Are You An Enabler?

Codependents are infamous for engaging in enabling behaviors. These behaviors are always more about us (the codependent) than they are about the other person. We feel inferior and insecure and so we engage in caretaking—a serious form of enabling—in order to feel loved and needed by the other person.

We rarely recognize the fact that our caretaking/enabling behavior hurts both us and the other person. We drain ourselves by constantly being “on call” to meet every possible need or to solve every problem of the other person. We also inhibit that person’s ability to be responsible for him/herself, and we allow them to escape all possible consequences for their own behavior or poor choices.

How do we know if we are enablers? I have paraphrased a list of enabling characteristics offered by Tom Ferry in his book Life by Design. We are an enabler if we do any of the following:

1. We worry that someone else can’t handle life situations without our help.

2. We focus most of our attention on other people’s lives and problems.

3. We rationalize or make excuses for someone else’s bad behavior.

4. We feel compelled to constantly provide for someone who seems helpless.

5. We are over-protective.

6. We constantly feel responsible for other people’s lives and problems.

7. We feel manipulated by others, but keep on “helping” anyway.

8. We think we are the only person who can understand and help the other.

9. We always make ourselves available at the drop of a hat, even if we have other plans.

10.  We see ourselves in the other person.

If we are guilty of these or similar behaviors, we need to stop and desist immediately. These are destructive behaviors that simply keep us and the person we think we are helping trapped in addiction. We cannot change, rescue or save the other person. Nor can we be their super-hero. The only person we can change is us and the only behavior we can change is our own. So if we are struggling with enabling behaviors, we need to get to a support group, like CODA and learn how to break these patterns. It’s the only road to freedom.