If You Were Falsely Branded by a Parent, It’s Time to Reclaim Your True Self

“Is it the facts you want about my daughter, or Lisa’s fancies?

Charlotte was a late child. There were three boys and then,

after a long time, this girl. A child of my old age,

I’ve always called her… my ugly duckling.

Of course it’s true that all late children are marked.”

Mrs. Vale, Now Voyager (1942)

Sometimes a child is negatively marked or branded by a parent. Sometimes a mom, who has always felt ugly, sees too many of her own hated physical features in a particular daughter; or sometimes a dad, who has always felt stupid, sees too many of his personality traits in a particular son. These parents project their own self-loathing onto their children.

Mom brands the daughter who looks like her “my ugly duckling” and dad brands the son who just can’t seem to get a math equation right “you stupid numbskull!” If these children then accept these labels (lies) as valid, they will brand themselves with them. Every time the daughter looks in the mirror she will repeat the words “my ugly duckling” until she accepts them by saying “I am an ugly duckling.” She will then come to believe that she is indeed ugly and she will begin to feel worthless and unlovable.

The same holds true for the son. Every time he is faced with a math problem he can’t begin to solve, he will hear the words “you stupid numbskull” until he learns to accept these words as his own. Then, when he makes a mistake, he will say to himself “I am such a stupid numbskull.” And he will eventually become what he is believing about himself.

I remember talking to a woman several years ago who told me she had always felt ugly. She could trace this feeling back into her childhood. She remembered her mother saying to her one day “If you want to know what a beautiful girl looks like, look at one of your sisters.” I was taken aback by this statement. My immediate thought was “Why would a mother say something so hurtful to her daughter?” Then the lady said “You know the funny thing is that I had a better relationship with my mother than my sisters did.”

Those words gave me an important clue into the mother’s thinking. It’s very possible that mom had always felt like the ugly duckling herself. She then saw herself in this particular daughter and she told her she was the ugly duckling for the sole purpose of bonding with the daughter. Now, they had something in common that they could commiserate over.

But even if mom hadn’t meant to hurt the daughter with her words, she did. Her only intent may have been to bond with her daughter and be closer to her, but she put a “brand” on the daughter that destroyed her self-love and self-esteem.

The good news is that no “brand” mark has to last forever. If we were branded “ugly” or “Stupid” or “worthless” by a parent, we can undo the harm. We can stop branding ourselves by turning our negative “brands” into positive ones. We can replace “I am ugly” with “I am lovely” or “I am handsome.” If we have made “I am so stupid” into a lifetime mantra, we can replace it with “I am intelligent” or “I am clever.”

The more we repeat these positive “I Am” affirmations, the more we will come to rely on them and believe them. As a result, we will begin to look in the mirror and see a much more attractive and intelligent person looking back at us and our behavior will begin to mirror our new-found beliefs about ourselves.

Anyone wanting to know more about taking their power back through positive “I Am” statements needs to get a copy of Howard Falco’s book I AM. Then begin the process of reclaiming your truly beautiful self.