaged, and that this is why we have a history of all of our

Growing up, I attended Catholic grade school and high schools. In those schools I was verbally taught the words of Jesus Christ, "Turn the other cheek;" meaning when someone is cruel to you, return their cruelness with kindness. These were the words I was taught, but this was NOT the behavior that I witnessed. The behavior I witnessed from adult Catholics/Christians was "an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth." I witnessed those same people who were saying "turn the other cheek" choosing instead to return evil for evil when push came to shove-- to seek revenge instead of reconciliation. For many years, I followed their example because their words were worthless. Recovery has taught me that my word and my behavior must parallel each other. As a Christian, I now choose to "turn the other cheek" when people are cruel or unkind to me. Why? Because I know who I am now. And being cruel in return is not the real me. An eye for an eye is

In the USA, everyone seems to want EVERYTHING to be EASY. We want what we want and we want it NOW! Recovery from any addiction is never easy, nor is it instantaneous. Recovery is a lifetime process of unlearning old dysfunctional patterns of thinking and acting and replacing them with new healthy ones. It takes a lifetime of practice and daily effort. It takes conscious contact with a Higher Power. It takes great  self-awareness. And it takes the ability to always be willing to change for the better by setting proper boundaries and living the 12 Steps. It also requires that we accept help from others. It always makes me sad when I encounter people who deep inside don’t believe they are worth the effort, or time it takes to learn to love themselves and turn their lives around for the better. Many people start Recovery programs, but few truly stick with them. Few choose self-growth. It’s just so much easier for some people to stay stuck in old dysfunctional patterns of behavio

During my Recovery, I’ve learned a great deal from Don Miguel Ruiz and his book “The Four Agreements.” Ruiz says, basically, if we live by these four standards, or agreements, we will be reasonably happy in this life: 1) Be impeccable or truthful with your words; 2) Never take anything personally. Other people’s behavior is about them, not you; 3) Never make assumptions (and I include expectations as well); and 4) Simply do your best. Learning to never take anything personally has been a life saver for me during Recovery. I used to make everything negative anyone else said or did about me. And, as a result, I made myself feel victimized or hurt, when the other person’s behavior had nothing to do with me. It was all about them and whatever difficulties they were poorly coping with at the moment. I don’t take things personally anymore. My behavior is about me and where I’m at mentally/emotionally/spiritually/physically, and other people’s behavior is theirs to own— not mine. Nev

I love this quote! When we look at ourselves in the mirror, this is who we need to see: We need to acknowledge our strength and courage. We’ve made it this far in life; and many of us have done so against extreme odds. Yes, we have our hesitations and fears. It’s hard to take risks and expand beyond our comfort zones, but we’ve learned to take those chances through entering Recovery programs. Addicts strive just as hard to love others as they strive to treat themselves as unlovable people, oddly enough. The problem is that, before Recovery, we don’t know that the “love” we are feeling for others (and often smothering them with) isn’t really love. It’s addictive attraction and emotional neediness. Real love expects nothing in return. False love is offered to others when we want them to love us back. The difference is in our motivation. Are we loving someone for their sake, or because we want them to rescue us by reciprocating? The harder we work our recovery programs, the more

“Real Love is opening your heart to the unlovable.” And who is the first “unlovable” person we need to open our hearts to? Ourselves. This is what Recovery is all about: Learning to love ourselves so we can love our Higher Power and our neighbor (everyone else in this world.) Once we are able to love the formerly unlovable us, it’s easier to love the God who created us. It’s easier to be grateful for our lives. And it’s easier to love family, friends and everyone who acts less than lovable. Real love helps us to see beyond everyone’s brokenness so we can love the beautiful person underneath that brokenness. But it has to start with loving ourselves beyond our brokenness; by seeing the real beauty inside of us. Real gratitude is always about being thankful for the goodness in our lives, even when we’re in the middle of a terrible personal or emotional storm. It’s keeping our focus on the positive while encountering the negative. Real generosity is giving to others even when w

Every day I’m choosing to focus on positive thoughts. I grew up trained to focus on the negative thoughts that flooded my head. This constant flood of negativity was heightened by my having Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). My mother was a fear-filled person who also suffered from OCD. She worried about everything and taught me that life is primarily dangerous and that people are never to be trusted. It’s taken many years to reverse these old dysfunctional ways of thinking, but I’m doing so one day at a time. I’ve learned that every positive thought truly is a silent prayer of appreciation and gratitude for all that is good about me— and life. Today, practice sending up positive thoughts (prayers) to your Higher Power, in appreciation for yourself, all that is good about you and all that is beautiful about being alive— about life and love!

One of the most dysfunctional problems for those of us who grew up in addictive households is facing emotional pain. Many of us were not allowed to have feelings as children. And so many of us entered Recovery programs unaware of how emotionally shut-down we were. When we learned we needed to feel and face our emotions to get healthy, we were terrified. But this is one of the greatest gifts we receive when we attend our meetings: We are given the chance to speak up, release our pain and spit-out all of our pent-up emotional poison. More and more I witness people crying during meetings as they speak. It’s hard to watch someone cry as I hear the sadness that’s consuming their hearts, but it’s also reassuring because I know that these people are starting the healing process. Sadness, accompanied by tears, is the healing feeling. Some people don’t like to speak during 12 Step meetings, but it’s important for us to speak up, tell our stories and own our truth and our feelings abo