The Only Valuable Gift You Can Give Another Is Yourself


Clara to Paul: “You’ve given me everything, except yourself.”
D.H. Lawrence, Sons and Lovers

I believe most every codependent thinker can relate to this quote from D.H. Lawrence. We are used to giving others everything. We give them our time, our concern, our help, our money, gifts, dinners, cards—literally everything, but ourselves.

And this happens because most codependents have no self awareness, and so no self to give to another. Prior to recovery, the average codependent has refused, mostly out of shame and fear, to go inside themselves. They have no real knowledge of who they are. Most codependents are accustomed to fading-into others. They like what you like, are anxious to do whatever you want to do, believe what you believe, feel what you feel, and think what you think. They have no concept of self and so they can’t speak of their dreams, desires, wants and needs. This lack of self-knowledge leaves them with nothing of real value to give to a relationship.

The most valuable element in any relationship is the sharing of self. The beauty is in discovering the sacred essence inside the other. We all have to be able to give that much of ourselves to each other if a relationship is to bloom, blossom and grow in spiritual beauty.

Think about what you are giving to your relationships. If you are giving everything but yourself, then you need to step back and discover who you are inside, become comfortable with that person inside of you, and start to share that person with the others in your life. This may mean saying “red” when they say “blue.” Or saying “I prefer to have Italian tonight” when they say they want Chinese for dinner. It’s fine to disagree. It defines you from the other. It gives you personality, and provides a tug and pull that will ultimately bring the two of you to a middle ground of mutual agreement without either one of you having to give away your personal power.

So stop caretaking, gift-giving and people-pleasing from your inner-emptiness. Fill yourself up by knowing and loving yourself from inside-out. Then you will have something truly valuable to give to every relationship—something mysterious, life-giving and eternal: You.

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