Codependent Love vs. Authentic Love


Recovery has taught me the difference between codependent love and authentic love. And the difference is eye-opening.

For most of my life, all I knew was a codependent love; one in which I “loved” others for the sole purpose of being loved back by them. This codependent love I experienced was filled with anxiety, neediness, insecurity, manipulation, fear, unreasonable expectations, fear of abandonment and the constant urge to cling desperately to the person I “loved.” It was horrible. And it was not love.

Love and codependence cannot coexist with each other. They are polar opposites. If we reach out to others from a deep, dark needy emptiness within ourselves, it is not love we are attempting to share. It’s a desperate cry for intimacy, for a sense of belonging with another person, but it is not love. It is codependence. And codependence always has strings attached. It is strictly self-serving.

Authentic love flows freely. It does not arise from a deep, dark, needy place inside our hearts. It arises from the natural beauty within our souls that allows us to feel deep connection, empathy, compassion, caring and kindness for ourselves and others. And it is authentic because these beautiful feelings are all aroused from sleep because we have come to truly love people for who they are, and not for who we want them to be—our savior, or higher power.

Authentic love arises from our gradually learning to love people for their sake, not for ours. It arises as our true Higher Power leads us to see the beauty and value within each person, including ourselves. It arises as we are able to look past people’s behavior and to love them for the authentic image and likeness of God that breathes beneath that sometimes bad behavior. It arises when we are able to accept and empathize with their brokenness because we have learned to accept and empathize with our own brokenness.

We know when we have moved from feeling codependent love to feeling authentic love because we no longer experience uncomfortable feelings. Anxiety, fear and neediness are replaced with comfort, kindness and peace. Why? Because we no longer want anything from the people we are loving. We no longer expect that they should save us or make us happy. We have cut all of the strings. Our love is now free and we feel fulfilled even when our love is not reciprocated. We now love for the sake of love, authentic love itself. It is this authentic love that brings us peace, contentment and fulfilling relationships.


Authentic love feels fabulous!

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