Soulshine

Sometimes it’s difficult learning to stand up for ourselves. We are so used to backing-off because we feel like we don’t really count in this world. Everyone else has a right to their beliefs, opinions and needs—but not us. So we stand silently by and give our power away. We stuff our feelings and lay down like doormats for others. Then, once we’re alone, we allow our feelings to explode all over us. We replay the situation through our heads over and over, we get angry, mad as hell and revengeful. As we replay the scene again and again, we punish ourselves. We may be angry with the other person(s), but we’re mostly angry with ourselves. Well, it’s time to stop laying down and rolling over before others. It’s time to start owning our power by believing that we are good enough, equal with everyone and that our wants and needs DO COUNT. I belong to an MP3 service that charges my account every month for $20. I found out the hard way that if I don’t buy $20 worth of MP3s in a give...

“Man with no relatives has few problems.” Sidney Toler (as Charlie Chan), Charlie Chan in Panama I don’t know if this quote from the 1940s Charlie Chan series of movies is actually ancient Chinese wisdom or simply Hollywood pop-psychology. But it certainly rings of an eternal truth. No one causes us more headaches than family members do. In fact, most of our problems in this life began with the dysfunctional parenting abilities of our mothers and fathers. Their dysfunction quickly spread to every member of our nuclear families, and was often reinforced by the dysfunctional “wisdom” of our grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Yet the one family member who has probably done us the most damage is ourselves. Think about it. When we feel powerless around other members of our families, it’s because we have chosen to continually give our power away to them. We may blame them for victimizing us, but we are the ones who have actually victimized ourselves by not setting proper b...

I haven’t written anything recently because I honestly haven’t had anything to say that hasn’t already been said. If I could sum up everything I’ve ever said, it would come down to this: Living a harmonious life, one in which you maintain an overall sense of well-being, is as simple as “live and let live.” In other words, own the power that is yours to own and let go of your need to usurp power that is not yours to own. If you love yourself enough to own your personal power, to set proper boundaries with others, to love and treat yourself with kindness, to respect yourself by speaking up for your needs and honoring yourself, then you will be half way to happiness. Likewise, if you love others enough to allow them to own their personal power, to set their own boundaries, to allow them to be who they are and not who you want them to be, if you treat them with love, kindness and proper respect, then your happiness—and theirs—will be complete. These are two sides of the sa...

“I LOST all regard for someone who caused me pain. I FOUND understanding of a person whose background was different from mine. Longfellow once said ‘If you were to read the secret histories of your enemies, you would find in each man’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.’” John A. Jenson, Lost & Found Everyone’s story is different because everyone’s experiences are uniquely their own. We all have our own “secret histories.” Our histories may overlap with those of many people, but no one else in this world shares our exact same history with us. There’s no possible way for someone else to fully understand how we think, how we truly feel, or what it is that motivates our behavior. They have not walked in our shoes or been called by our names. We often don’t even understand our own behavior, especially when that behavior causes pain. So how could anyone else possibly understand? Unless they have somehow existed under our skin, they can’t. The flip side of this...

For many people, Halloween is a time of celebrating their true selves—at least subconsciously. Yes, people dress up in costumes to supposedly hide their true identities, but my guess is that more people than not are actually projecting their true identities through the costumes they choose to wear for this one annual evening of let-loose festivities. They take off the Average Joe costume that they were 364 days of the year and put on a costume that better suits who they really believe themselves to be. There are many men who are Clark Kent by day simply because that was the false-self thrust upon them as they were growing up. Deep down inside they know that their true-self is more of a Superman. The same is true for many women who on this one night get to let their hair down and be more like the J. Lo or Helen Mirren who is daily trapped inside them behind a false Plain Jane façade. They may all think that they’re masquerading as someone opposite of who they really are, but I’d wage...

What can separate you from the love of being yourself? Fear, or prejudice, or societal standards, or religion, or hate, or shame? Look closely at this list and you will see that everything listed comes from outside of you, at least initially. Even feelings, like fear and shame, are brought about by outside influences or experiences. A child can’t fear a hot iron until he/she has been burned by one; and nobody can know what shame feels like until he/she has experienced and learned it through being shamed by someone outside of him/herself. There is great danger in seeking approval from outside of yourself. Yet, as children, we are rarely taught to look inside and to seek our own inner-approval. Most of us learn early in life to seek approval from outside, and this way of thinking can easily separate us from the love of being ourselves. Whenever we seek approval from outside sources, we give away our emotional power to the very people whose approval we are seeking. It’s like giving th...