Detaching With Love Doesn’t Mean We Are Disinterested in Others



There is a big difference between detachment and disinterest. Many people who suffer from codependency confuse these two terms. Active codependents are so enmeshed in the lives of others that they don’t know where they end and those they are caretaking begin. For the most part, active codependents cast their own problems aside as they choose to own the problems of the people they have taken hostage. The active codependent feels responsible for owning, moaning and groaning over and solving the problems of others. They mistakenly believe that it is their responsibility to rescue others from their problems and that by rescuing others they will rescue themselves from being loveless.

In recovery, codependents learn that they need to be responsible for their lives and no one else’s life. This means that we have to learn to separate ourselves from the people we have become enmeshed in. We need to come to an understanding about life-ownership. We are the stewards of our lives—only—and no one else’s. This means we are responsible for our well being and our problems—only.

As a result, we must learn to discern what is our problem from what is not our problem. We do this by establishing proper boundaries concerning where we end and another person begins. A problem that directly affects me is my problem to own. For example, I get a speeding ticket. I was driving the car, I was speeding, I got pulled over, I got the ticket. This is my problem to own. If, on the other hand, someone I really care about got the speeding ticket, it is not my problem to own. I can feel badly for that person, but it is not my problem and I do not need to be involved in solving it in any way other than offer my sympathy.

This is better known as detaching with love. It’s not that I don’t care that my friend got the speeding ticket. I can listen to them as they recount the story and as they share their sad feelings with me. I can validate how they feel by showing them empathy. But that’s as far as my help needs to extend. It is not my problem to own. I did not get the speeding ticket.

Detachment is about letting go. It’s about growing into a spiritual maturity. It may be uncomfortable for us to practice detachment at first because we have tied our value, or worth as people to solving the problems of others. We feel as if we are letting the other person down by simply validating their emotional pain. And we are afraid that they will see us as “disinterested” if we do not assume power over their problem. Some of us may even still feel as if we ourselves should pay the fine for the speeding ticket, or go to traffic school for our friend. This is codependent insanity.

Codependent insanity will encourage you to believe that by refusing to get involved in solving another person’s problem you are acting disinterested. If you are having a hard time keeping yourself from intruding in another person’s problem, ask yourself what your true motivation is for wanting to be involved. I guarantee the honest answer you uncover will reveal selfish motivations. Our deepest need to solve other people’s problems is always about us. We want to feel needed, wanted and loved by someone. We believe (quite wrongly) that we will be needed, wanted and loved if we can solve that person’s problems. This is pretty universally the primary reason why we have so much trouble with detachment. Detachment means we have to accept that we are needed, wanted and lovable despite anything we can or cannot do for another person.

Detachment with love and caring means taking a risk. There will be those people who wrongly want us to rescue them. When we detach with love, they will be angry about it and they may reject us for failing to tend to their problems. If they do, we are better off without them in our lives. We will know that they only kept us around for what we were willing to do for them—and not because they really cared anything at all about us. People who really love us for who we are will appreciate it when we detach with love. They want us to treat them with proper respect by acknowledging that they can take care of their own problems. They want us to stop babysitting them.

So learn to detach with love. It has nothing to do with being disinterested in those we love. Quite the opposite. It has everything to do with truly loving and respecting everyone we say we love—including ourselves.

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