How Do You "Feel" About Being the Good Boy-- or the Good Girl?

“Daddy said that I'm a good boy, ’cause I always did his will, but I can't remember. Was it me? How did I feel? I call 'em family, but in the heart of hearts I know there's something wrong with me, what can I do? Mother said that I'm a good girl, I was always dressed to kill, but I can't remember. Was it me?

How did I feel?”
And One, Sometimes

Parenting is a sacred honor. And yet, very few people in this world are properly prepared to become parents. Certainly in the United States there is no certification, no degree, no nothing that’s required before a person can become a parent. I’m not aware of any other “job” that requires no preparation in the eyes of society. So it’s my guess that the vast majority of parents are totally under-prepared for the great responsibility that faces them when they have their first baby.

This explains why—at least to some extent—that the average family is dysfunctional on some level. We are all the end result of our parental up-bringing, to a large extent, especially if we’ve never sought out help to better understand our own behavior and how our childhoods still control the things we say and do today. It also explains why, as parents, many people do the very same things to their children that they swore they would never do. At least they understand that they didn’t like what their parents did to them, but they don’t understand themselves well enough to keep from doing those very same things to their kids.

Some of us grew up with Dads or Moms who lived vicariously through us. For example, if you're male, maybe you had a Dad who was a great football jock, and who was no longer able to physically bask in his glory days at the time your were born. So he decided you would continue his glory days by being an equally good football jock. The same "you," that is, who wanted to be a violinist. But, like a "good boy," you struggled to be a good jock for your Dad so you could win your Dad’s approval. Or even worse, let's say you're female, and this same Dad forced you to be a great jock because he was determined to feather his ego despite your gender. And so you lost your true self and suffered to gain Dad's love and approval by being the "good girl" in Daddy's eyes.

In either case, a child in this type of situation loses him/her self to what Dad or Mom wants them to be. And, sadly, Dad or Mom will often use manipulative behavior to get what they want from the child. Forcing children to believe in the importance of being the “good boy” or “good girl” is a damaging form of parental manipulation. Essentially children learn that they have to earn their parents approval—and thus love—by being what Mom and Dad want them to be: The good boy or good girl. And this is often demanded by parents at all costs—even the cost of a child losing his or her true self. Many children are forced into being a “Mini-Me,” a replica of Mom or Dad, so that Mom or Dad can have one more chance to make old dreams realities.

Sadly, by the time many of these children reach adulthood and look back, they’re totally out of touch with their true selves. They know something isn’t right, but they don’t remember who they were before Mom and Dad started playing Dr. Frankenstein with them. Nor do they remember their feelings because they were forced to shut them down. There was too much pain for them to face knowing that they weren’t acceptable or lovable to their parents just the way they were.

If you are one of these adult children, see help for yourself. A therapist can help you reconnect with your true self so you can honor yourself, instead of being a mini-me. If you are a new parent, be careful about how you treat your children. They were not designed by God to fulfill your dreams, but to fulfill God’s dream for this world. If you feel ignorant or lacking in parental skills, seek to educate yourself. There are college courses offered on parenting and there are plenty of good books. Don’t simply rely on the skills you learned from your parents. If you do, you will most likely continue to spread your family dysfunction to the next generation. Instead, put your children first and learn to love them—above all—just the way they are in God’s Divine Plan.

*And One is a German synth-pop band. The song “Sometimes” is from the CD Nordhausen.