Are We Projecting Our Insecurities Onto What Others Say or Do?

During my Recovery, I’ve learned a great deal from Don Miguel Ruiz and his book “The Four Agreements.” Ruiz says, basically, if we live by these four standards, or agreements, we will be reasonably happy in this life: 1) Be impeccable or truthful with your words; 2) Never take anything personally. Other people’s behavior is about them, not you; 3) Never make assumptions (and I include expectations as well); and 4) Simply do your best.

Learning to never take anything personally has been a life saver for me during Recovery. I used to make everything negative anyone else said or did about me. And, as a result, I made myself feel victimized or hurt, when the other person’s behavior had nothing to do with me. It was all about them and whatever difficulties they were poorly coping with at the moment. I don’t take things personally anymore. My behavior is about me and where I’m at mentally/emotionally/spiritually/physically, and other people’s behavior is theirs to own— not mine.

Never making assumptions and allowing myself to have reasonable expectations has also been a life-enhancing experience. We frequently make assumptions about what other people say or do and about why they say or do it. Most of these assumptions we make our negative toward us. In our heads, we create chaos out of nothing by making assumptions. Assumptions are NOT facts. They’re twisted theories.

Three people can be having a conversation and all three can be hearing totally different things when someone else is speaking. Even when we text other people, they often project their feelings onto our words and totally misinterpret them. Someone said to me recently “I didn’t like the tone of your text.” I said “What tone? You can only hear ‘tone’ in someone’s voice when they verbally speak to you. How can you hear tone in a text? You must have projected something you were feeling onto my words.” He thought for a moment and said “You’re right.”

It’s true that we see and hear what we want to see and hear, and it’s all based in how we are feeling about ourselves. If we feel inferior or insecure, we will project these feelings and the thoughts that accompany them onto others, their words and actions.

Next time we place a negative spin on what someone else says or does, we need to question ourselves by asking “What else could they have meant by that?” We also need to question what insecurities we may be projecting onto the other person’s words or actions. And it wouldn’t hurt, to be perfectly clear abou things, if we simply asked them “What did you mean when you said or did that?” This is healthy behavior. No more taking anything personally or making assumptions.