True Love Isn’t Based on Behavior



I believe that so many of us have a hard time loving ourselves because none of us are able to love as God does. And that’s because many of us grew up under the scourge of a religion that taught us that God loves us based on our behavior. And this very vision of God was more often than not reinforced by our parents. We weren’t able to actually see God in daily action, but we were able to witness the behavioral patterns of our parents.

No doubt that most of our parents loved us unconditionally deep down inside, but their behavior rarely reflected this love. Instead we experienced the very human side of our parents; the side that was easily frustrated and angry; and the side that was quick to lash out at us with threatening, angry comments like “I love you when you’re good, but I don’t love you when you’re bad.”

This type of verbal abuse, combined with dysfunctional behaviors like the silent treatment, led us to believe that love was based on what we did or did not do right. Mom’s love, Dad’s love and even God’s love. And what child, or adult for that matter, can consistently do everything right? Not a single one of us.

Still, we were presented with the impossible task of having to be perfect in our behavior, or risk being abandoned by our parents and God. We may have tried valiantly to be perfect little good boys and good girls, but inevitably we failed. That failure led to parental rejection, fear of God’s rejection and eventually self-loathing. How could we, or anyone, love us when we were constantly making mistakes? No one could, or so we came to believe.

And the sad thing is that many of us are still believing we are unloved by God and others because of our imperfect behavior. I’ve struggled with this all of my life. And I still do to some degree because it is so ingrained into my being. Mentally, I know that God loves us because of who God is: Unconditional Love. But every time I make a mistake, it’s all too easy to default into self-loathing and fear— fear that God, or some person in my life, no longer loves me because I’ve failed once again.

So I’m working at rewiring my brain. When I make a mistake I can punish myself with negative self talk and numerous fears, or I can practice acceptance of the error and treat myself with kindness. This gives me the clarity to look for the wisdom the mistake provided and the ability to believe I am still loved because true love isn’t based on behavior.


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