Never Accept Sex When You Really Want Love



Codependents are often very compliant. We often enter recovery with a strong need to please other people in order to earn our self-worth, to earn love. One of the most dangerous compliance patterns for codependents, and sex-love addicts, is that some of us accept sexual acting-out when we really want love. And this acting-out eventually leads us to experience feelings of self-betrayal, abuse, disappointment, shame, guilt and anger.

 I remember one of the first CODA meetings I attended at the Steps Alano Club in St. Louis, Missouri. A woman stood up and admitted that she felt so unlovable and so worthless that she had developed a pattern of behavior in which she engaged in sex with anyone who showed even the slightest interest in her. It was the only way she knew how to medicate away her emotional pain about feeling like a worthless person. She even admitted to having sex with men she actually despised because she was so desperate for some form of affirmation, of affection, even though deep down, she knew she was simply abusing herself and allowing someone else to use her to sexually gratify himself-- and then toss her aside like an empty beer bottle.

 So many people with addictive personalities mistake the slightest bit of attention they receive from another person for love. We are so racked with self-loathing that we desperately want someone to show us attention and to offer us some form of affection, even if their only purpose is to sexually abuse us. Addictive personalities live in the extremes: Simple sexual attention = love. And it's not until we experience the tremendous pain of using and abusing ourselves, and the pain of being used and abused by others, that we reach a point of awakening.

 Pain is a warning sign that something inside of us needs to change. First, we need to realize that no one is going to truly love us and engage in love-based sex with us until we first learn to love and value ourselves. Once we accept that we are lovable and valuable people we will no longer confuse lust with love; and we will no longer allow another person to sexually abuse us for their own lustful gratification. We will no longer allow ourselves to be used and tossed aside like an empty object.

 Instead, our sexuality will be grounded in authentic love, in genuine intimacy and soul-connection with another person. It will be sex based in mutual love, respect and commitment. We will no longer settle for sex without love because we will have learned to love, honor and respect ourselves and the other person, as well.

 If we are engaging in sex from a place of emptiness and lack of self-worth, we are abusing ourselves and allowing ourselves to be abused. And we will always experience guilt and shame as a result. If we engage in sex from a place of self-love and love of the other person, we will experience fulfillment and happiness. Think about it.

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