Are You a Prisoner of Your Own Expectations?

Have you ever gone to a party expecting to meet Mr. or Ms. Right? I have. We enter the party and we’re already anxious because we are bearing a very heavy and unreasonable expectation. It’s an expectation rife with other expectations: Since we’re going to meet HIM or HER we must be on our best behavior, meaning we must be charming and witty; we must look “just right;” and we can’t make any mistakes or else HE or SHE will reject us. WOW!!! What a tall order! No wonder we’re anxious and quickly getting more and more uncomfortable in our skin as we scope-out the party looking for HIM or HER.

As we look around, we lock-in on someone. HE/SHE has to be the one! We may have the courage to approach this person or we may not. If we don’t have the courage, we may spend the whole night pining over this person one moment and then beating ourselves up the next for being too cowardly to approach HIM or HER. If HE/SHE leaves before we do, or even if we leave first, we then spend days ripping ourselves up for having blown our chance at meeting Mr./Ms. Right.

If, however, we do have the courage to approach HIM or HER, things generally don’t work out much better. We have made ourselves so self-conscious through our multiple expectations that we find ourselves split in two: Part of us is already planning the wedding and wants to be with this person, but part of us is so uncomfortable under the burden of our expectations that we just want to get as far away from this person as possible. All of our old mantras start playing in our subconscious mind: “I’m not good enough for this person,” “I’m such a phony,” “He/she is going to see right through me and walk away.”

This type of pressure usually leads to some form of self-sabotage where we say or do something that alienates us from the person. Once they walk away, we engage in the same type of self-abuse as we do when we don’t have courage enough to even talk to the person. In either situation we lose.

But even if we are able to strike-up a connection with the person, the same problems lie ahead. The next time we see them we are equally as uncomfortable because we are still attached to all of our very bad expectations. We then find ourselves saying and doing things to draw him/her in, and then saying and doing things to push him/her away. Sooner or later, we find ourselves so uncomfortable that we either run away from him/her or give him/her the big shove to guarantee that he/she abandons us.

So what’s the solution to this cycle of self-destructive behavior? GET RID OF THE EXPECTATIONS! Why can’t we just go to a party for the purpose of getting out of the house, meeting people and enjoying ourselves? We don’t have to burden ourselves with the expectation of meeting Mr. or Ms. Right. Maybe we will, maybe we won’t. That’s not important. It’s important that we socialize and get comfortable being ourselves at a party: Not being perfect, or charming or looking “just right,” but simply being us.

If we meet someone we like, why do we have to be hearing wedding bells? We don’t. Why don’t we just take the time to enjoy their company without any thoughts of the future? Let’s stay In the NOW. Real happiness is in the NOW, just being us and just allowing others to be themselves. When we are in the NOW, without any expectations, all of the pressure is off—and so is the anxiety. We actually have a chance to enjoy being with someone and the need to flee is greatly reduced. If that need to flee does raise its ugly head, we can allow it to be there, say “It’s OK that I feel like fleeing, but I’m going to lean into the feeling instead of running.”

Drop your attachment to expectations that spoil your happiness and life. Get out of futuristic thinking and see how much more relaxed and how much happier you are. If there is a Mr. or Ms. Right, you’ll be much more likely to attract them by being naturally comfortable in your own skin—and when you least EXPECT to attract them.