All of Your Answers Are Inside of You

Many people know something is wrong inside of them. They just don’t know what it is. And they—like most people-- are prone to look for an easy outside-of-myself fix. It almost never occurs to any of us to look inside ourselves for the proper fix. So, these people often assume companionship is what’s missing from their lives. They decide that once they find the right lifetime companion, they’ll feel fine with themselves and life will be good. “Yes. That’s it!” they think. “Once I get married, I’ll be OK!”

So they find a companion, get married and eventually they discover that there’s still something wrong inside of them. They are still fearful and anxious and feeling far from OK. A new fix is needed, since the marriage fix obviously didn’t take. And often times the next outside fix becomes a newborn child. “Yes. That’s it!” they think. “Once we have a baby, I’ll be OK!”

So they conceive, a child is born and eventually they discover that there’s still something wrong inside of them. They are still fearful and anxious. And as the child grows to resemble and act more and more like them, they find that they are even more anxious. Why? Because this child is hitting on all of their insecurities—the very ones that they needed to look inside of themselves to find and heal, instead of looking outside of themselves.

At this point, it seems logical that Mom or Dad would realize that the problem really does lie inside of them. The fact that they are seeing things in their child that make them even more uncomfortable with themselves seems like a big wake-up call, but it rarely is. Instead of realizing that they feel a great deal of shame about themselves—and especially those parts of themselves that their child is mirroring—and seeking help to face and heal those areas, Mom or Dad are more likely to start acting-out from their deep, dark places of inner-shame.

Instead of seeking help, Mom or Dad may blame the child for making them feel worse about themselves. And they may resort to mistreating the child every time he/she hits on a nerve that makes Mom or Dad feel even more inadequate. It may be that the child has certain body features that Mom or Dad have and feel insecure about; or it may be that the child acts in a certain way that mirrors a part of Mom or Dad that they are deeply uncomfortable with seeing. Either way, the child—who is innocent—suffers unjustly. And, unfortunately, the child will grow to truly mirror his/her parents in the unhealthiest of ways—mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically—for having been shamed and abused by Mom or Dad.

So what’s the solution? Young adults who know something is wrong inside of them, who feel uncomfortable with themselves, need to look INSIDE for their solutions. Attaching to another person, through marriage or any other means, is not going to fix your inner-problems. Neither is a newborn child or any other outside solution. The problem is inside of you and only you—and your Higher Power—can fix that problem. All of your answers are inside of you.

Understanding that the problem is inside of you and that only an inner-fix will suffice is the first step. The second step is surrendering what you can’t do to help yourself to a Higher Power. The third step is to seek out a therapist who can help you get in-touch with the wounded places inside of you. Some people also like to seek out a spiritual director who can help them see their own beauty through the eyes of God.

Over time, after we have healed the shame inside of us and we have built a good relationship with ourselves, we can think about looking for companionship and begin the process of building good relationships with others. These relationships then become choices for complementing our happiness, not solutions for making us OK or happy. Eventually, we may then grow into being healthy happy lifetime companions for others as well as healthy happy parents of healthy happy children.