Yes, I Can Live Without You Because I Complete Myself




My codependency must have developed very early because I can remember wanting another person to rescue me when I was five years old. I remember thinking when I grew up, someone was going to marry me and make me so happy. 

 From the first day that thought ran through my head I felt hope, and I held tight to the belief I'd be rescued as I grew older. It was easy. I heard many an adult refer to their spouse as their "better half." People, in real life and on TV, said they were "two halves" that had become "whole" when they married.

 Love songs on the radio echoed the same sentiments. In high school one of my favorite songs was Harry Nilsson's "Without You." The lyrics said everything I felt: "I can't live if living is without you." I was probably 14 years old at that time and hadn't even lived life long enough to have met the person who I was aching over the thought of losing! But that's what my always-living-in-my-head little codependent brain imagined. I was already misusing my imagination to picture that imaginary person who was going to complete suddenly rejecting me and leaving me behind for someone better.

 Recovery has taught me that two halves only make a whole if you're talking about a loaf of bread! No one is "half" a person unless he/she has abandoned part of themselves. No one can complete us or make us whole and eternally happy. Only we can complete ourselves, with the help of our Higher Power, as we learn to love ALL of ourselves. And even when we do complete ourselves by believing we are lovable persons, even we can't make ourselves eternally happy. Reasonably happy, yes, like the second half of the Serenity Prayer says.

 Once we have completed ourselves and are reasonably happy with ourselves, we will be ready to meet someone who can compliment our happiness, just as we are able to compliment their happiness-- reasonably. We can never be responsible for their happiness and they can never be responsible for our happiness. But we can support each other when times are tough just by being present to each other. There is no other possible fix or solution. We can't caretake or people-please another person's unhappiness away, but we can let them know we care-- and we can believe they care about us when we're hurting, even though they can't fix or rescue us. We can't complete each other, but we can always compliment each other in good times and bad.


And yes, now I can live if living is "without you." I can live because I complete myself, by God's grace.

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