Approval Is a Gift You Need to Give to Yourself

“Courage is a natural part of my being. By facing life I transcend it.”

Stuart Wilde, Affirmations

Everyone is inherently courageous. Courage is a natural feeling. It’s also a fleeting feeling. We have moments when we are able to stand our ground and speak our truth, but we also have moments when we cower behind the curtains, filled with fear of rejection or annihilation. This is true for everyone. The important thing to understand is that courage isn’t about being free of fear. It’s about transcending the fear. And we have to face our fear in order to rise above it.

People who are in the throes of the codependent crazies generally have trouble being courageous. This is why compliance is a major problem for codependents. Long ago we rejected and abandoned ourselves, and so the thought of being rejected or abandoned by others becomes an overwhelming fear. Deep inside, we fear that one more rejection will annihilate us from within; that we’d simply implode into nothingness. So we choose to remain loyal to people who feed us crumbs of love while showering us with constant abuse. We hide our true feelings, opinions, likes and dislikes from them, and we alter our beliefs to please them and most everyone else.

I remember when I was younger, there were times when I actually mustered-up some real comfort standing in my own shoes, being around people and socializing. It was as if I could see the “promised land” of being acceptable. I’d be talking, expressing myself and feeling pretty good. Then I’d voice an opinion, a like or dislike, or a belief and someone would immediately speak-up in a disapproving manor. I was crushed and I truly did implode within my soul. It made no difference if is was a minor difference of opinion, or if the other person tore my beliefs to shreds, the result inside me was the same: An overwhelming, annihilating feeling of total shame and worthlessness. The very fact that someone disagreed with me completely destroyed my sense of belonging. To me, it meant I was different and didn’t fit-in. And everyone knew it now. So I’d cower back to my own private Desolation Boulevard and die another death.

Things got so bad that I wouldn’t express a thought, a feeling, a belief, an opinion or a like until everyone else had expressed theirs. I’d totally played it safe and then I’d agree with whomever I was anxious to please the most in that given moment—even if deep down I detested the belief he/she espoused. It was more important for me to fit-in at all costs than it was to be truthful about who I was, or to honor my real self. I constantly gave up my truth to please others and to win their approval.

But no more. Today I do a much better job of expressing who I am. Courage comes more naturally. I speak my truth and I don’t worry so much about people disagreeing with me. Oh sure, at times the old doubts and fears surface and I’m aware of them. I feel them and allow them to be. I don’t fight them. I know they represent an unhealed part of me from the past. So I don’t empower them and they don’t keep me from expressing what I really believe, even if I know people will disagree with me. I can stand on my own two feet now because recovery has helped me to feel better about myself and because I now realize that people can disagree and still fit-in with each other. Disagreeing with others doesn’t mean we don’t belong, or that they don’t belong. And it doesn’t mean we can’t be friends or lovers. It just means that we see things differently and we can chose to accept each other in our differences and still like each other. No one has to be rejected for being different or seeing things differently. And if people want to reject me for disagreeing with them, well, we’re better off parted anyway.

If the codependent crazies are keeping you from being true to yourself, then get to some meetings and start the work of expressing your true self in a safe environment. The more you experience the acceptance of your true self, the stronger you will be and you will be less likely to comply with others simply to gain their approval. Approval is a gift you need to give to yourself.