I Don’t Want to Die Before I Live

“I don’t want to die before I live”
The Ramones, Cabbies on Crack

Codependents aren’t known for living their own lives. Many of us have long been focused on living someone else’s life. And some of us have been focused on living everyone’s life. Either way, our intent was to escape from ourselves by walking in the shoes of others. Yes. We walked their walk and talked their talk. We liked whatever they liked and we danced to their tunes; for within these other persons we were to find our salvation.

This sounds like insanity to me now, and yet I still feel the tug, the desire, of wanting to find my fulfillment in the life of another person. I know it’s not possible. Nothing from outside of me—whether it be a person, a new car, a drug, a role of the dice or a cinnamon roll—can bring me lasting comfort. Personal fulfillment comes from within, built on the foundation of I AM who I am, of being completely me, of being spiritually one with my Higher Power. I know this is the truth and yet the temptation to find instant salvation from outside myself is still alluring to me.

At the same time, it has given me a nagging fear: “I don’t want to die before I live.” And I am not living unless I am 100 percent living my life, walking my path in my shoes with my focus first and foremost on me.

Thanks to recovery, I do a better job of living my life now than I did 20 years ago, but I still find myself afraid to stretch myself by taking risks. This time last year, I was preparing to officiate a wedding in Asia. I had never been to Asia before. Part of me was thrilled, but a bigger part of me was terrified. I’ve been through this type of fear many times. It nearly takes me to my knees and pushes me to the brink of backing-out of my commitments.

Before recovery I often did back-out because I was so easily led by the finger of fear. Since recovery, I’ve learned to push-back against the fear and move forward. But I still suffer through a terrible emotional struggle before I am able to move beyond the fear. And I was certainly grateful that I was able to move beyond the fear before my Asian trip, because it turned out to be the greatest experience of my whole life.

Even still, I can’t say that I was fully alive throughout the whole trip. To quote the character of Charlotte Vale in the film Now, Voyager there were certainly moments when “I almost felt alive.” Those moments came often when I got the chance to do what I wanted to do, go where I wanted to go, see what I wanted to see—without any fear. Yet, there were things I could have done to be more fully alive if fear hadn’t won out over me.

Whenever fear keeps us from experiencing all life has to offer, we are not living our lives. We are trapped in existence or mere survival patterns of behavior. And it’s these patterns that keep us clutching onto someone else or something else for our salvation.

Too many people in this world die without ever having truly lived their lives. Fear has been the warden of their prisons. Fear has kept them from loving who they are, from fully accepting who they are and from truly being who they are. It has thus robbed them of their lives by convincing them to enmesh into the lives of others to find some daylight. I don’t want to be on that list of the living dead—those who are dead long before they breathe their last physical breath because they wasted their entire lives trying to breathe through the lungs and lives of others.

God, grant me the ability to find my salvation in You and in fully being myself so that I may truly live MY life before I die.

Comments

  1. steveikechukwuJanuary 14, 2016 at 9:34 AM

    Thanks for sharing this.It speaks to me.I was six when my father forcefully ask my paternal Aunt to take me as a house maid to her in the absence of my mother.My aunt destroyed my childhood, fed me with negative words everyday and called me names. I lived in that condition for seven years until my elder sister came to my rescue.
    I am 34 now, have a university degree and a post graduate diploma but I don't know what is happiness or fulfilment.I feel guilty and shame most of the time even when I have done something commendable.
    Going through your write up made me to understand for the first time in my life what actually is wrong with me. Please I deeply need help.
    Stephen Ikechukwu Nwatu
    Nigeria

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownJune 9, 2017 at 11:41 AM

    Thank God,I met u Steven.I and our daughter will always love u

    ReplyDelete

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