Soulshine

“Darla repeatedly phoned the man she was dating despite his objections. The rejection she received validated her preexisting feelings of abandonment, unworthiness and anger at men.” Darlene Lancer , Conquering Shame and Codependency Codependency leads many of us into self-sabotaging behaviors. I remember a time when I felt so needy inside, so unworthy to even exist, that I thought I was going to die if I didn’t have someone validate my worth to even breathe air. At that time, I had just latched-on to a new “best” friend. Sometimes I felt like his lap dog. I needed him to constantly pat me on the head, tell me I was OK and reassure me that I was a good person and that he liked me. If I got that affirmation from him in the morning, it might last me all day, maybe even a couple of days, before I needed to have a new avalanche of affirmation about my worth. I do remember days, though, where once a day wasn’t enough. I needed affirmation after breakfast, after lunch, lat...

“Love says, ‘I love you no matter what.’ Love says, ‘You’re fine the way you are.’ …If you think he’s supposed to be different From what he is, you don’t love him. In that Moment you love what he’s going to be when You’re through manipulating him. He is a throwaway Until he matches your image of him.” Byron Katie, A Friendly Universe Codependents like to remake/remodel people in their own image and likeness. We attach ourselves to people we believe we can fix, or manipulate into being what we want them to be. We are never in love with the person just as he or she is. We are infatuated with what we can make them into in order to ensure our own happiness. Before recovery I consistently struck up relationships with people who were needier than I was. My pattern of thinking was simple: This person is so needy that they won’t be able to resist me. I’ll shower them with attention and do all of the things for them that they should be doing for themselves. After I ...

“God, spare me from the desire for love, approval or appreciation. Amen.” Byron Katie, A Friendly Universe On average, codependents suffer greatly from their deep-rooted desire for love, approval and appreciation from others; and it’s easy to understand why. As children we never received the love, approval (affirmation) or appreciation we needed from our parents. This left a gaping black hole in our souls; one that grew ever larger as we became adults. When a child doesn’t receive the proper love, affirmation and nurturing from parents, he/she never learns how to love, affirm and nurture him/herself. The black hole in the soul develops and it increases because the child lacks the tools to turn inside and nurture him/herself. Life then becomes an endless circle of searching outside one’s self for love, approval and appreciation. As a result, the child develops a codependency. If he/she never receives any help, he/she then becomes a codependent teenager, a codepende...