Self-Acceptance is the Doorway to Self-Love


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If You’re Unhappy, This May Be Why

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I’ve spent most of my life trying to make other people happy because I felt responsible for their feelings. And the above quote is spot-on true. I’m the one person who’s not been happy, as a result. We are not responsible for other people’s feelings. We aren’t their savior. They are responsible for their feelings and we are responsible for ours. Yes, we can express empathy and compassion for others, but we need to stop taking on their feelings and problems as if they are our own. They aren’t. Another person’s problems and feelings affect us indirectly. Our own problems and feelings affect us directly. If we are feeling directly responsible for another person’s feeling/problems, there is something wrong with us. In other words, if a friend is going through a divorce, that is their problem; not ours. If we feel responsible for solving their problem, or for owning their feelings to the point of neglecting our own problems and feelings, we are trapped in codependent caretaki...
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Ghosting is Cowardly, Cruel and Dysfunctional

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Ghosting is a new concept to me. Growing up, it was referred to as “the silent treatment.” I learned from my mother that if I was upset with someone, I simply cut them off by refusing to talk to them or even acknowledge their presence. I didn’t return phone calls, or answer my door if they came knocking. Recovery taught me that this was truly dysfunctional behavior. I think that ghosting is basically dysfunctional too. First, if we realize that a relationship is toxic for us, we need to bring it to a proper closure. We need to have the guts to tell the person in a kind way that things just aren’t working out, but that we still care about them and wish them well. In doing so we show respect both for them and for ourselves. Once we have had proper closure, it’s OK to become absent from that person’s life. At least now there is an understanding between us. To simply disappear from someone’s life because they “failed to appreciate my presence,” is simply revenge. It’s ending the r...
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Are We Projecting Our Insecurities Onto What Others Say or Do?

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During my Recovery, I’ve learned a great deal from Don Miguel Ruiz and his book “The Four Agreements.” Ruiz says, basically, if we live by these four standards, or agreements, we will be reasonably happy in this life: 1) Be impeccable or truthful with your words; 2) Never take anything personally. Other people’s behavior is about them, not you; 3) Never make assumptions (and I include expectations as well); and 4) Simply do your best. Learning to never take anything personally has been a life saver for me during Recovery. I used to make everything negative anyone else said or did about me. And, as a result, I made myself feel victimized or hurt, when the other person’s behavior had nothing to do with me. It was all about them and whatever difficulties they were poorly coping with at the moment. I don’t take things personally anymore. My behavior is about me and where I’m at mentally/emotionally/spiritually/physically, and other people’s behavior is theirs to own— not mine. Nev...
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Self-Sabotage Is Motivated by FEAR

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   Throughout my life I have committed self-sabotage against my own happiness endlessly-- far too many times to count. Self-sabotage is a terrible problem for so many codependents/addicts.  The problem is rooted in the false belief that we are not good enough for any person. It's especially difficult if we are approached by a man or woman who is very attractive to us. We just can't believe that this fabulous person could actually be interested in us. After all, we're telling ourselves, at least subconsciously, that this person is too interesting, too handsome, too sexy or too intelligent to be interested in us. And because we don't want to make a bigger fool out of ourselves than we already perceive ourselves to be, we push him or her away. This fabulous person may pursue us and yet that still isn't enough to convince us that we are worthy of him/her. Sooner or later, they get the message and they are gone from our lives. Days, weeks or months later, we may realize ...
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