Who Can You Rescue? No One But Yourself

No one can help us until we are first willing to help ourselves—not even God or our Higher Power. I grew up hearing “God helps those who help themselves,” and I’ve learned through recovery that this is certainly true. Neither God nor anyone else could help me until the day I finally cried out “I need help! I don’t know what’s wrong with me! Why can’t I build good relationships? God help me!”

I finally decided on that day that I had to seek therapy. For years I had refused because my parents had raised me to believe it was taboo. My mother was very much like the Mary Tyler Moore character in the 1980 film Ordinary People. She was horrified over the idea that anyone in our family could be considered crazy enough to need a therapist. It was shameful to her, after all, what would the neighbors say?

Well in October of 1995, I decided I didn’t care anymore what the neighbors might say. Screw them. I needed help and I was going to seek it out. So I did. And once I was ready to help myself, I also was able to accept the help of God and of others. Suddenly I was on my way to a happier, healthier life.

A movie every recovery person should see, in addition to Ordinary People, is When Love Is Not Enough: The Lois Wilson Story. This Canadian production stars Winona Ryder as Lois Wilson. The film provides a good portrayal of how codependency develops once a person is in a close personal relationship with an active alcoholic.  But even more importantly, it shows us how no one—not even God-- can help another person until that person is willing to first help him or herself.

During the course of the film we see Bill Wilson carted off to the hospital for drying-out. And we also see that every hospital stay was basically worthless. Nothing changed. Bill just went back to drinking himself into stupors again. Why? Because he didn’t want to go to the hospital. He was forced to go and you can’t force change or recovery onto anyone. They have to want it.

Later in the film, Bill Wilson finally gets so low that he can’t go any lower. He’s basically lost everything. And he finally checks himself into the hospital. In doing so, he finally admits that he needs help and he experiences God in his life for the first time. Now that he has chosen to help himself, God and others can finally help him. He later meets Dr. Bob and the two of them are on their way to creating the most successful recovery program ever, The 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Many people come to me with a deep, and usually frustrated, desire to rescue or save someone they love from their self-destructive addictive behaviors. I always tell them that there is absolutely nothing they can do to save or rescue that loved one aside from two things: 1) assure them that you love them no matter what and that you are always willing to listen to them and validate their feelings; and 2) put them in God’s hands through prayer. Pray that they finally hit bottom and choose to help themselves so that you and God can also help them. But never give them money or bail them out of situations they have gotten themselves into. They need to face the consequences for their actions, no matter how unpleasant they are.

If you are trying to rescue someone else, stop. You can’t help someone who isn’t first willing to help themselves. If you are wanting to be rescued, stop. We codependents are very guilty of wanting to be rescued by others. No one can rescue us. Only we can do that by admitting we have a problem and getting therapy and into a support group. Choose to help yourself and your life will change for the better.