Soulshine

I’m currently working on a new retreat I call Creating Kindness , and in the process, I’ve realized that there’s one important character defect that keeps us from being kind—and it’s bitterness. I’ve learned that, on a subconscious level, I still have a great deal of unresolved bitterness that causes me to be resentful. And when I’m unconsciously motivated by bitterness, it’s really hard to be kind—to myself or others. Looking back, I realize that this hidden bitterness has been haunting me for a long time. I can look back 30 years to family gatherings where I wanted to be open and happy and enjoy myself, but couldn’t. Why? Because a huge wall of bitterness surged forward inside of me. It was screaming “You can’t be happy! You’re angry with these people and the hurt they’ve inflicted on you! Show them how miserable they’ve made your life!” And so I did. I moped and sat quietly at family gatherings, refusing to participate in any healthy, happy way. The bitterness was overwhelming

Feelings can be fabulous and feelings can be a nightmare. Those of us with addictive personalities have had a lifetime of struggle with our feelings. For the most part, I’m used to allowing my feelings to walk all over me. I’ve allowed myself to be powerless against the weight of fear, anxiety, sadness, etc. But recently I learned that I have great positive power when it comes to my feelings. In July I switched my OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) medication from Zoloft to Prozac. It was a rough transition that left me feeling frightened and anxious a good deal more than I am accustomed to feeling. The doctor and I finally worked out a proper dosage for me and I seemed to be adjusting well when one morning I woke-up and I felt extremely frightened. I got up, made some breakfast, sat down and said to myself “Enough is enough! I’m sick to death of feeling frightened and anxious! I refuse to continue to be a hostage to my feelings! I refuse to feel anxious today!” Within a mat