Who Are You Holding Hostage?

Sometimes we take another person hostage within our hearts. Subconsciously, we want this person to give us something. And that something is usually the same something we wanted and needed our mothers or fathers to give us, like love, approval, affirmation, warmth or a sense of belonging. Mom and Dad weren’t able to give us these things. For whatever reason, they didn’t have them to give. And more often than not, the persons that we tend to take hostage in our hearts are exactly like Mom and Dad. They are equally unable to give us what we want and need because they don’t have it to give.

The problem is that we rarely understand this. We don’t get it that the very people we are most attracted to are the very people who are most like our emotionally unavailable parents. This doesn’t mean that they aren’t good people. They may be kind, attentive and generous in other ways, but when it comes to what we really need from them—love and affirmation—their wellsprings have long been dry.

No one can give us something they don’t possess. And too often we don’t understand this. We expect that they should be able to give us the love and approval that we so desperately need from them. When they default on our demands, we then become frustrated and angry with them. And then many of us go storming out of the relationship disappointed and feeling even less lovable than we did before we entered it.

The point I’m making here is that we need to know and understand our own behavior when we are making demands on other people-- in addition to understanding their behavior. First we need to understand that certain other people we are attracted to are emotionally unavailable. In fact, that IS the attraction-- the very fact that they ARE emotionally unavailable just like Mom or Dad. Secondly, we need to understand that we are emotionally demanding that they give us the love that they do not have to give. We need to understand that we are trying to squeeze lemonade out of a rock. And we need to stop it.

And we also need to gain great insight to this: Just because we finally get what’s happening—the fact that this person cannot give us what we want—doesn’t mean that in our minds and hearts we aren’t still expecting that they should still be giving it to us. I’ve discovered that even when I realize that someone can’t give me what I want from them, deep down I am still wanting them to give it to me anyway. And I’m still treating them like they should be able to give me the love I want. This is because I haven’t fully accepted the fact that they are incapable and that I need to surrender my desires to a Higher Power, accept that this person can’t love me the way that I need them to and let go of my inner mental and emotional demands that they be able to do so.

If you are currently taking someone hostage in your heart take a few moments to understand your attraction to this person, to understand whether or not they are emotionally available and to understand whether or not they are equipped to meet the emotional demands you are placing on them. If they are not emotionally available to you—or anyone—then ask God to help you release them. Understand that the fact that they can’t give you the love you need isn’t about you, it’s about them. It doesn’t mean that you are unlovable. It just means that you have chosen the wrong person to meet your emotional needs. Release this person with love, understanding that he/she may still be a good friend to you, and that they, too, are broken inside in ways that are every bit as painful for them as your own brokenness is painful for you.

Detach with love and then be open to meeting people who are emotionally available and who can give you the emotional nurturing that you need.