Are You Trapped by Self-Sabotaging Beliefs?

I’ve referenced Harriet Craig before. Harriet (played by Joan Crawford) is the title character in a 1950 movie. And she is an interesting study in severe codependency.

As a child, Harriet walked into her father’s office at work, expecting to surprise him. She never anticipated the surprise (or rather shock) that she was about to receive: Harriet found her father in the arms of “another” woman. No doubt in that moment Harriet felt shock, betrayal, disgust, shame and fear. Later her father came clean about his affair and divorced Harriet’s mother. He then abandoned the family.

As a result, Harriet developed a belief as a young girl. That belief was “No man can ever be trusted.” And she carried that belief into adulthood. Attached to that belief were all of the nasty, messy feelings that Harriet had never fully faced concerning her father’s infidelity and her abandonment by him.

It isn’t surprising then that Harriet isn’t willing to allow herself to be vulnerable with men. She isn’t married until she’s 40 years old, quite late by 1950s standards. And although she marries Walter Craig, she doesn’t allow herself to be vulnerable with him unless it’s for the purpose of manipulating him into doing something she wants to ensure her happiness.

Harriet doesn’t trust Walter. He has friends that he loves dearly, including female friends, and Harriet is jealous of all of them. She is so insecure in her codependency that it becomes her goal to rid Walter of everyone in his life—except for her. Having Walter all to herself, on a very short leash, is the only way Harriet can possibly trust him.

What Harriet isn’t conscious of is that her great paranoia his all based in her childhood belief that “No man can ever be trusted.” This belief controls her life completely when it comes to Walter or any other man. She believes men are to be manipulated before they can abuse you. And unfortunately for Harriet, this belief blows up in her face and ultimately wrecks her marriage.

If Harriet had become aware of her belief, she could have challenged it. And if she had worked through all of the fear and suppressed feelings that were tied to this belief she could have freed herself from the belief and thus from her suspicious and manipulative behavior around men. She could have decided that Walter really was a good man and that he could be trusted.

But Harriet never becomes aware enough to end her self-sabotage. Walter walks out on her just like her father did—but for a very different reason. Her father abandoned her for the love of a woman other than her mother. His leaving had nothing to do with Harriet. But Walter’s leaving had everything to do with Harriet and her fearful, terrible codependent behavior.

I’ve learned to examine my feelings and the beliefs that are often tied to experiences that caused me severe emotional pain. In better understanding those experiences, the feelings tied to them and the beliefs I developed, I’ve learned to be less like Harriet Craig.