Every Healthy Relationship Requires the Ability to Work-Through Misunderstandings

Functional communication is essential to every relationship. I grew up in an alcoholic household where we never really learned to communicate with each other. It wasn't OK for me, as a child or a teenager, to speak my own truth, have my own opinions or voice anything unless it echoed my parents.

I also learned to make assumptions instead of inquiries. For example, someone in the family aimed a comment toward me, and instead of learning to ask "What did you mean by that?", I learned to assume they meant the worst and to quietly take it shame-faced on the chin. I also learned to have unrealistic expectations of others without voicing them. People were supposed to somehow know (mind reading?) that I had these expectations, and when or if they didn't live up to my expectations, I learned to give them the cold shoulder, or silent treatment.

There was no possible hope of actually understanding anyone in my family, much less coming to positive terms over our misunderstandings, which were numerous and painful.

Today, I try to never make assumptions, and when I do, I have gotten pretty good at catching myself at having made an assumption before it can cause a problem between another person and me. I also do a much better job of keeping my expectations to a minimum and making sure that they are reasonable and voiced to other people, because no one is a mind-reader. And I also remind myself that I can have all of the expectations I want, but NO ONE is required to live up to them. And likewise, I'm not required to live up to someone else's expectations of me.

If we find ourselves disappointed with each other, I also know now how to engage in appropriate conversations about our misunderstandings, how to take responsibility for my mistakes in the situation and how to come to a peaceful resolution to any problems that have arisen due to our misunderstanding.

It's great when we get to know other people well enough to understand them and all of their quirks, and vice-versa. But it's even better when we have the proper tools to work through any misunderstandings we may have between us.

And this is what Recovery programs, the 12 Steps, a Higher Power and our own choice to learn new behaviors and change from our old ways give us!