As an Adult, Who Defines Who You Are? Your Parents? Others? Or Do You Define Who You Are? Miserable Feelings Reveal the Truth

 

It's one of THOSE days. I just feel miserable inside. I feel bluer than blue, but I can't cry--even though I feel the tears behind my eyes. I'd like to talk to someone, but I don't know who. I know this particular feeling. I've felt it a million times. It should be out of my system by now-- but it's not.

I refer to it as the Parental Wound. Some people have Maternal Wounds, others have Paternal Wounds, but I have both. And this feeling is like a disease I just can't shake away, feel away or face away. I've tried and tried.

I know we have to face feelings by FEELING them-- and allowing them to pass through us as they gradually wear themselves out. But this one never seems to be finally gone-- no matter how many times I face and feel it. And this makes me wonder if the feeling is a forever ghost from the past, or just a means of my being mean to myself-- when I have nothing else wrong in my life?

Sure. I realize I'm lonely. I left the West Coast a year ago and moved to Washington, D.C. In doing so, I left behind 16 years of friendships that I miss. And some of the people that I thought would keep up with me, have quietly forgotten me-- even when I have reached out to them. That hurts a lot. Of course, the fact that I'm an introvert has kept me from being a good socializer all my life, and I may have made some of those people feel like I wasn't as interested in staying in touch with them as I am. To make matters worse, introverts, like me, are notorious for being unable to reach out. Admittedly, I don't like calling people and talking on the phone.

So I'm writing this today in hopes of figuring out a solution. Everyone who grew up without the parental love and support they needed has a subconscious tendency to take the blame for their parents' behavior. We blame ourselves and then beat ourselves up-- again and again-- when we are only guilty of being ourselves and wanting to live our own lives. Over the years, every mistake becomes an unforgivable wound-- taking us another step away from being the "Good" boy or girl that mom and dad wanted us to be. And it's a wound that we beat ourselves up for every time we're faced with a new but similar situation that led to the original mistake.

Some days it's like deja-vu. I can feel the past haunting me as I experience a present situation that's similar to a past one-- and fears from the past begin eating up my insides. Does this just happen? Or do we do this to ourselves? When we feel the past haunting the present, can we simply dismiss it by saying "I'm not going to let the past control my present moments," or are we powerless over it?

 

Can we simply say "Stop being mean to yourself! Stop destroying your own natural happiness!" And release ourselves from the wounded past?

I mean, my Higher Power knows I've discussed all my family issues with enough therapists. I know what the problem is. I just don't know how to finally be rid of it.

Or maybe that's the problem: Wanting to be rid of it. Wanting to never have to face it or the bad feelings connected to it ever again. Maybe that's not possible and by fighting it-- by wanting to be totally free of something that I have no power to be free from-- all I'm really doing is making it all worse. I'm giving it tremendous power over me, when that's the last thing I really want to do.

Right now, I don't think it would hurt to scream "STOP BEING MEAN TO YOURSELF!" a few dozen times. Breathe. And then let go of what I'm powerless to change: The fact that my parents never loved me the way I needed to be loved-- and affirmed. They didn't have it to give and they couldn't give to me what they didn't even have for themselves.

Maybe there is a "secret" to happiness: Totally releasing the need to change the beginning, middle and last few days of our life stories. We do this by getting out of our heads-- the only place the PAST resides or has any reality. Accepting that the past is gone, it needs to be grieved, but it doesn't have to be repeated. 

Now is now. If everything is good in this moment, let's allow it to continue to be. We can only do that by staying out of our heads with their horrible thoughts like "what if" this or that is about to happen all over again? 

Truthfully, now I see we only repeat the past if we choose to do so. It doesn't just happen. We make it happen-- but we don't have to do that anymore.

I know this horrible feeling that's been plaguing me today started with thoughts. At first, I wasn't sure what thoughts brought it on. But after writing this out I realize now that I was haunted by "you have to be the good boy and do what you don't want to do" thoughts this morning. "If you don't do it, you'll be judged as the bad boy by everyone else." Oh-- and does that go back to my parents? YES!!!!!!!!!!!

To make matters worse, I did what I didn't want to do to be the "good boy" in other people's eyes this morning-- and guess what? Some of those other people didn't show up! The catch here is that if I had done what I wanted, I would have still felt guilty. But when I really think about it, I believe that guilt is more temporary. It doesn't do as much damage as when I replay being the "good boy" that my parents demanded I be by always being what they wanted-- instead of being who I am and doing what I want.

I don't know if this long rambling makes any sense to anyone else, but I think the lesson is this: Old, bad feelings from the past come roaring up through our guts when we choose to be who someone else wants us to be instead of being true to ourselves. My parents definition of "good boy" had less to do with right or wrong and everything to do with what they wanted me to be. Choosing to be ourselves and do what we want isn't being "bad." It's being true to ourselves. And every time we bend to be who someone else wants us to be, we suffer. We suffer the past all over again-- and the terrible pain of still choosing to be someone other than our true selves. We suffer from self-betrayal. We also suffer because the unhealed child inside of us still believes in the consequences that we will face if we don't play the "good" boy or girl-- the consequences that were forced on us by our parents.

My parents aren't even alive anymore. Why am I still imposing their desires and consequences on myself? I am. No one else is doing it to me-- which means I can stop it. If you can relate, maybe it's time we started being our own parents. When we want to be ourselves, we give ourselves parental approval to be ourselves. If some guilt from the past arises, OK. Let it. And let it go away. We're adults now. There's no sense in giving more power to what our parents "thought" was right than to what we know is right for us. It's time to break free.