Soulshine

“Just take my hand and make me glad I’m changing.” Guillemots, I Don’t Feel Amazing Now I’m not sure anyone can make us feel glad that we’re changing-- aside from ourselves. We have to start thinking, accepting and believing that change is good for us on every level at every moment of every day. And most of us don’t want to do this. We’re fearful. Change means facing unfamiliar waters. It doesn’t feel safe and so we resist. We don’t wear change well because we like to rest in the comfort of stability. And yet change is a constant fact of life. We are actually powerless over change for the most part; and when we do try to control it, we ensure our own misery, because it’s impossible to stop life from changing. So let’s look at change this way. Change ensures that life is forever new, that we are always able to grow into fresh opportunities, into higher levels of understanding, intelligence, emotional maturity, spiritual enlightenment and physical fortitude. Change also ensures that w

"I want to hold the hand inside you. I want to take a breath that's true." Mazzy Star, Fade Into You Lasting relationships have strong foundations, and those foundations are built gradually from within. They’re built by two people who are willing to be sincerely vulnerable—emotionally naked, completely honest and genuinely truthful-- before each other. They’re built by people who recognize their individual limitations, and own them the same way they own their personal assets. These are people who honestly say to each other “Here I am. This is the REAL me. Love me as I am and I will love you as you are. Together, let’s build a strong relationship that will weather the sandstorms of our shortcomings and thrive on the rainbows of our strengths. Accept me as I am or walk away. I don’t waste my time with fakes.” Before such lasting relationships can be built, however, both persons involved must be emotionally mature; meaning they’ve taken the time to go soul-deep inside the

What is your purpose in life? To love well. That’s it. And you share that same purpose with every human being across this entire world. We are all created with the divine purpose to love as well-- and as creatively-- as we possibly can. To love well is an individual art; a way of uniquely being as we settle comfortably into our own skin and begin the process of sharing ourselves and our love with all those persons we encounter across our lifetimes. Every career path, every retirement path and every other path in life calls us all to love well—in our own individual ways-- for the betterment of everyone. After all, no artist creates beauty solely for him or herself. An artist searches deep within the mystery of him/herself, discovers his/her inner-beauty and then expresses that inner-beauty through paintings, words, sculptures or photographs. And we all are called to do the same with the greatest inner-art form of all; the only universal art form that unites and bonds all peoples: Love

“When we stop naming ourselves, who we think we are disappears…” Adyashanti, Falling Into Grace We use thoughts and the words that enable those thoughts to define ourselves, others and the entire world. As children, we allow the thoughts and words of others to define us: child, white, black, chubby, skinny, pretty, plain, shy, aggressive, good, bad. And we become, in our minds, whomever others have defined us to be. We believe their words. We capture those words in our heads as thoughts. And we come to define ourselves by the words that adults have placed upon us. We own their words and we become their definition of who we are. How many of us still define ourselves today by the words that others assigned us as children? Probably all of us do to some degree. How many of us ever take the time to challenge these outer-imposed identities? Probably all too few of us. So let’s start today. As Adyashanti says, when we stop naming or defining ourselves with the thoughts/words others origina

“A person can change.” Frances McDormand, Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day Guinevere Pettigrew understands that a person can change. But unfortunately she always thinks it should be someone other than herself. In the film Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day , we quickly learn that Guinevere has a difficult time keeping jobs. She is known as the “Governess of Last Resort” and has been dismissed from many positions as a nanny. The problem? Guinevere always finds fault with her employers and thinks that they should change to please her. After all, she’s the daughter of a clergyman. If her employer drinks a bit too much, she isn’t going to tolerate such behavior. She’s going to do her best to change her employer, to reform him or her—until they tire of her prudish righteousness and give her the sack. Certainly I can empathize with poor Miss Pettigrew. I was raised with high religion and an extremely unhealthy dose of self-righteousness. And in the past I wanted to reform most everyone, too. I

“I do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom I am attracted.” Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence Manual For most of my life I was attracted to people who were completely unavailable—emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. I could walk into a room filled with people and make a beeline for the neediest person present. Somehow I was always attracted to the perpetual victim or martyr; to the person whose life was so messed-up, who had no hope of it getting better, and who—in truth—didn’t want their life to get better. All they wanted was someone to help them stay stuck in their misery: Me. Today I can look back and blame all of those perpetual victims I chose to rescue (quite unsuccessfully, by the way); or I can take responsibility for my own failed behavior—after all, none of those people begged me to fix them. I jumped in with both feet and took it upon myself to become their savior. And so today I choose to take personal responsibility for my o

“Everything is just as it should be.” Andrew Weil, M.D., Spontaneous Happiness Most days I need to get out of my own way. I have a lot of “shoulds,” a lot of personal inner-demands and wants that I place on myself, others and even nature. And these mostly irrational demands do nothing less than cause me misery. Life is not about how I want it to be. Life is about how everything actually is, despite my objections. People are who they are, the weather is as it is, the day begins and flows as the universe flows. I am a small, but important part of that flow, and I need to be open to moving with the universal flow. When I am, everything is just as it should be. Awareness is the key to getting out of the way-- of both myself and the universal flow. Conscious surrender and release of my inner-demands is the next step. And acceptance that life is exactly as it should be—moment by moment—rounds out my active choice to live life as it is. Living life in the flow requires being focused in th

“Maurice’s folks won’t meet me: Not over their dead bodies,” said Adrienne. To which her sister Coco replies “So let them die.” Coco Before Chanel , Sony Classic Films 2009 Coco Before Chanel paints a vivid portrait of its heroine. French actress Audrey Tautou gives Coco Chanel a mysterious and intriguing edge. Through Tautou’s eyes, Coco is introverted yet daring, determined yet meek, comfortable in her own skin/designs yet edgy inside, cool and yet tender. She knows what she wants in life and she manages to remain focused despite her contradictory feelings. It seems as if Coco ’s great ability to stay focused in the present moment enables her to find balance between her extremes. Despite the many challenges she faces, she is always able to return to the center of her being; to the essence of Coco by following the flow of her feelings. We could all take a few good lessons from this portrayal of Coco Chanel. We need to allow ourselves to feel that tug and pull of our many emoti

“He smiled whenever he saw me. And we could have built a life on that.” Frances McDormand, Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day In the 2008 English film Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day , Frances McDormand plays Guinevere Pettigrew, social secretary to Delysia LaFosse (Amy Adams) for one incredible day. Delysia is a night club singer in 1930s London, and she’s busy juggling three men: Nick, her boss at the Scarlet Peacock Night Club; Philip, a West End Play Producer; and Michael, a penniless piano player. She’s also busy trying to escape from her true self: Miss Sarah Grubb of the Pittsburgh Grubbs. Both Nick and Philip allow Delysia to indulge her fantasy of mega-stardom as they provide her with luxury and the promise of a glamorous future. Neither knows that she comes from a lower class family amidst the American steel mills, and neither would pursue her if they did know. Michael, on the other hand, knows and loves the Sarah Grubb who’s hiding under the elegant make-up of Delysia LaFosse.

Clara to Paul: “You’ve given me everything, except yourself.” D.H. Lawrence, Sons and Lovers I believe most every codependent thinker can relate to this quote from D.H. Lawrence. We are used to giving others everything. We give them our time, our concern, our help, our money, gifts, dinners, cards—literally everything, but ourselves. And this happens because most codependents have no self awareness, and so no self to give to another. Prior to recovery, the average codependent has refused, mostly out of shame and fear, to go inside themselves. They have no real knowledge of who they are. Most codependents are accustomed to fading-into others. They like what you like, are anxious to do whatever you want to do, believe what you believe, feel what you feel, and think what you think. They have no concept of self and so they can’t speak of their dreams, desires, wants and needs. This lack of self-knowledge leaves them with nothing of real value to give to a relationship. The most valuabl

No one’s body makes them truly sexy. Sexy is inside of you. It exists in your personality, your being in-touch with your inner-workings-- with the true inner-reality of who you are. Let’s face it: A body—however nice—is just a body. And a body always disintegrates, second by second, day by day. While the body is busy falling apart in the hands of time, the spirit within you is ever growing; becoming more beautiful, more profound and increasingly sexy—if you nurture it. We spend a lot of time and effort nurturing our bodies. We hike, jog, swim, weight-lift, do yoga or aerobics. And all of that is good, but it’s also meaningless if we basically have nothing cultivated inside of us to share with others. People can admire us for our bodies all that they want, but they will never love us for them. Oh, they will lust-us for our physical appearance, but then we are never anything more than a body that resembles an empty bottle. The empty body may be beautiful in shape or form or color, but

“A few times in my life, I’ve had moments of absolute clarity, when for a few brief seconds, silence drowns-out the noise, and I can feel rather than think. And things seem so sharp. And the world seems so fresh as if it has all just come into existence.” Colin Firth, A Single Man The beauty of becoming who you are… What could be more beautiful? It’s a rewarding journey. And it lasts a lifetime. So it’s important to enjoy the journey by being in touch with those moments of clarity when your feelings supplant the noise of your thoughts. The journey begins by connecting with yourself inside; by becoming aware of what you are feeling in this moment and allowing your feelings to connect you with the Spirit that dwells within you. Be aware of each feeling and bless it. Feelings are your guideposts along the path of life. Each feeling you become aware of provides a moment of clarity, a new perspective on the smallest aspects of who you are and the most mundane routines of your day. Feel

“You know the only thing that’s made the whole thing (life) worth while has been those few times when I’ve been able to really connect with another human being.” Colin Firth, A Single Man In the 2009 film “A Single Man,” the character of George Falconer (played by Colin Firth) is struggling to make sense out of life following the death of his long-term companion, Jim. It’s during the turmoil of this struggle that he comes to the great realization that the one thing that makes life valuable-- that is most essential-- is the deep human connection that bonds heart to heart and soul to soul between two vulnerable individuals. George discovers the key to the brilliance of human life: The great ability we humans have to reflect upon and know ourselves, to connect with the Spirit inside of us and to follow the Light that emanates from within our souls: The very Light that completes us and makes us whole—Supreme Love. And it’s the journey into the warmth of that great all-embracing Light a

To love well, we first have to understand what it is that keeps us from loving well. The antithesis of love is hate. So examining ourselves to understand whom or what we hate is an important step toward learning to love well. Every child in our society is taught to be fearful of anyone that is different from them and to be leery of any customs or practices that are different from their family norm. More often than not this conditioning is taught to us in subtle ways. For example, as children we hear adults around us criticize or demean people of other races, nationalities, religious practices, sexual orientations and political beliefs. These putdowns are often caged in humor or innuendo, but sometimes they are flagrant violations of God’s law to love your neighbor—no exceptions. Either way, children learn a deep-seated mistrust of those persons who are different from them and this mistrust is fueled by the fear that often erupts as hatred of those who are different and seen as evil i