Toxic People Are Attractive Until We Understand the Language of Addiction

“Rick Von Slonecker is tall, rich, good looking, stupid, dishonest, conceited, a bully, liar, drunk and thief, an egomaniac, and probably psychotic.

In short, highly attractive to women.”

Nick Smith, Metropolitan

Nick Smith is a character from the 1990 movie Metropolitan, and he makes a good point: Toxic people are always attractive. Why is that? Well, I think it has a lot to do with the fact that so many of us in our society are raised by toxic people; and what we know, we gravitate toward. Many of us grew up in households where addiction was a problem. Dad was an alcoholic and mom was codependent on his addiction, or vice versa. We watched and we learned. Addictive behaviors became the norm for us. We didn’t like them, but they became familiar and comfortable. The older we got, the more we learned we could hide behind addictive behaviors and we gradually developed our own addictive personalities.

As we grew toward adulthood, we subconsciously recognized the signs of addiction in others. These signs are often called “red flags.” We see them subconsciously, but somehow manage to filter them out before they can reach our conscious minds. This process is better known as “denial.” People with addictive personalities speak a silent language of attraction between themselves. Like attracts like; Addicts attract addicts; Alcoholics attract codependents and so on.

In school, many of us were attracted to kids who also came from addictive households. We easily made friends with them because we shared the common bond of addiction. These friendships were probably better than our family relationships, but not by much. We had the same addictive relational skills regardless of who we were in relationship with. The difference was that we didn’t have to live with our addictive friends. We got some needed space away from them.

Our greatest relationship problems began when we became sexually aware of ourselves and others. Once we developed the desire for a love life, addictive attraction took us to the doorstep of every attractive, toxic person who noticed us. We found ourselves subconsciously attracted to men who acted like our fathers, or to women who acted like our mothers. And because the filter of denial was as strong as the attraction, we never had any idea what was really going on between us and the object of our twisted affection.

This is why so many men and women essentially marry their fathers or mothers, and never understand what happened—unless they enter a recovery program. Recovery taught me that I was attracted to the neediest people on earth. I could walk into a room of 500 people and make a beeline for the neediest person in the room. How could I do this? It was easy. I subconsciously recognized the addictive language, verbal and body, spoken by other addicts in the room. Whoever spoke the language that said “Hey, you! Yeah, you! I’m the biggest perpetual victim/martyr who ever lived” got my immediate attention.

I’d strike up a conversation with them and as soon as they opened their mouth, my toes would curl with delight. Insane thoughts would rush through my mind, like “Yeah, this is the one! Oh, can I take care of you! I can meet your every need! You’ll have to love me! You won’t know how to live without me! Yes, finally I’ve met the love of my life!” Of course it never took long before this fairytale became a nightmare. No one can fix a needy person, earn their love and build a lasting relationship on mutual codependent neediness. It’s impossible.

Yet, I lived this fairytale-nightmare scenario over and over and over; never understanding what I was doing until I finally hit bottom. Recovery programs like Alcoholics Anonymous, Al-Anon and Codependents Anonymous provide the light needed to lift the darkness from our eyes. Through these programs we gain self-awareness, come to better understand our own behavior and the behavior of others, and start the journey toward healthier, happier lives.

So, if you’re still finding yourself attracted to the Rick Von Slonecker’s of the world, you may have some internal work to do. Look up A.A., Al-Anon or CoDA on the Web and attend a meeting. It will be a giant step toward ending your attraction to toxic people and toward allowing your soul to shine!