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If You’re Unhappy, This May Be Why

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I’ve spent most of my life trying to make other people happy because I felt responsible for their feelings. And the above quote is spot-on true. I’m the one person who’s not been happy, as a result. We are not responsible for other people’s feelings. We aren’t their savior. They are responsible for their feelings and we are responsible for ours. Yes, we can express empathy and compassion for others, but we need to stop taking on their feelings and problems as if they are our own. They aren’t. Another person’s problems and feelings affect us indirectly. Our own problems and feelings affect us directly. If we are feeling directly responsible for another person’s feeling/problems, there is something wrong with us. In other words, if a friend is going through a divorce, that is their problem; not ours. If we feel responsible for solving their problem, or for owning their feelings to the point of neglecting our own problems and feelings, we are trapped in codependent caretaki...
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Fear of Abandonment Often Fuels Codependency

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For an active codependent, there are reasons why one sign of affection from another person can be one too many and why one hundred signs of affection will most likely never be enough. The codependent’s internal neediness for affection is fueled by self-negating factors. Let’s look at some of these factors. The first self-negating factor is the codependent’s belief that they are not as good as other people. This belief causes codependents to see themselves as unlovable in the eyes of others.   An active codependent can see value and beauty in most anyone aside from themselves. Why would this be? Well, most likely because, as children, they were treated like they were somehow subhuman by parents and/or other adults. Seeing themselves as subhuman robbed the child of self-love before it could ever take root inside of them, and thus robbed them of any hope for having good self-esteem. A second self-negating factor, also related to poor parenting skills, is fear of aba...
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The Bride of Gingy

Last night I was watching Scared Shrekless . The first “horror” story in this Halloween movie is called “The Bride of Gingy.” And Gingy’s bride is nothing short of an overly-clingy codependent nightmare. If you are familiar with the Shrek movies, you know that Gingy is the gingerbread man. In “The Bride of Gingy,” Gingy goes to see the village baker because he is lonely and wants a sweetheart of his own. So the village baker agrees to make a gingerbread girl for Gingy. As the baker begins to mix-in the proper amount of sugar, according to his recipe, Gingy insists that the baker include 10 times more sugar than the recipe calls for using. He wants his bride to be truly sweet. Within a short time, Gingy meets his dream girl, Sugar. Suddenly we see them skipping hand in hand through flower-filled fields while the song “Happy Together” by The Turtles plays in the background. But “happily ever after” is not how this story ends. Next we see Gingy and Sugar together in his gin...
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Self-Sabotage Is Motivated by FEAR

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   Throughout my life I have committed self-sabotage against my own happiness endlessly-- far too many times to count. Self-sabotage is a terrible problem for so many codependents/addicts.  The problem is rooted in the false belief that we are not good enough for any person. It's especially difficult if we are approached by a man or woman who is very attractive to us. We just can't believe that this fabulous person could actually be interested in us. After all, we're telling ourselves, at least subconsciously, that this person is too interesting, too handsome, too sexy or too intelligent to be interested in us. And because we don't want to make a bigger fool out of ourselves than we already perceive ourselves to be, we push him or her away. This fabulous person may pursue us and yet that still isn't enough to convince us that we are worthy of him/her. Sooner or later, they get the message and they are gone from our lives. Days, weeks or months later, we may realize ...
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