Fear of Abandonment Often Fuels Codependency

For an active codependent, there are reasons why one sign of affection from another person can be one too many and why one hundred signs of affection will most likely never be enough. The codependent’s internal neediness for affection is fueled by self-negating factors. Let’s look at some of these factors.

The first self-negating factor is the codependent’s belief that they are not as good as other people. This belief causes codependents to see themselves as unlovable in the eyes of others.  An active codependent can see value and beauty in most anyone aside from themselves. Why would this be? Well, most likely because, as children, they were treated like they were somehow subhuman by parents and/or other adults. Seeing themselves as subhuman robbed the child of self-love before it could ever take root inside of them, and thus robbed them of any hope for having good self-esteem.

A second self-negating factor, also related to poor parenting skills, is fear of abandonment. Children develop a fear of abandonment when 1) a parent dies or leaves the family; 2) a parent is emotionally unavailable; or 3) a parent uses withdrawal of affection to discipline the child.

If mom or dad picks up and leaves, either unexpectedly or through divorce, a child will most often blame him/herself for the behavior of the parent who has left. A child will believe that mom or dad left because he/she (the child) was bad, or unlovable in some other way. The same can be true if a parent dies and the child is too young to understand death and why the parent is gone.

A child will also blame him/herself is a parent is emotionally neglectful toward the child. Many parents are emotionally unavailable. They don’t have the ability to meet their children’s need for love, attention and affection. Children then blame themselves for the fact that mom or dad offers them no or little emotional nurturing. Again, the child will blame him/herself for not being lovable enough to his/her parents.

Lastly, a parent who tells a child “I love you when you’re good, but not when you’re bad” teaches the child that love is conditional and can be withdrawn—maybe forever—at any time. This leaves the child fearing that if they make one too many mistakes, they will be forever abandoned by the parent.

The concept of conditional love can also fuel the codependent notion that an individual needs to earn the love of others. A child who is somehow dehumanized as “Not good enough” and threatened by fear of abandonment, will most likely come to believe that he/she has to do for others, or constantly give to others, in order to get love from those same people. Because the active codependent’s self-esteem is so poor, however, they soon feel the pressure of never being able to do or give enough without facing the fear of abandonment.

Fear of abandonment is a constant worry for the active codependent. Deep down, he/she fears that at any moment a significant other may withdraw affection-- permanently. The active codependent has no sustainable means (self-love/self-esteem) to continually believe that he/she is loved. Instead he/she fears being left behind at all times. This is why one sign of affection is often too much for the hungry codependent to process properly; and why one hundred signs of affection are not enough to convince the same codependent that he/she is lovable.

Self-love is the only answer. Through therapy, positive self-talk, support groups, prayer and continual self-kindness, any active codependent can gradually become an emotionally healthy, happy person. But it takes a lot of work, and each individual has to decide that he/she is worth it. Personally, I think everyone on the face of this earth is worth it. So believe you are worth it, get to work and allow your soul to shine!