Whose Happiness Are You Responsible For?

Many codependents believe their purpose in life is to live for others. Unfortunately. It’s easy for us to believe this since we really don’t want to live for ourselves. We’d rather escape from our own selves—and our own lives—by focusing on the lives of others. So, instead of being responsible for our own well-being and happiness, we make ourselves responsible for everyone else’s.

In doing so, we self-promote ourselves into being the architects for the lives of our spouses, children, parents, friends or anyone who will volunteer themselves into our hands. We work extra hard to please these people and to ensure their every ounce of happiness. We wipe away tears, make excuses for their behavior, comfort away their fears, pay their bills, match-make their romances and remember their birthdays. Day and night we are mentally and emotionally “on-call” for fear that someone may need us at any moment; and for fear that they may turn to someone else, who could eventually end up taking our place.

Heaven forbid that we should be dropped by our loved ones (read “victims”) and find ourselves out in the cold. What purpose would we have if we were no longer the self-designated Mary or Sammy Sunshine of those persons whose lives we have been essentially living—instead of living our own lives? YIKES! We’d have to face the fact that we have no life of our own! And we might even have to face ourselves, get to know our own needs and, even worse, become responsible for taking care of ourselves!

If this sounds frightening to you, ask yourself how much happiness have you experienced by attempting to live the lives of others. If you’re truthful with yourself, your answer will be simple: None. No one can attain their personal happiness by living vicariously through others. It’s possible for us to share in the happiness of others, but it’s not our happiness to own. For example, if a friend gets a promotion at work, I can be happy for him/her, but it’s not my promotion and it’s not my happiness to own.

True personal happiness comes through living your own life to the fullest. We can only gain inner, lasting happiness by being responsible for our own needs, discovering our own purpose and sharing our true selves with others. We can only be the architects for our own lives—and no one else’s. So focus on yourself and discover your own true purpose. It will involve others, but it won’t involve filling their shoes or being responsible for their lives.