Own the Feelings That Are Rightfully Yours to Own

When someone enters a room, are you immediately aware of his/her feelings? Codependents tend to have a super-sensitive emotional radar when it comes to the feelings of others; in particular negative feelings. As soon as we come into contact with someone, we know if he/she is feeling sad, angry or fearful. We can pinpoint worry and we can read the language of the silent treatment as it projects feelings of resentment toward us or others.

I believe codependents are hypersensitive to the feelings of others precisely because codependents are so emotionally shutdown to themselves. The fact that we turned-off our own feelings has opened the door to our being extremely sensitive to whatever someone else is feeling. It’s sort of like how a person who looses his/her sight develops a heightened awareness of other senses. We’ve lost our own ability to feel and so we are ever-more aware of everyone else’s feelings.

There’s a strange contradiction here, however. After all, codependents detach from their own feelings to avoid their own emotional messiness, and yet they are vigilantly, almost aggressively, attached to everyone else’s emotional messiness. Why would this be?

Most likely it’s because codependents have a dire need to fix other people’s issues so that they (the codependents) can feel needed or loved. And the best way to sense that someone has a problem in need of fixing is by being attuned to that person’s negative feelings. Being aware of other people’s sullen moods, words and body language point the active codependent toward his/her next rescue mission. They can then jump right in, take control of the other person’s problems, and earn themselves the right to feel acceptable and wanted.

Of course, codependents can get into big trouble trying to fix the problems of others. Doing so usually entails trying to control the feelings of the other party. The codependent wants to be that person’s hero, and so he/she wants the other person to switch from sullen to grateful or even happy. The codependent wants to sense that the other person is offering him/her approval and appreciation for all of his/her hard rescue-work—even if it all fails to solve the problem. If the codependent isn’t able to get the emotional response they want from his/her victim, feelings of resentment will most likely begin to surge through the codependent and trouble will ensue.

Worse yet, for the codependent, is the tendency to take-on the feelings of others and own them. For example, a codependent mother may take-on the feelings of a son or daughter who is struggling with personal issues; be they health, career or relational. Said mother will “feel” and act as if her child’s problems are actually hers and not those of her child. The same can be true in a working environment. An active codependent may take-on the feelings of everyone around him/her. He/she will personally own every negative glare, spoken word or negative inference that floats through the office. Somehow all of this negative energy will be about him/her; especially if it’s coming from the boss.

If you struggle with identifying your own feelings, find yourself attuned to the feelings of others, find yourself using emotional radar to fix people, or take-on other people’s feelings like they are your own, you need help. I’d suggest getting your hands on some Melody Beatty books. Start with Codependent No More. Invest in positive reading, get in touch with yourself, let go of other people’s issues/feelings and allow your soul to shine!