Are You Equating Love with Possession?

“Love… cannot betray because it has nothing to do with possession.”

Paulo Coelho, The Witch of Portobello

Codependents easily associate love with possession. In many ways, this is understandable. Western society, certainly in the United States anyway, has come to associate “love” with the “possession” of things. We see a vase in a department store, we immediately “love” it and we must possess it to be happy. Or we see chocolate eclairs in a bakery window, we “love” eclairs and we must possess or have one or two to be happy.

This concept of “love” and “possession” easily lends itself to the language of addiction. The alcoholic loves her vodka and she must have it to be happy, and the shopping addict loves things and he must have them to be happy. Likewise, we codependents love certain people and we must possess or have them to be happy.

The big difference between these three addictions is that the alcoholic and shopaholic are “in love” with possessing things (inanimate objects) that can’t say “No” to them. The codependent, however, is “in love” with a human being that he/she is subconsciously objectifying or treating like an inanimate object.

The codependent comes to see this special person, or love interest, as their possession. Thus the “object” of their affection should please them at all times. This “object” should give all of his/her attention to the codependent. This “object” should be at the beck and call of the codependent, just like a vase or éclair is, and should likewise do everything to make the codependent happy in every possible way. Why? Because the codependent mistakenly equates love with possession and believes that he owns the objectified person.

Problems then arise in the relationship when the “object” of affection begins to resent feeling like an object of possession. Unlike vodka or eclairs, the human “object” can say “No.” The human object can feel smothered, manipulated and coerced. And when the “object” of affection rebels, the codependent then feels betrayed. Why? Because the codependent associates love with possession, and the object of affection has betrayed them by refusing to do what they want; by refusing to be possessed. The codependent then feels rejected, abandoned, betrayed and unloved.

A good friend of mine recently had a birthday. I sent him a gift because I “love” him. But this “love” had a possessive expectation attached to it: “When he receives the gift, he should call me and thank me.” He didn’t call. And I found myself immediately feeling betrayed. That feeling of betrayal hit hard on my deep-seated fear of abandonment. Eventually, this friend did text me, and my feelings of betrayal and abandonment subsided. But I realized, after some reflection, that my “love” still has strings attached to it. I was still seeing this friend as an “object” of affection and I was still associating “love” with “possession.” I had been feeling betrayed and abandoned because I still felt like I somehow own this friend. I am now working to correct that inside myself.

Real love isn’t about owning or possessing anyone or anything. Real love has no conditions or expectations with strings attached. Real love doesn’t attempt to control, manipulate or coerce in order to receive love in return. Real love finds delight in giving the gift because real love looks to the best interest of the one who is loved.

Codependency looks to the best interest of the codependent. It never looks to the best interest of the “object” of affection, or rather, possession. If you are still associating “love” with “possession,” your feelings will tell you. Betrayal and abandonment will raise their ugly heads. The best way to change is through turning it over to your Higher Power while actively working your recovery program. The 12 Steps will guide you through, but you have to be willing to do the work.