Eat, Pray, Love Taught Me Much About Myself

“I disappear into the person I love.

If I love you, you can have it all:

My money, my time, my body.

I will assume your debts;

and I will project upon you all sorts of nifty qualities

you’ve never actually cultivated in yourself.

I will give you all of this and more until I am so exhausted

and so depleted the only way I can recover is

by becoming infatuated with someone else.”

From Eat, Pray, Love (Columbia Pictures, 2010)

This is the best description of codependent behavior that I have ever witnessed. Many authors have attempted to define codependency, but it’s extremely difficult because codependency is so multi-faceted. But this description of codependent behavioral patterns describes my own codependency perfectly, prior to recovery, and so I’m going to dissect the quote.

At the height of my codependency, I always found myself disappearing into the person I was in “love” with, or rather, that I was infatuated with. Looking back, I realize now that it was never “love.” It was an addictive attraction that I mistook for love. I’d meet someone who spoke (verbally or physically) the language of addiction and I was immediately hooked. I’d become infatuated and before I knew it, I was head-over-heals in “love.” So I’d begin the process of losing myself in that person. The more I could disappear into my new “love” interest, the less I had to face my addictive self.

Once I pledged my “love” to that person, all of my energy and resources were spent on them. Every moment of every day was focused on that person. Every second of my time was dedicated to them. Every dollar I had (and more) was spent on them, or on looking good for them, and I had no problem paying off their debts. My body was theirs to do with as they pleased—to a degree. I did have some physical boundaries driven by fear. But for the most part, I saw us as two becoming one, so I no longer had to deal with myself.

While every ounce of my mental and emotional being was focused on my “love” interest, I was extremely busy painting a picture of this person as the ideal that I wanted them to be. So, yes, I projected all sorts of fabulous qualities onto the person; qualities that they never possessed in reality. Essentially, what I was unknowingly doing was making this person into my personal Higher Power. I gave all of my personal power to them expecting that they should always be there to save me or rescue me from myself and from life.

And yes, all of these patterns of behavior continued until I was so mentally, emotionally, physically and financially depleted that I had absolutely nothing left to give. It was usually at this point that I also realized that my “love,” or object of affection, also had nothing to give. All of the fantasy that I had been projecting onto them disappeared and I had no reason to stay enmeshed with them. I could see myself again and that meant that this great lover wasn’t doing their job. So my only alternative was to dump them and start the process all over again by finding someone new to attach to and to project my fantasy lover on to.

And this happened again and again and again until I hit bottom and entered recovery. Codependents Anonymous opened my eyes to these very wounded patterns of behavior that I had been hopelessly stuck in for years. And I am so grateful today that I am no longer trapped in any of these forms of behavior. Never again do I want to make someone else my Higher Power.