Walk Away from the People Who Attempt to Make You Feel Loved Today and Worthless Tomorrow

As recovering codependents, the "some people" mentioned above are the people that we do NOT want in our lives. Unfortunately, many of us don't realize that fact. For years, we've believed quite wrongly that we were the problem if someone suddenly turned their back on us and deemed us "worthless."

We mistakenly believed that these people were our friends, or sincerely loving family members, when in fact they were perpetrators-- they were agents of harm toward us. No one who truly loves us turns their back on us. Even if we do things to hurt each other, if we truly love each other, we will own up to our mistakes and we will make amends between us.

That's not the case with people who treat us like we're important today and then treat us like we're worthless tomorrow. This can happen for many reasons, but the primary ones I have experienced are these: 

We have chosen to trust or rely on the approval of someone who can't even approve of him/herself. Because they lack self-esteem and empathy, and we as codependents lack self-love, together we are toxic for each other. 

They are looking for someone to make them feel better about themselves. If we do that, we are "wonderful." If we don't, then we are "crap" to them. At the same time, we are looking for outside love because we don't know how to love ourselves. We become dependent on this person for "love" and approval. When we don't receive their approval, we crumble inside and believe that we are worthless-- just as they told us we are.

Truth is we BOTH have a problem. They are manipulating us in the name of "love" and we are doing the same to them. They make us responsible for their happiness and we make them responsible for ours. The difference between the two of us may depend on who has the most dominant personality.

Some people have very aggressive personalities and we often mistake that aggressiveness for self-assurance. Others of us, usually the codependent personality, are more timid. We're easier to intimidate and we're more likely to buckle under to someone with an aggressive personality. To make matters worse, we are attracted to each other initially because we are looking for someone strong to take care of us and they are looking for someone who is a "yes" person to take care of them.

The first time we say "no," we immediately become worthless to them. It's their primary means of manipulating us back into being their enabler by forcing us to change our "no" to a "yes" in order to retain their approval and for us to retain our sense of worth, of being loveable.

 I played this cat and mouse game for years before I entered recovery. I don't play it anymore thanks to recovery. Truth is that NO ONE can determine our worth except US! There isn't a person on this earth who is responsible for making us feel lovable, happy or worthwhile, aside from ourselves. If you haven't yet learned this lesson, I suggest you join a Codependents Anonymous group and start reading any of the wonderful books Melody Beattie has written.

Now, when someone treats me like I'm valuable today and then treats me like I'm worthless tomorrow, I know THEY have a problem. And I don't want to be part of it. So, in all kindness, I walk away from them. I don't need their approval or fake love to feel good about myself. I only need my Higher Power, myself and people who truly value me for who I am.