Facing Uncomfortable Feelings

Addiction is an emotional dis-ease. It’s all about running away from our uncomfortable emotions (shame, in particular) and thus running toward addictive acting-out to drown those emotions into a comfortable state of numbness or euphoria or a false sense of happiness.

I was recently watching Sandra Bullock playing the role of “Gwen” in the film 28 Days. Gwen is either drunk or drugged-out all of the time. She’s constantly running from her shame through alcohol (or drugs), which causes her to do more shameful things, which causes her to feel worse about herself, which causes her to then drown herself in more alcohol and drugs. It’s an endless cycle of Gwen running from her feelings about herself.

Unfortunately, Gwen also has a partner-in-crime: Her fiancé Jasper. Jasper is equally as trapped in addictive acting-out. As the movie progresses, we learn that Jasper is actually a substitute for Gwen’s mother. Her mother was a hopeless alcoholic who died from her disease when Gwen was a youngster. As a result, Gwen has been subconsciously looking for someone who could give her the love she never received from her mother. And since Jasper’s behavior perfectly models that of her mother, Gwen is subconsciously hoping she can somehow right the wrong relationship she had with her mother through Jasper.

In her book Conquering Shame and Codependency, Darlene Lancer says people partner with their “fathers” or “mothers” because they “are driven by an unconscious need to heal those primary relationships… In magically restoring their longed-for parent, they’re seeking to heal shame and childhood wounds that get stirred-up by the intense emotions in their present relationship.”

This is exactly what’s happening with Gwen until she’s involved in a car accident. She’s sentenced to either 28 days in rehab or jail. She chooses rehab. Gwen is finally forced to face herself in rehab. All of her old means of escape are gone: No alcohol, no drugs, no cigarettes. She does suffer one relapse when Jasper visits and slips her a bottle of vicatin, but ultimately Gwen is forced to face herself and all of her uncomfortable feelings about herself. And it’s in facing her feelings and learning to grieve that Gwen finally finds solace and healing.

Darlene Lancer says that addicts “need to acknowledge their own emptiness, as painful as it may be. The feelings of shame about being alone and unlovable from childhood can then surface and be healed.” Once this grieving/healing process starts for Gwen, she is able to take her power back from her mother and the past. She is then able to start taking responsibility for her life and her behavior. She starts to feel comfortable in her own skin, is better able to talk about her feelings with others in her rehab support group and is even able to mend her broken relationship with her sister.

She’s also able to see Jasper for what he has really been to her: A substitute for her drunken mother. And she is able to walk away from Jasper when it’s obvious that he will never be anything but toxic for her.

This is how recovery works. It’s about facing ourselves and owning our uncomfortable feelings; it’s about grieving; it’s about opening up and sharing all of our feelings with others (like in a support group); it’s also about learning to be responsible for our lives and behaviors. All of these efforts then help us to better value and love ourselves. With every step forward, we feel better about who we are and our self-esteem grows beyond the need for addictive acting-out.