Which Life-Lens Do You See Through? Fantasy or Reality?

 

 

 

Recovery marked the first time I was ever able to see life through more than one lens. Actually, before Recovery, I didn't have any idea that there was more than ONE lens to see life through. It took me 37 years to realize I had been living my entire life through my mother's view of life. And her view was through the lens of Codependency.

 

I was very much like the man in the image above. Every time I came across a toxic person, my addictive personality saw one thing: "I love you." In fact, however, what this person was really saying to me-- each and every time-- was "I wanna waste a couple of months of your life." And, likewise, my "I love you" meant that I wanted to waste a few months of their life, too, until we both hit bottom with each other.

 

Hitting bottom in these relationships never meant to me what it means in Recovery. I'd hit bottom with a person, break up the relationship and then bounce back in my quest to find my next false romance or friendship.

 

Thanks to Recovery, I am much better at choosing friendships than I was in my youth. I more quickly recognize people who are an addictive attraction to me. I can sense that I will lose myself by refocusing through my mother's lens if I continue to build a relationship with this individual. And I certainly don't want to see through my mother's lens anymore. Each and everyone of us has to authentically see life through our OWN lens-- and hopefully that lens is focused on reality and what's healthy for everyone involved.

 

If you feel the need for someone else's approval, if you tend to people-please (or lose yourself to gain the approval of others), if you like to "fix" everyone else's problems, then you are probably looking at life through the lens of a codependency you learned from a parent. You're not being honest with yourself and you're not owning your personal power.

 

Healthy relationships don't require us to give up our dreams, hopes, likes and beliefs to make the other person happy. Healthy relationships just require us to be exactly who we are. Nothing more or less. We can't earn love by being the puppets of other people.

 

If you tend to lose yourself in relationships, you may be seeing life through a codependent lens. Trade that lens in by attending a recovery meeting for codependency. Then you'll see life through the lens of reality-- and your reality will become sweater over time. And recovery does take time, effort, the help of others and the strength of God or a Higher Power of your own choosing.