Emotional Availability Begins With Me


“I do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom I am attracted.”
Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence Manual

For most of my life I was attracted to people who were completely unavailable—emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. I could walk into a room filled with people and make a beeline for the neediest person present. Somehow I was always attracted to the perpetual victim or martyr; to the person whose life was so messed-up, who had no hope of it getting better, and who—in truth—didn’t want their life to get better. All they wanted was someone to help them stay stuck in their misery: Me.

Today I can look back and blame all of those perpetual victims I chose to rescue (quite unsuccessfully, by the way); or I can take responsibility for my own failed behavior—after all, none of those people begged me to fix them. I jumped in with both feet and took it upon myself to become their savior. And so today I choose to take personal responsibility for my own mistakes—even if they were done in a mental and emotional stupor. By doing so, I grieve the fact that my own dysfunctional patterns of behavior caused me pain—not the people I took hostage—and I embrace that pain until it sets me free of the past.

I don’t really have any hard feelings toward any of the perpetual victims that I emotionally took hostage. They did me no more harm than I did them—or myself. Realizing that most of them will probably never be free of their victim mentality, because they continually choose not to be free, I feel sorrow for them. And I am thankful that I found a way out of my self-deprecating emotional and mental fog.

Now, I can see clearly enough to know when I am feeling an attraction to an emotionally unavailable martyr or perpetual victim. And on those occasions where I stumble back onto the path of an emotionally unavailable attraction, it doesn’t take very long for the veil of denial to lift and I am able to withdraw gracefully from furthering the association. Little harm is done and I can be thankful for the progress I’ve made instead of beating myself up for having had a speck in my eye once more.

It’s not that hard to recognize an emotionally unavailable person. They are usually overwhelmed with problems—most of which they create for themselves to maintain their identities as victims of life. And they are always talking about their problems. It’s all you ever hear about. Every time they call you it’s because they have a new crisis to complain about. Their phone calls are never about your well-being. They are never nurturing, joyful or life-giving. When you are talking with them, you feel yourself gearing-up into rescue mode, your neediness is heightened because you feel the pressure to save this person, and your fear runs wild because you are afraid that if you fail to rescue them, they will abandon you.

Get in touch with those feelings—become emotionally available to yourself-- and any veil of denial will be lifted from your eyes. You will know that you have once again caged yourself into a codependent trap and that you need to compassionately get yourself out of it. You can do that by detaching with love. No one is to blame. You made one more mistake on your path to success, and no one is ever successful without making numerous mistakes along their path. Every recognized mistake is a stepping stone toward emotional freedom and the ability to finally build healthy, loving relationships with people who are emotionally available. Once we are honestly emotionally available to ourselves, we will see the Light of success in the here and now. And once we are emotionally available to ourselves, we can choose to be emotionally available to others and thus attract people who are emotionally available into our lives.

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