Soulshine

Recovery gives us the tools to be our TRUE selves. And I feel myself transitioning from who the world (mostly my mother) wanted me to be into being the REAL me. And it’s a GREAT feeling! I’m on vacation and decided to go to Disneyland by myself. I’ve done so in the past, but never felt comfortable. I didn’t want to be alone and often felt insecure when I went alone in the past. In fact, I wouldn’t get on any of the rides by myself. I felt like a geek or a loser, since everyone else there seemed to be with family or friends. Well, that all changed yesterday— and the real change was inside of me. I felt free to be me, and I felt good being me. I felt happy in my own skin. I ate and drank what I wanted, I bought some great Disney kids clothes for my 18 month old nephew, and I decided to get a Fast Pass for the Guradians of the Galaxy ride. Yes! I decided to ride by myself and it was a blast! In fact, I felt so good being me I decided to stay and ride the evening Halloween versi

“I got a hole in my heart... And what I’ve found is my life is too heavy. So I’m waiting on a woman to take this load off me...I’m still waiting.... waiting on her, waiting on her.” Adam Friedman, Waiting on a Woman Codependents spend, or rather waste, a lot of time waiting on a man or woman to rescue them. We do this because we learned at a young age to make another person into our Super Power, or Higher Power. For years, we have mistakenly believed that we were powerless over our own lives and happiness. Some other person had to be out there who could rescue us from our worthless selves and our miserable lives. And so, as the lyric to this Adam Friedman song states, we kept “waiting and waiting and waiting” for our savior to appear. Time and again, we chose toxic people to be that savior because we were so tired of waiting. Well, the wait is over:There is no person outside of ourselves who can rescue us. We are that person. We are NOT powerless over our lives. We have gre

Recovery has taught me it’s OK to have feelings. As a child I learned to stuff all of my feelings down to survive in our emotionless, alcoholic household. For most of my life I only felt numb, fearful and angry. Now I realize that God gave us feelings for a VERY important purpose: To help us process the good and bad in daily life. When we shutdown our feelings, especially the difficult ones, we aren’t able to process what happened and get our emotional balance back. Sadness is THE healing feeling. It helps us to cry-out the pain of betrayal, disappointment, hurt, shame, guilt and anger. We need to allow ourselves to be sad. It’s OK. It’s necessary— Sometimes. We can’t always be sad. If we are, we’re playing the victim and that’s no good. It eventually leads to depression. Properly processing sadness brings us to a point of release. We’re able to release the bad that happened, surrender it to our Higher Power, and let go of the hurt and sadness. Once we do, we gain the emotion

I am now in my 22nd year of recovery for codependency. As I look back, I realize just how much I have shifted from unhealthy mental thinking and emotional behaviors thanks to CODA and Al-Anon. I’m not the same person I used to be. I’m no longer silent. I don’t hide from people and life anymore. I speak my truth now. I no longer hide it, or hide who I truly am. I’m no longer ashamed to be me, to express my beliefs and likes/dislikes even if they differ from those of others I love. Recovery has taught me the value of self-love, and self-love leads to authentic self-expression. I no longer tolerate abusive behavior from others, and have learned to refrain from manipulating others for my benefit alone. Through learning healthy boundaries, I now set them to protect myself and the other person. I tell others what is acceptable behavior and what is not acceptable. And I tell them that if they are not willing to respect my boundaries, I will remove myself from the situation or from the

Ghosting is a new concept to me. Growing up, it was referred to as “the silent treatment.” I learned from my mother that if I was upset with someone, I simply cut them off by refusing to talk to them or even acknowledge their presence. I didn’t return phone calls, or answer my door if they came knocking. Recovery taught me that this was truly dysfunctional behavior. I think that ghosting is basically dysfunctional too. First, if we realize that a relationship is toxic for us, we need to bring it to a proper closure. We need to have the guts to tell the person in a kind way that things just aren’t working out, but that we still care about them and wish them well. In doing so we show respect both for them and for ourselves. Once we have had proper closure, it’s OK to become absent from that person’s life. At least now there is an understanding between us. To simply disappear from someone’s life because they “failed to appreciate my presence,” is simply revenge. It’s ending the r

I bought two of these Japanese ninja dolls back in July. One was for a friend’s birthday and the other for me. I made the sign he’s holding in his hand as a daily reminder that our biggest enemy in life is never outside ourselves. It’s inside of us. Our greatest enemy is our inner-critic. That small but loud constant chatter in our heads that is repeatedly telling us “you’re bad,” “you’re worthless,” “you’re so messed up,” “you’re unlovable,” “you’re ugly,” or “you’re fat.” It’s up to us, through Recovery, to learn how to conquer this inner-enemy. It takes daily effort, but what I’ve learned to do is this: When that inner-critic offers an opinion to me, I tell my inner-critic to “go F**K itself.” I’m finished with giving my personal power away to a voice in my head that represents countless years of sel-abuse. No more. I refuse to abuse myself anymore with negative thoughts about me, and I will no longer be controlled mentally, or emotionally by this nasty, negative inner-vo

  When we realize that we have re-engaged in unhealthy relationships, we have at least two choices: We can detach, cut the other person off and play the blame game. We can make every mistake their fault and choose to dislike or even hate them. Or we can choose to realize that we are both broken inside, that we both made mistakes and we can detach with love. Detaching with love is necessary. We can't rightfully blame the other person for everything that went wrong in the relationship. It truly takes two to tango. So we have to be willing to admit to our own mistakes and to admit that under the other person's brokenness, we did see beauty in their soul. Sometimes it's also necessary to detach with love because we are making spiritual/recovery progress and the other person isn't. We can't force anyone to be willing to work at recovery and to be wiling to fix themselves. And we cannot fix them. There have been many times when I've heard friends sa

Recovery is a partnership. It is a partnership between God (Higher Power), ourselves and other people whom we can trust. Recovery is never an act of praying to your Higher Power and then expecting your Higher Power to suddenly zap you with instant wellness, and make everything OK. That's not prayer. That's magical thinking.   We have to first be willing to do whatever work is necessary to make our lives better; to change our patterns of thinking and behavior from negative to positive. Recovery always starts with "me." Once we are willing to do our best to change our character defects into character assets, then our Higher Power can help us.  We first need to do for ourselves whatever we can do to make our lives manageable and functional. What we aren't capable of doing for ourselves, we need to surrender to our Higher Power and allow that Higher Power to handle all that is beyond our control.  We also need to be willing to reach out to others we tr

It's so true. My mirror has had two faces most of my life: 1) My actual physical face and 2) the face that was merely a representation of all of the negative judgments I continually made against myself. The face I have primarily seen in any mirror since childhood is the face of harsh self-judgment that I projected onto my outer appearance. I've rarely seen my REAL face; the one that is beautifully free of all self-judgments. I've seen my face/body of harsh self-judgments since grade school, when I first began over-eating to medicate away the emotional pain of growing up in an alcoholic/ codependent household. In those days, all I saw reflecting back at me in the mirror were the horrible judgments I made against myself for becoming fat.  Most of those judgments weren't even mine. They had been shoved down my throat by family and kids at school: "Fatty, fatty, two by four," "Hey, fatso," and "You're going to be fat all of your life,

Codependents are often very compliant. We often enter recovery with a strong need to please other people in order to earn our self-worth, to earn love. One of the most dangerous compliance patterns for codependents, and sex-love addicts, is that some of us accept sexual acting-out when we really want love. And this acting-out eventually leads us to experience feelings of self-betrayal, abuse, disappointment, shame, guilt and anger. I remember one of the first CODA meetings I attended at the Steps Alano Club in St. Louis, Missouri. A woman stood up and admitted that she felt so unlovable and so worthless that she had developed a pattern of behavior in which she engaged in sex with anyone who showed even the slightest interest in her. It was the only way she knew how to medicate away her emotional pain about feeling like a worthless person. She even admitted to having sex with men she actually despised because she was so desperate for some form of affirmation, of affection, even t

Many people enter into Recovery, but few stick with the program. Why? Because Recovery takes a great deal of mental, emotional and spiritual work. Recovery forces us to daily focus on changing our lives for the better, and too many people don’t want to make the effort to redeem their lives from the past, to take the time to learn new ways of thinking and behaving and to move forward. Sadly, too many people enter Recovery programs expecting either a quick fix of themselves, or stuck in a pattern of denial where they want to simply blame the world for their pain and they want the world to be responsible for fixing them. Well, in Recovery there is only one person responsible for fixing our lives— and we are that person. I’ve had many people seek help from me, only to watch them walk away when they found out how much effort it was going to take for them to become responsible for changing their own lives. Many of them just wanted to forever blame their parents for their addictions,

Codependents, even recovering ones, have a bad habit of choosing the most unavailable people to befriend or even fall in love with. We pick people who are emotionally unavailable, or are perpetual victims of their own negative, self-loathing thoughts. Initially the people we codependents choose to engage with are thrilled to receive our attention and concern. But at some point, because they feel so unworthy and bad about themselves, they inevitably become uncomfortable with the attention and concern we give them. They will then subconsciously look for ways to sabotage the relationship by pushing us away. They will stop texting back, or they will stop calling us. They may say cruel things to us or they may not show up for a planned get-together. They may also start blaming us for all of their problems and withdraw any gratitude for anything we’ve ever done to simply be kind and empathetic with them. In other words, they are forcing us to abandon them because abandonment is all

Through my own recovery program I’ve learned to examine my own inner-brokenness and to look for the beauty inside me that’s been buried underneath all that brokenness since childhood. By learning to be empathetic, kind and compassionate with my own brokenness, I’ve learned to be more empathetic, kind and compassionate with others. How? By realizing that underneath everyones’ brokenness Is the image and likeness of God. We are all created in the image and likeness of God. Nothing can change this truth. No matter how much we have been hurt by others or how much we have hurt others, this lone truth still stands. Despite all of the harmful behaviors we have learned to use against ourselves and others, this lone truth still stands: We are, and forever will be, images and likenesses of God. When people come to talk with me about their addictive issues, I’ve learned to see beneath their brokenness and see straight through to the honest beauty of their souls. And often times, those w

Forever bitter, or eventually better? The choice is truly ours. When I first entered Recovery for codependency in 1995, it didn't take me long to feel very bitter and angry toward my parents and our entire nuclear family structure. It was polluted with addictive behaviors. I had learned all of these behaviors from my parents. Back in 1995, I was in my 30s and angry as hell with my parents. I was even angry with my mother, from whom I had learned all of my codependency, even though she had been deceased for two years. I said angrily at a CODA meeting "They screwed-up my entire childhood, teen years and much of my young adult life! I am so angry with them. Why should I have to pay the price of doing all of this recovery stuff for something that I'm not guilty of? It was taught to me! I didn't choose it! I didn't know I even had a choice!" Others at the meeting understood how I felt. And they congratulated me for getting in touch with my feelings and

It's so true: We only have one life to live-- OURS. And we have a choice everyday. We can choose to work our recovery programs, to consciously change our thinking and behaviors; or we can choose to stop working to improve our lives and regress into the old misery we have so desperately wanted to escape. So how do I want to spend the rest of my life? I want to love myself unconditionally and to stop hating myself. I know learning to love myself unconditionally will help me to accept and love others unconditionally. All of my relationships will improve. I will choose healthier people to engage with and our relationships will be between equals. I am tired of running after people who don't see me. I am always attracted to the most emotionally unavailable and neediest people. After 22 years of Recovery, this is an instinctual battle I have to face every single day. Only through working my CODA program can I consciously choose to no longer engage in relationships with e

Before Recovery, I always attracted people who couldn't possibly love and accept me for who I am. Looking back, I realize the real reason why I attracted and was attracted to those people; because I was unable to love and accept myself for who I am. Recovery has taught me that I have to have a good, loving relationship with myself-- I have to love and accept myself warts and all-- if I want to fix my radar when it comes to relationships. The more I come to love and accept myself, despite all of my perceived/real faults and failings, the more I am attracted to people who also love and accept me for who I am. And the less I am attracted to people who don't accept and love me for who I am because they are unable to love and accept themselves for who they are. Loving and accepting people for who they are doesn't mean that we have to love or accept all of their beliefs, attitudes and behaviors; nor do they have to accept all of our beliefs, attitudes and behaviors.  W

Back in 2004, I was directing a retreat called "Open Up Your Heart and Let Yourself Out" at the Serra Retreat House in Malibu, California. While perusing through their bookstore, I came across the book "The Addictive Personality" by Craig Nakken. As I read through portions of the book, I felt fear, trepidation and ultimately-- resistance. I immediately wanted to put the book down and never look at it again. But after a few minutes, I picked the book back up and when I realized how strongly I was feeling resistance to what I was reading, I realized that resistance had a positive message for me. I traced the feeling of resistance back to denial. This book was challenging the denial that I was still trapped in. Yes, I had been in recovery for codependence for several years at this point, and I understood that I was powerless over other people. But what I hadn't owned up to were my two primary side addictions, which I turned to when I felt codependently ov

Every feeling we experience is valid. And important. There are NO wrong feelings. God gave us feelings to help us process life. When we face and process our feelings we return to a balanced place inside ourselves, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Most everyone suffering from addictive behaviors is perpetuating their suffering by suppressing their feelings. We were sometimes taught as children that it was not OK or even valid to have feelings, and many of us learned to turn-off our feelings to survive in our chaotic childhood households. A major part of Recovery is learning to acknowledge and reclaim our feelings, so that we can go about processing life properly. Be aware of the fact, however, that not everyone you know may be comfortable with your learning to respect and express your feelings. For some people in our lives, this will be a new and awkward experience. If people resist our expressions of our feelings, we must also remember that everyone&

Self-love is a tough one for most everyone who enters a Recovery program. So many of us as children were taught, or programmed, to loath ourselves. We were constantly criticized by our parents and rarely, if ever, received positive recognition. We were taught by them that we were not valuable, that we did not count and that we were basically unlovable.  Growing up in my own household as a child, I learned I was lovable if I did all of the right things to please my parents, but otherwise, I was NOT lovable. Love had to be earned and it could be withdrawn at any second of any day. This led to a fear of abandonment as well as self-loathing inside of me.  Life became a hell of emotional instability for me. One day I might be lovable in the morning, but by afternoon, I was getting the silent treatment or hearing words like "I'm ashamed to even call you my son!" As an adult I firmly believed I needed someone who could love me unconditionally into loving mysel