Hit Hard by Life? Let’s Grieve

“Have you ever been hit so hard by life that you just don’t care anymore?”
June Lang, Redhead (1934)

Yes. I have. That’s how I feel right now: Hit so hard by life that I can’t seem to muster enough interest to care anymore. I am facing the big birthday (the one that ends in 9) before the BIG Birthday. And looking back on my life, I realize that I have never been true to myself. I’ve long been true to my mother’s image of who I should be, to society’s image of who I should be and to the church’s image of who I should be. But I have never been true to who I authentically am.

And I don’t have any snappy recovery jargon to make everything rosy in light of this realization. People-pleasing to earn approval and love is so deeply ingrained in me and it has squeezed every ounce of happiness out of my life, year after year. This is true even after 20 years of recovery. I still wear the chains my mother imposed on me at age five. I’ve just never been able to shake myself free of them, and now, looking back I have many regrets.

There are those in recovery circles who say they never have regrets. I don’t see how. I was never intended by God to my mother’s or society’s slave. God gave me a life of my own and I have failed to use that life; to be fully alive in my own divine purpose.

I realize that what is hitting me so hard right now is my need to fully grieve these great loses that are emotionally eating me alive inside-out. We need to completely grieve our loses if we are to be free of them, and eventually free of our regrets. So today, and I guess for many days, I will be grieving. This process is going to be interrupted to some extent by a trip to Hong Kong/Bangkok that I am about to begin; or maybe it will be enhanced by it. I don’t know. I just know I have to bleed all of this remorse out of my system. And then I have to stop being who everyone else wants me to be and instead be true to me, no matter who may not like the real me.

This is what recovery is about: Taking back our personal power from life and all of those who have been leeches on our souls. Through grieving, I will peel-off the leeches one by one, release the need to people-please and move forward through guiding light.

God, help me to grieve and to reclaim myself 100 percent. Please help me to bounce-back into life fully alive by being authentically me. Amen.

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