Bitter or Better? The Choice Is Ours Alone.


Forever bitter, or eventually better? The choice is truly ours. When I first entered Recovery for codependency in 1995, it didn't take me long to feel very bitter and angry toward my parents and our entire nuclear family structure. It was polluted with addictive behaviors. I had learned all of these behaviors from my parents.

Back in 1995, I was in my 30s and angry as hell with my parents. I was even angry with my mother, from whom I had learned all of my codependency, even though she had been deceased for two years. I said angrily at a CODA meeting "They screwed-up my entire childhood, teen years and much of my young adult life! I am so angry with them. Why should I have to pay the price of doing all of this recovery stuff for something that I'm not guilty of? It was taught to me! I didn't choose it! I didn't know I even had a choice!"

Others at the meeting understood how I felt. And they congratulated me for getting in touch with my feelings and being able to express them. Over the next few months, as I continued to attend weekly CODA meetings and read recovery books, I came to realize that my parents simply did the best they knew how to do. I gave them the benefit of the doubt, and assumed that their childhoods were probably worse than mine. I acknowledged that they received their parenting skills from their parents and that they probably did a little better than their parents did. 

I also acknowledged that both of my parents were emotionally unavailable to themselves, to each other and to me and my siblings. They didn't know how to love themselves. How could they possibly know how to love each other, or us? They couldn't. And I realized that I couldn't expect them to give me what they were not capable of giving: Love. No matter how much I needed that love, if they didn't have it to give, they didn't have it to give. No one can give what they don't have to give.

I also had to come to acknowledge that I was an adult and I did have power over my own life now that I understood my codependency and knew I had choices. I could either choose to be bitter with my parents for the rest of my life and continually blame them for my condition; moaning and groaning that I'm ruined forever because of them. Or I could choose to say "I'm a big boy now. I do have power over my life and I choose to exercise that power my changing my life through Recovery."

And that's what I chose to do. I forgave my parents first, which wasn't that hard after I realized that my mother died never knowing what her problems were: codependency and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. She never had a chance to be happy. I now did have that chance. I knew what was wrong with me and I knew that if I worked hard at Recovery, I could change my life for the better, and release all of my bitterness.

Today and every day we have a choice. We can moan and groan about how unfair it is to have to do the Recovery work and we can stay stuck in our misery. Or we can choose to take power over our own lives and work hard at making them "reasonably happy" and filled with hope. Either choice takes a great deal of energy. So how do you want to use your energy? Being bitter or getting better? The choice is yours alone.

I choose to get better every day with the help of my Higher Power!

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