Real Love Says “You’re Fine the Way You Are.”



“Love says, ‘I love you no matter what.’
Love says, ‘You’re fine the way you are.’
…If you think he’s supposed to be different
From what he is, you don’t love him. In that
Moment you love what he’s going to be when
You’re through manipulating him. He is a throwaway
Until he matches your image of him.”
Byron Katie, A Friendly Universe

Codependents like to remake/remodel people in their own image and likeness. We attach ourselves to people we believe we can fix, or manipulate into being what we want them to be. We are never in love with the person just as he or she is. We are infatuated with what we can make them into in order to ensure our own happiness.

Before recovery I consistently struck up relationships with people who were needier than I was. My pattern of thinking was simple: This person is so needy that they won’t be able to resist me. I’ll shower them with attention and do all of the things for them that they should be doing for themselves. After I complete my great makeover of them, they will be so grateful for all I have done, that they will love me forever. And once they are exactly what I want them to be, I will love them forever!

Unfortunately, this type of thinking has nothing to do with love and everything to do with selfishness. Real love is all about loving a person just the way he/she is. Real love is never about changing another person. Instead, it’s about learning to accept the things we don’t necessarily like about a person, and loving them despite these things.

I have a good friend that I love a lot. Recently he said to me “You know, yesterday when you got on me for eating a corn dog, it really bothered me.” I said I was sorry. In my own defense, he has consistently said to me that he needs to lose 37 pounds. And, of course, eating a mid-afternoon corn dog isn’t going to help him lose that extra weight. So I thought I was helping him by discouraging him from eating the corn dog, but I wasn’t. It was his choice to make and my focus shouldn’t have been on him and his own personal choice to eat the corn dog. My focus should have been on me. Personally, I don’t care how thin or fat he is. He’s my friend and I love him for who he is. So I learned another lesson in accepting people as they are and not as I think they should be. And I learned a lesson in keeping my focus on me.

Recovery teaches us that real love is about accepting everyone, including ourselves, just the way we all are. Love is never about remaking or remodeling anyone. I’ve learned to love my friends by looking beyond the surface. I look into their eyes and see their true essence inside their very souls. And I like what I see. I am then able to love what I see and there’s no need to change anything. The need to change them is usually tied to behavior. Behavior can include how they act or how they dress or groom themselves. And the temptation is always there to want to make someone dress, groom or act the same way we do. That’s a temptation that says “No” to love.

I’m learning to allow love to trump those bad old temptations to make people over in my image and likeness. Cause real love truly does say “You’re fine the way you are.”

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