Learn to Validate Yourself

“Darla repeatedly phoned the man she was dating despite his objections. The rejection she received validated her preexisting feelings of abandonment, unworthiness and anger at men.”

Darlene Lancer, Conquering Shame and Codependency

Codependency leads many of us into self-sabotaging behaviors. I remember a time when I felt so needy inside, so unworthy to even exist, that I thought I was going to die if I didn’t have someone validate my worth to even breathe air.

At that time, I had just latched-on to a new “best” friend. Sometimes I felt like his lap dog. I needed him to constantly pat me on the head, tell me I was OK and reassure me that I was a good person and that he liked me. If I got that affirmation from him in the morning, it might last me all day, maybe even a couple of days, before I needed to have a new avalanche of affirmation about my worth.

I do remember days, though, where once a day wasn’t enough. I needed affirmation after breakfast, after lunch, late in the afternoon; and my neediness was beginning to wear my friend out completely. It caused me to become a drain on his energy.

So I can really relate to Darla’s story above. When my friend grew impatient with me or didn’t have time to make me feel good about myself, he’d push me away. Because I took everything very personally, his distancing himself proved to me that I really was unworthy of anyone’s friendship. It reinforced my feelings of inferiority, of being a disappointment to my parents and of being unworthy of love or attention. And it certainly sent my fears of being abandoned by this friend off the scale.

Even after 19 years of recovery, I still sometimes have to cope with these dreaded needy feelings of unworthiness. And I will feel the force inside of me wanting me to reach out and bombard a friend with my need for attention and affirmation. It’s a horrible feeling and sometimes I still give-in to it when I really just need to let it be.

When we feel that deep-seated neediness, we have a choice. We can act on it and drive people we love crazy, actually pushing them away from us. Or we can sit with the feeling and just let it be. What the feeling is really telling us is that we are still wounded inside and we need to validate ourselves, first and foremost.

We need to reassure ourselves that we are worthy of love, attention and all that is good. So we need to sit down with our Higher Power and ask God to help us love ourselves better. Once we feel better balanced in our skin, we can reach out to someone we love, and if they also validate us, well then that’s icing on the cake.