Soulshine

If you’ve been looking in your mirror recently and better understanding where Dr. Jekyll meets Mr./Ms. Hide within you, then you may want to start thinking in terms of positive spiritual principles versus negative spiritual principles. The Dr. Jekyll side of you operates out of higher, positive spiritual principles, like love, empathy, compassion and forgiveness. Conversely, the Mr./Ms. Hyde side of you operates out of primal, negative spiritual principles, like fear, hate, envy and resentment. It’s very easy to operate from the gut-level of negative spiritual principles. When someone cuts us off in traffic, there are few of us who have the immediate, natural reaction to bless the person in the other car. Instead, our animal instinct (which is governed by negative spiritual principles) kicks-in and we immediately swear and flip the bird his or her way. By reacting from our gut animal level, however, we give our peace of mind and our integrity away to the person who cut us off. W

“Daddy said that I'm a good boy, ’cause I always did his will, but I can't remember. Was it me? How did I feel? I call 'em family, but in the heart of hearts I know there's something wrong with me, what can I do? Mother said that I'm a good girl, I was always dressed to kill, but I can't remember. Was it me? How did I feel?” And One, Sometimes Parenting is a sacred honor. And yet, very few people in this world are properly prepared to become parents. Certainly in the United States there is no certification, no degree, no nothing that’s required before a person can become a parent. I’m not aware of any other “job” that requires no preparation in the eyes of society. So it’s my guess that the vast majority of parents are totally under-prepared for the great responsibility that faces them when they have their first baby. This explains why—at least to some extent—that the average family is dysfunctional on some level. We are all the end result of our

Everyday Dr. Jekyll meets Mr./Ms. Hyde in your mirror. Many of us don’t like to admit this fact. We prefer to look at other people and see the Mr./Ms. Hyde in them, but we almost never consciously see it in ourselves—even when we don’t like ourselves very well. Over the past few years, I’ve had a problem with a certain Mr. Hyde. He was blustery and a natural born bully. He bullied me and I allowed it, for the most part. Bullying happens in many ways. It’s not just a matter of someone using physical strength against their victims, nor is it just a matter of verbal abuse. We can also bully others through the silent treatment, or by discounting what they say. We can act arrogant as if everything they think or say is trivial, stupid or just out and out wrong. This is also bullying. Of course, I thought I was absolutely nothing like the Mr. Hyde I was having problems with. I’m not a natural born bully. I’m not physically the size of what we would normally consider to be a bully.

“Yes, he had the power to abuse me, but he doesn’t have the power to make me a victim.” Craig Nakken, Finding Your Moral Compass Everyone has been abused someway, somehow. But there’s a difference between being abused and being a victim. If someone had the power to abuse us, we were certainly victimized. But we didn’t become victims unless we chose to do so. People who become victims choose to lay down before others and become their doormats. In other words, when I choose to give away my personal power, I choose to become a victim of others, of life or of the world. Anytime we have been abused, we find healing in grieving and we find freedom in forgiveness. By grieving our loss and by choosing to forgive the person who has abused us, we regain our self-respect, our dignity and our lives. We are then able to move forward as people better prepared to face the harsh realities of life. Throughout this process, our ability to heal, forgive and move forward have been made pos

“If you think something is missing from your life, it is probably you!” Robert Holden , Shift Happens It seems most people believe there’s something missing from their lives. Inside ourselves we feel a longing for something more, for those missing pieces to the puzzle of our personhood. Instead of using inner-vision, however, most of us use outer-vision as we begin our search for the missing pieces. So we jump on a fast track to find what we think we’ve lost by looking outside of ourselves. We take classes to gain new skills, we switch career paths, we move from city to city, we go clubbing and we join Facebook. But we soon discover that we still don’t have all of the missing pieces. So we work hard at making more money, we buy more things and we travel the world. And we still come up empty. Eventually we may get involved with more and more organizations, from churches to co-ed sports teams to charities, thinking that somehow, somewhere someone is going to provide the missing piece

“These bruises make for better conversation… It’s good to let you in again, You’re not alone… Everybody loses. We all got bruises, We all got bruises.” Train, Bruises It’s easy to climb back onto your pity-pot. I find myself there whenever I lose sight of the bigger picture, which is nearly effortless to do. My focus narrows onto me, I feel all alone in a little world where suffering has sometimes become as commonplace as breathing, and I whine and cry “Why is this happening to me? It doesn’t happen to anyone else!” Ah, yes. There’s nothing quite like self-serving denial! To shatter the denial, I find it’s good to climb down off the pity-pot, rant and rave at my Higher Power about how miserable I’m feeling and then go for a good walk to clear my head. Quickly enough, a state of reality returns and I regain sight of an essential eternal truth: Shit happens to everyone—not just me. Everyone suffers and we all have “bruises,” as the San Francisco band Train reminds us in one of th

Many people know something is wrong inside of them. They just don’t know what it is. And they—like most people-- are prone to look for an easy outside-of-myself fix. It almost never occurs to any of us to look inside ourselves for the proper fix. So, these people often assume companionship is what’s missing from their lives. They decide that once they find the right lifetime companion, they’ll feel fine with themselves and life will be good. “Yes. That’s it!” they think. “Once I get married, I’ll be OK!” So they find a companion, get married and eventually they discover that there’s still something wrong inside of them. They are still fearful and anxious and feeling far from OK. A new fix is needed, since the marriage fix obviously didn’t take. And often times the next outside fix becomes a newborn child. “Yes. That’s it!” they think. “Once we have a baby, I’ll be OK!” So they conceive, a child is born and eventually they discover that there’s still something wrong inside of them. T

No one has to accept unjust criticism. At times we allow ourselves to become the victims of complainers. Everyone is faced with people who constantly need to have something to whine about. We face these people within our families, within our social circles and within our workplaces. But we don’t have to be their victims. We can set boundaries. Boundaries allow us to retain our personal power. And when it comes to complainers, we definitely need to have proper boundaries. Look at complainers in this light: People who are always complaining are trapped in a negative mindset. Everything you say is filtered through their “you’re out to get me” mind-lens. They have an obsessive need to find fault and to place a negative spin on everything they hear. This isn’t normal. Any time someone says something, it can be interpreted in many different ways, and most people interpret statements in the way in which they were intended. Complainers do not. Everything you say is all about them and how y

“Imagine lying to everyone you know, all the time. Imagine feeling your soul is distorted, evil, and broken. And imagine believing that, because of something you cannot change, God hates you. What would you do?” Jay Michaelson, God vs. Gay Many people don’t need to imagine what Jay Michaelson proposes. They’ve lived it. And many have been living this nightmare since they were small children. At some point in life, they learned that because of their sexual orientation, or the color of their skin, or their gender, or their ethnicity that they were somehow distorted, or evil or broken in a way that made them unlovable—even to God. Unfortunately, there are even those who, as children, were sexually molested and then made to believe that it was their fault. The perpetrators of these crimes told their young victims that they were to blame for what happened because they were evil little devils; and that if they ever told anyone, the whole world would come to know how evil they were and eve

“Courage is a natural part of my being. By facing life I transcend it.” Stuart Wilde, Affirmations Everyone is inherently courageous. Courage is a natural feeling. It’s also a fleeting feeling. We have moments when we are able to stand our ground and speak our truth, but we also have moments when we cower behind the curtains, filled with fear of rejection or annihilation. This is true for everyone. The important thing to understand is that courage isn’t about being free of fear. It’s about transcending the fear. And we have to face our fear in order to rise above it. People who are in the throes of the codependent crazies generally have trouble being courageous. This is why compliance is a major problem for codependents. Long ago we rejected and abandoned ourselves, and so the thought of being rejected or abandoned by others becomes an overwhelming fear. Deep inside, we fear that one more rejection will annihilate us from within; that we’d simply implode into nothingness. So we choo

As a little boy, I remember watching people wipe their brow and exclaim “Wu Wei!” I quickly learned that Wu Wei was an expression of relief. It was a way of saying “I just got out of a jam. I don’t have to struggle or worry anymore. Everything’s going to be OK.” It’s too bad we don’t hear the phrase “Wu Wei” much anymore because it has significant meaning. The term is actually Taoist, and it literally means to stop struggling and to go with the flow of life. And yet some people don’t know how to do that. For whatever reason, they believe life has to be a struggle. And I think they believe this because they don’t see themselves in a very favorable light. People who think life has to be a struggle don’t believe they’re really worthy of God’s love, and they don’t think it’s possible for them to be reasonably happy in this life. So they continuously struggle to somehow redeem themselves for not being good enough to simply enjoy all life has to offer them. Their stinking thinking is st

Anytime I’m having a problem with someone else, I need to ask myself this question: “Who has the problem?” Obviously the answer is “I do.” This practice brings me back to reality. The problem is really with me, not the other person. And so I need to ask myself “What’s going on with me? What is it about me that’s being rubbed the wrong way by this person?” As I was giving some talks recently, someone raised their hand and asked “What do you do about people who are narcissistic?” I asked this person to elaborate. “Well,” she said, “There’s this lady in our bridge group and she’s always talking about herself and she’s just so narcissistic that I can’t stand to be around her.” I asked the woman speaking “Who has the problem here?” She looked puzzled and thought for a moment. Then she said hesitantly “I do.” I said “Bingo!” Then I asked “So who is it who has to change?” She said “I do.” I don’t think that was the realization that this woman wanted to arrive at. Most of us don’t like the

What is Easter without the Resurrection? What is breath without air? What is life without love? And what is love without forgiveness? One has no purpose without the other. Yet, we often fail at being resurrected spiritually because we fail to take breaths that are true, we fail to live on life’s oasis of love and we fail to love ourselves well enough to forgive and to accept forgiveness. This Lenten season I traveled around Arizona giving a series of talks I call “Have I Loved Well?” Loving well begins with loving one’s self well (unconditionally). And loving one’s self well leads to forgiving one’s self. Yet, almost everywhere I spoke, people told me of their inability to forgive themselves. It was obvious to me that the past still haunts many people because they don’t love themselves well enough to forgive themselves for the mistakes of their yesterdays. There’s no good reason for failing to forgive yourself. God has already forgiven you for the past. All you have to do to receiv

“Happiness lies in your own hand.” Madonna, Secret Back in 1994, Madonna passed on some great wisdom in her mega-hit single “Secret.” Unfortunately, as much as I liked the song at the time, I didn’t get the message. Or I didn’t want to get it. I find most people don’t like the idea that happiness is in their own hands. They prefer to think that happiness lies outside of themselves; that it can only be found in the hands of someone else; and that they have to struggle to find that someone who has the power to make them happy. There’s a romanticism to this idea that a perfect person is going to come along and sweep you away to mythical happiness. Or that some great spiritual guru is going to provide you with the long lost “secret” to possessing authentic lifelong happiness. But there’s no reality to either concept. No one can give you what you already have within your own grasp—within your very hands. Accepting the fact that happiness lies within our own hands seems too challenging

“How people look is often the same as how they feel. Over the years your face changes to reflect your predominate emotions” Stuart Wilde, Silent Power There have been many songs written about facial expressions. “Sad Eyes,” “Can’t Smile Without You,”  “These Eyes,” “Tears of a Clown” and “Bette Davis Eyes” are just a few of the songs that immediately come to mind. Notice that most of these titles involve the eyes. Sad eyes tell the story of a sad heart, just like Bette Davis eyes tell the story of someone who is strong-willed but vulnerable.  Likewise, a face without a smile can tell the story of someone who has given his/her happiness away to a person who picked up and left; and a constant smile, or clown-like demeanor, can be hiding the truth of soul turned inside-out with grief. Sometimes facial expressions tell the truth about how people feel, and sometimes we have to dig deeper behind a person’s exterior expressions to know what’s really going on inside of the

“The eyes of man speak words the tongue cannot pronounce.” Native American Proverb The eyes of humans speak the deepest, and sometimes darkest, truths beyond what human words can express. And there are certainly times when human eyes betray the words that flow across human lips. It seems that there is some sort of invisible umbilical cord between the human heart and human eyes. The eyes always speak the truth within the heart. Is it any wonder then that we often have a hard time looking people in the face when we have something heavy weighting on our hearts. It’s difficult to muster the words we need and to speak to them honestly when we don’t want to hurt them, much less look them in the face as we speak. I have no doubt this is one of the reasons why email and texting are so popular today. Likewise, this mysterious heart-to-eyes connection is also the reason why we find it very difficult to look someone directly in the eyes and lie to them. Inherently, we know that our