Ghosting is Cowardly, Cruel and Dysfunctional

Ghosting is a new concept to me. Growing up, it was referred to as “the silent treatment.” I learned from my mother that if I was upset with someone, I simply cut them off by refusing to talk to them or even acknowledge their presence. I didn’t return phone calls, or answer my door if they came knocking.

Recovery taught me that this was truly dysfunctional behavior. I think that ghosting is basically dysfunctional too. First, if we realize that a relationship is toxic for us, we need to bring it to a proper closure. We need to have the guts to tell the person in a kind way that things just aren’t working out, but that we still care about them and wish them well. In doing so we show respect both for them and for ourselves.

Once we have had proper closure, it’s OK to become absent from that person’s life. At least now there is an understanding between us. To simply disappear from someone’s life because they “failed to appreciate my presence,” is simply revenge. It’s ending the relationship on a note of self-pity and of animosity. This will lead to resentment inside of us, and resentment is toxic for recovering addicts. We need to clear the air with the person, forgive and detach with love. That is functional behavior.

It’s also inappropriate to “ghost” someone just because they didn’t meet our expectations and we’re mad at them. It’s dysfunctional to suddenly stop liking their posts on Facebook, or to refuse to take/return their calls, or to refuse to respond to their texts. It’s also dysfunctional to suddenly just stop calling or texting them when we’ve been in the habit of doing it as a friend.

Again, if we’re upset with someone, we need to act like functional, recovering adults. We need to address our disappointment to them directly, not play games like the silent treatment or ghosting. Communication, empathetic honesty and compromise are the best solutions to misunderstandings between people. And closure, preferably face to face, is the best solution to ending a toxic relationship. Simply disappearing is cowardly and dysfunctional.