Red Flags Are a Sign of Toxic Attraction to Another Person



As a recovering codependent, I’ve begun to notice the difference between people who love you for who you are and people who love you for what you do for them. Truth is we shouldn’t have to do anything to be loved by another person, aside from simply being our true selves.

Whenever we feel the need to change ourselves, or to do things to please another person, we are witnessing red flags. If we notice ourselves giving up the things we really love, and taking on the interests of someone we are attracted to, this is a major red flag.

These red flags have an important message for us: We have re-engaged in addictive attraction to a person who is not healthy for us. Something about this person is subconsciously reminding us of our mother or father, or some other toxic person from our past. And we are feeling the same need to please this new person that we experienced when our parents or other significant adults insisted we do the same for them when we were children. We are jumping through someone else’s hoops to earn their approval and love, instead of being true to ourselves.

Authentic emotionally healthy people are going to love us just the way we are. And, when we’re emotionally healthy, we will love them in the same way. This doesn’t mean we will always agree with each other’s opinions, like/dislikes or behaviors. It simply means that we will love each other and neither of us will feel the need to change the other person. This is authentic love.

Authentic, healthy people will love us no matter what we do, while emotionally unhealthy people will never actually love us no matter how much we change to earn their love. Toxic people only “love” us for what we are willing to do for them. They have no ability to simply love us for who we are. So, yes: Go where the love is. Go with the people you can feel naturally comfortable around just being you, while feeling no need to change or do things to keep them hooked on you.


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