Healing the Many Forms of Existence Guilt and Shame

Guilt and shame are big problems for many addicts, including codependents. We feel guilt and shame about many things. Some of us feel the general guilt/shame of not being good enough; some of us feel body guilt/shame; and some of us feel an overall existence guilt, as if we don’t have the right to exist at all.

Guilt/shame over not feeling worthy (or good enough), guilt/shame over our appearance (body) and existence guilt all go hand in hand. If we don’t feel good enough, that feeling can be rooted in many things; like not being a good enough son or daughter, or not being a good enough student, or not being a good enough person. Body guilt/shame is obviously about physical appearance. It might be that we feel we don’t have pretty enough hair, or we have feet that are too big, or we are too short, or we are too fat, or maybe we believe we just have an oddly shaped body that isn’t acceptable in the eyes of the world. All of these things combined can give us an over-arching existence guilt and shame.

As adults in recovery, we need to be aware of the guilt/shame that we carry within us. Sometimes we don’t have a clue about how it subconsciously affects us. I’ve only become conscious recently about the guilt and shame I still have about body-fat. In grade school I ballooned from being a skinny kid into being a fat one. Self-medicating with sugar and chips was the underlying cause for my weight gain. I was mercilessly made to feel guilty about my new body-fat and all of these years later, I still feel guilty and shameful about it.

Last year, I stopped emotionally medicating with sugar and dropped 30 pounds. Since that time, I’ve noticed that I immediately feel a deep-rooted shame/guilt if I regain even one pound. I not only feel guilt, but I feel worthless. And I feel the fear that people will find out and that I will be unacceptable for having regained weight.

Rationally, it seems ridiculous to feel this way about regaining a pound or two, but the fact of my guilt and shame are real. At least I understand it goes back to childhood and the wounded child who still feels worthless and guilty inside for being fat. The key is taking this awareness and using it to free myself from this guilt and shame.

First, I need to comfort the child inside of me that is still so wounded over being deemed unacceptable by others for simply being fat. Next I need to affirm the fact that my value isn’t based in how much I weight or don’t weight. Nor is it based in whether or not I look like I have a fashion-model perfect body when I walk out into public. Likewise, I need to remember that my value as a human being isn’t dependent on anyone else’s approval.

If you have a wounded inner-child that is still feeling worthless because he/she believes he/she wasn’t a good enough son or daughter, or wasn’t smart enough, or thin enough or tall enough, take time to comfort that child inside of you. Likewise, if your inner-child is wounded because you were born with cerebral palsy, or bi-polar disorder, or for ANY reason, take time to comfort him/her. Love them into wellness. Your Higher Power will help you.

In the process, you will also begin to love your adult self into wellness. You will become more aware of how childhood guilt and shame still affect your life today and you will be able to work on taking your personal power back from the past so that you can be free of any form of existence guilt. 

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