Always Detach With Love and Prayer from Unhealthy Partners and Friends

 

When we realize that we have re-engaged in unhealthy relationships, we have at least two choices: We can detach, cut the other person off and play the blame game. We can make every mistake their fault and choose to dislike or even hate them. Or we can choose to realize that we are both broken inside, that we both made mistakes and we can detach with love.

Detaching with love is necessary. We can't rightfully blame the other person for everything that went wrong in the relationship. It truly takes two to tango. So we have to be willing to admit to our own mistakes and to admit that under the other person's brokenness, we did see beauty in their soul.

Sometimes it's also necessary to detach with love because we are making spiritual/recovery progress and the other person isn't. We can't force anyone to be willing to work at recovery and to be wiling to fix themselves. And we cannot fix them.

There have been many times when I've heard friends say "Why should I have to be doing all of this recovery work? My parents screwed me up. Why should I have to do all of this? My other friends don't have to do it." This is a red flag. It shows resistance and that the person would rather stay stuck and play the blame game than work at being an emotionally and mentally healthy person.

Sometimes friends admit they aren't attending their recovery meetings and they think they're doing fine without them. This is also a red flag. It means they have lapsed back into their old familiar, comfortable addictive patterns. They may even admit that they aren't seeing their sponsor anymore, or if that their sponsor has been unavailable. If we challenge them to find a new sponsor, they may use a cop out excuse like "I hate to dump her and find a new one. I don't want to hurt her feelings." Another red flag.

An additional red flag appears when you are able to appologize for your mistakes in the relationship, but they aren't willing to apologize or take ownership of their own mistakes in the relationship.

These are obvious signs that the friend has basically given up on recovery. They most likely don't believe they're worth the effort and they don't want to invest in making their lives manageable and healthy. In these types of situations, we need to make a hard choice. And sometimes that hard choice is that we have to cut them off by detaching with love.

We do this, not because we no longer love them: We do love them. But we know we can't fix them and we also know that we can't help someone who doesn't want to help him or herself. If we stick with the relationship, we will experience misery. So we have to let go.

In doing so, we can place the person in God's hands and trust God to take care of them. Only a Higher Power can do for them what we are unable to do. So I always encourage people to detach with love. Continually pray for that person you love but who is beyond your help. Pray that they will finally decide they are worthy of a happy, healthy life and that they return to working their Recovery program seriously.

If they do, then you can rekindle the relationship with them and there can be a future for the two of you as friends, or possibly more.