Is the One Who Leaves You Crying REALLY the One That You Love?




"I heard you on the phone
You took his number
Said you were alone
That you will call him soon
Isn't he the guy
The guy who left you crying?
Isn't he the one
Who made you blue? Oh
When you remember those nights in his arms
You know you got to make up your mind
Are you gonna stay with the one who loves you?
Or are you going back to the one you love?
Someone's gonna cry when they know they lost you
Someone's gonna thank the stars above."
Glenn Frey, The One You Love (1982)

As someone in recovery for codependency, these lyrics take on new meaning for me today. Back in 1982, I simply thought that this was one of the most beautiful, emotionally moving songs I'd ever heard. I didn't realize at the time that I was actually the girl (so to speak) in the song who was always in love with the wrong person.
But now, when I look at these lyrics, I see how plainly and painfully true it is that I was the exact same type of person that Glenn Frey (of The Eagles) was singing about. I can look back today and remember numerous times when I was in love with someone who "left me crying," who made me blue. It was always a mental/emotional wound, never a physical one. But mental and emotional wounds affect us all physically and spiritually, whether we realize it or not.

Many times, as an active codependent back in the 1980s, when I was asked by someone who really loved me and really cared "Are you gonna stay with the one who loves you (the healthy one) or are you going back to the one you love (the unhealthy one)," the answer was always the same: "I'm going back to the unhealthy one;" which meant "I'm going back to the one who reawakens all my childhood trauma and chaos and I'm going to fix that person so we can live happily ever after." 

 Well, the trauma and chaos continued as it had in my childhood, but never once did I fix anyone. There was never a happily ever after. And, in the process, I lost several healthy potential partners who I might have been able to live happily ever after with had I known that I was codependent. And by "happily ever after," I'm not talking Disney-style. I realize that any one of those healthier relationships would have had it's problems, but they wouldn't have been insurmountable. We could have worked them out as two emotionally healthy people who were really in love.

 Actually, the last lines of the chorus to this song "Are you gonna stay with the one who loves you? Or are you going back to the one you love? Someone's gonna cry when they know they lost you. Someone's gonna thank the stars above," also have a whole new meaning to me today. I used to think that the one who was going to cry was the one who lost the girl and the one who was going to thank the stars above was the one-- most likely the abusive one-- who got her. Now, I think it's the reverse. The healthy guy, if he lost her, should be the one thanking the stars above because he just lost a codependent maniac. While the one she chose, the unhealthy guy, should be crying because there's no way on God's good earth that two mentally/emotionally unhealthy people, who are toxically attracted to each other, are EVER going to be happy.

Toxic, addictive attraction is NOT love. But toxic, addictive attraction is the only way people who are addicts can define "love." That's why their relationships always fail. They consistently choose the wrong person, the toxic person, and think they're headed toward love for life-- once they're able to fix the (other) toxic person-- which is impossible. If you don't know that you're addictively toxic, how are you going to fix someone else who's addictively toxic? And, in the end, the really sad part is that they always wave goodbye to the healthy person who really loves them as they choose to pursue the unhealthy person.

If you are still attracted to people who hurt you, you most likely have a codependency issue. Seek therapy and seek a good Codependents' Anonymous group. Grow into being a person who is healthy enough to respect yourself and smart enough to choose the "one you love" who truly loves you, too.



Comments

  1. AnonymousJuly 29, 2020 at 2:22 PM

    You wouldn't believe it , but I listened to this tune the other day after not hearing it for sometime, it was one of them moments when you get up and the tune pops in your head and you have to go listen to it, I then go on a well known music review site that we are friends on and see that my friend from across the sea hasn't been on for a long time, worried with this damn virus and especially how hard it has hit your country I click on the links on your profile and came across this article, once again I have connected to you through the music we both seem to like as I've always loved it as well. I'm glad to see you are well and still listening to great music.

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