Ground Yourself in Inner Love, Approval and Appreciation

“God, spare me from the desire for love, approval or appreciation. Amen.”

Byron Katie, A Friendly Universe

On average, codependents suffer greatly from their deep-rooted desire for love, approval and appreciation from others; and it’s easy to understand why. As children we never received the love, approval (affirmation) or appreciation we needed from our parents. This left a gaping black hole in our souls; one that grew ever larger as we became adults.

When a child doesn’t receive the proper love, affirmation and nurturing from parents, he/she never learns how to love, affirm and nurture him/herself. The black hole in the soul develops and it increases because the child lacks the tools to turn inside and nurture him/herself.

Life then becomes an endless circle of searching outside one’s self for love, approval and appreciation. As a result, the child develops a codependency. If he/she never receives any help, he/she then becomes a codependent teenager, a codependent young adult and eventually a codependent adult. With each step toward adulthood, the hole inside becomes larger and thus the person becomes more and more desperate for outside love, approval and appreciation.

I’ve spent my entire life trying to please and caretake people into loving me, into giving me their stamp of approval and into appreciating every little sacrifice I’ve made for them. Or rather for me. Recovery has taught me that all of the people-pleasing and sacrificial caretaking I’ve done over my lifetime has actually been for me. The whole purpose of it all was to somehow fill-up the empty black hole in my soul.

But because that black hole is bottomless, it’s never been filled even for a few seconds by anyone else’s love, approval or appreciation. That’s impossible. Why? Because I’ve learned that only my own self-love, self-approval and self-appreciation, grounded in the love, approval and appreciation of my Higher Power, can fill-up my inner void.

This is why I love Byron Katie’s prayer. It’s time for every codependent to stop WANTING someone else’s love, approval or appreciation in order to feel OK. First and foremost we need our own love, approval and appreciation. We already have God’s. And once we start loving, approving of and appreciating ourselves, we won’t need anyone else’s.

That doesn’t mean we can’t value someone else’s love, approval and appreciation of us. We can value it and cherish it. But we will no longer be desperate for it. We will be grounded in ourselves and in our Higher Power and that will give us the proper perspective to see clearly that no outside person can make us OK with ourselves. Only we can fulfill that task.